Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Down to earth again...

I slept all morning. Then when I got up, I realized I was not properly awake yet and slept some more on the sofa. Even now I feel like I need to sleep more and I don't have the energy to clean up the kitchen. I did walk the dog in the rain. I was going to wait for it to stop, but then it looked like it was never going to, so I put on my hooded coat and off we went. It didn't rain too badly, just a nonstop drizzle that was enough to get us slightly wet and cold. That's why it was so good to return to the apartment where it was nice and warm. I do hope I get over this sleepiness, though. I feel like Sleeping Beauty and that I could sleep a hundred years. It's probably a result of the excitement of the past few days, as I always react with over-tiredness to any event that's the least bit emotionally draining. I think that in a little while I will go lie down on the sofa again, because I'm yawning something awful.


Well, I did go lie down on the sofa again and slept for a few more hours. When I fell asleep, Gandhi was grooming my hair, which was very pleasant and I thought people should be like chimpanzees and always groom each other. When I woke up, it was time to walk the dog and of course it was still raining. So we walked in the rain again, but now I'm having a nice cup of warm coffee and the dog is having a bone. Gandhi barfed on the area rug, so I still have to clean that up, which is a job I am postponing, but the thought of which is in the back of my head the whole time I am writing this. It's the voice of my conscientiousness speaking. I can't get away from that.

Another thought I can't get away from is the one about the man in my life and me. I don't know how to proceed from this point forward, because I'm confused about my own feelings, which are very ambivalent. When he was here, and we were right in the middle of our passion, everything seemed very clear to me, but now that he's gone, and I have locked up my heart again, it seems that I could very well live my life without him in it and that it would be much less complicated. I don't know if the situation is complicated, or if I'm making it complicated by thinking about it too much.

I don't know, for instance, when I will see him again and when I asked him in an email, I got a very curt answer that he didn't know when. I didn't react to this. I felt as if I had asked for too much and maybe I did put the pressure on too much. My reaction is to fall silent and to not say another thing.

I think for a short 24 hours of passion, maybe it's not worth the hassle I put myself through consequently, but that is purely my problem and not his. I'm the one who makes it so very hard for myself and has problems with this kind of a relationship. Or maybe I would have problems with any kind of a relationship and I'm just not ready for one. Or ever will be. I'm too unhappy afterwards. I see too many ghosts.

I wish I wasn't so darn exhausted. I think the exhaustion is purely emotional. I want to eat and sleep and do nothing else. I'm having a tall glass of juice now to perk me up and it is helping somewhat, though I think I will have another cup of coffee after this. I haven't seen a cup of coffee I didn't like, at least not here in the Netherlands.

I think I will put my pajamas on and pretend it is lounge wear. That along with my bathrobe and my slippers will keep me warm. I'll skip the coffee and get ready to go to bed early. I'll have another glass of juice instead. That seems like a more sensible thing to do.

Have a good night.



Babaloo said...

Ah, there is no really good advice for this. Relationships are rarely simple. And most people I've met 'over-think' things. I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal.

Be kind to yourself, sleep and eat. And even if you feel you have to lock up your heart - please keep the key handy, don't stash it away too far away.


Gail said...

You are exhausted because you had a good roll in the hay and you're not used to that.

You think too much, don't ask when he will be back, be glad he came, be pleasantly surprised when he returns and enjoy the in between times.

Maureen said...

Just wanted to let you know I am catching up again after the hectic Christmas week.

Take care, I hope you find a good balance to your relationship.

Debi said...

I somehow missed the Joost jump from friend to friend. Wow!

I have absolutely no advice, but if I had some, you would be wise to do the exact opposite. Like I said, though, I have none.

It is nice to see you getting a little of life's tasty desserts. What I hope for you is that its joy lingers ever so long.

Wisewebwoman said...

finding the emotional balance is difficult. Our emotions are not logical, we can't plan their engagement or disengagement.
enjoy the moments. No regrets.
If you can't handle it, disengage.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I am always exhausted after being with people - it's because I spend virtually all my time on my own so I'm not used to it.

Is it maybe the case that Joost isn't so great at communicating by email/ written word? It's so easy to write an email which doesn't strike the right tone or show how you are feeling about something - esp if you are tired. Not only has he had all the exertions and emotional excitement but also a long journey there and back.

Or maybe he doesn't realise you need reassurance. He needs to read your post on that!

To go from intense interaction for 24 hours to nothing again would be difficult for anyone. Such a complete change in functioning and reacting. Just try to be cool and not worry about it. When he has visited several times you will be more used to it and also more secure in your connection with him.

Bearfriend xx