Thursday, December 10, 2009
What's in a name?
I've decided, as of this morning, to not be depressed any longer, because being depressed is a horrible state of mind to be in and I don't like it one bit. I hate the way it discolors your perspective on life and paints you into the corner colored black. I don't want to be there, so I'm calling whatever is wrong with me no longer a depression, but a low pressure system, just like they occur in the weather. I don't like the label 'depression' and the connotations it has. A low pressure system is something completely different and means to me something less oppressing and damaging and something for which you batten down the hatches, but which you survive very well by being smart and prepared. I don't have to go hide in the basement behind a concrete wall, but I can move around freely in my house and watch the storm pass, as long as I make sure the doors and windows are closed properly and the roof is leak proof.
I guess my point is, that I don't want to be a helpless patient who undergoes a depression as if she has no will of her own to step out of it and to deny it its right to exist. I am denying it in the first place by not letting it have its name. I'm denying it in the second place by not living up to its expectations, because I'll be damned if I'm going to sit helplessly in a corner with my duvet pulled up to my ears. I'm going to decide for myself how I'm going to behave under this low pressure system and what I am and am not going to do.
One thing I won't do, because I simply refuse to, is feel like shit. Oh sure, maybe I will feel like it half of the time, but the other half I won't and I'll take advantage of that. When I feel like shit, I'll sleep, and when I don't, I'll be active. The minute I feel myself sinking into the pit, I'll lie down on the sofa and go to sleep until I'm all done with that and feel better again and I'll keep doing that repeatedly, because I can do it endlessly, I'm not worried about that. At the moment I sleep during the day and very well during the night.
I'm also not going to worry about all the things I find myself not capable of doing right now. If I find that I have the energy for one or two of them, then that's great, but if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up about them. I'll assume nothing, so anything I do manage to do is a plus. Taking care of my state of mind is my fist prerogative now and if I can do a good job with that then I'll be mighty pleased. I have no bigger ambitions.
I talked on the phone with my psychiatrist yesterday and he had been fully informed about my condition by my SPN, bless her soul. He very carefully went over my medications with me and prescribed 10 mg Temazepam to take during the day, only if I really needed it, and extra Oxazepam before I go to sleep at night. I'm going to save the Temazepam for dire situations, because I know he doesn't like for me to take all this stuff and I do have to be able to do without it eventually.
I got my first Christmas present in the mail yesterday. Laurie of Three Dog Blog sent me two books by Alice Adams. Of course, I'm thrilled with them, because I couldn't get them at Bookmooch. I do now have to start my fifth new cubicle of books on my bookcase. That means I have to rearrange some things. I do it with much pleasure and can't wait to put the new books there along with some others that came in the mail. The ones Laurie gave me are not going to be mooched, of course. Some books are keepers.
My dog is patiently waiting to be walked by me who just fed him. He is laying here by my feet watching for positive movement. I am a very cruel person indeed to make him wait such a long time. Well, actually he's been out back for a long piddle. Now he's got to go mark his territory and do the rest.
I'll get the show on the road then and let the poor beast out.
I'm going to try not to write any posts when I am in a downward movement and I have already deleted many attempts. I hope I keep deleting those that are just plain depressive. Oh, there's that word again.
I hope you all have a good day. We're expecting rain, but who isn't?