I slept all morning. Then when I got up, I realized I was not properly awake yet and slept some more on the sofa. Even now I feel like I need to sleep more and I don't have the energy to clean up the kitchen. I did walk the dog in the rain. I was going to wait for it to stop, but then it looked like it was never going to, so I put on my hooded coat and off we went. It didn't rain too badly, just a nonstop drizzle that was enough to get us slightly wet and cold. That's why it was so good to return to the apartment where it was nice and warm. I do hope I get over this sleepiness, though. I feel like Sleeping Beauty and that I could sleep a hundred years. It's probably a result of the excitement of the past few days, as I always react with over-tiredness to any event that's the least bit emotionally draining. I think that in a little while I will go lie down on the sofa again, because I'm yawning something awful.Well, I did go lie down on the sofa again and slept for a few more hours. When I fell asleep, Gandhi was grooming my hair, which was very pleasant and I thought people should be like chimpanzees and always groom each other. When I woke up, it was time to walk the dog and of course it was still raining. So we walked in the rain again, but now I'm having a nice cup of warm coffee and the dog is having a bone. Gandhi barfed on the area rug, so I still have to clean that up, which is a job I am postponing, but the thought of which is in the back of my head the whole time I am writing this. It's the voice of my conscientiousness speaking. I can't get away from that.
Another thought I can't get away from is the one about the man in my life and me. I don't know how to proceed from this point forward, because I'm confused about my own feelings, which are very ambivalent. When he was here, and we were right in the middle of our passion, everything seemed very clear to me, but now that he's gone, and I have locked up my heart again, it seems that I could very well live my life without him in it and that it would be much less complicated. I don't know if the situation is complicated, or if I'm making it complicated by thinking about it too much.
I don't know, for instance, when I will see him again and when I asked him in an email, I got a very curt answer that he didn't know when. I didn't react to this. I felt as if I had asked for too much and maybe I did put the pressure on too much. My reaction is to fall silent and to not say another thing.
I think for a short 24 hours of passion, maybe it's not worth the hassle I put myself through consequently, but that is purely my problem and not his. I'm the one who makes it so very hard for myself and has problems with this kind of a relationship. Or maybe I would have problems with any kind of a relationship and I'm just not ready for one. Or ever will be. I'm too unhappy afterwards. I see too many ghosts.
I wish I wasn't so darn exhausted. I think the exhaustion is purely emotional. I want to eat and sleep and do nothing else. I'm having a tall glass of juice now to perk me up and it is helping somewhat, though I think I will have another cup of coffee after this. I haven't seen a cup of coffee I didn't like, at least not here in the Netherlands.
I think I will put my pajamas on and pretend it is lounge wear. That along with my bathrobe and my slippers will keep me warm. I'll skip the coffee and get ready to go to bed early. I'll have another glass of juice instead. That seems like a more sensible thing to do.
Have a good night.