Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Late at night...
It's late at night again and I'm finding it impossible to go to sleep. I did fall asleep on the sofa for a while in the evening, but I never did make it to bed, and I have been up since 10:30 pm answering emails and reading blogs that I had been neglecting to read the past two days or so. I follow too many to read them all, or at least to comment on all of them. Sometimes when I get to some of them, they already have 36 comments and I just don't bother anymore. I figure my 2 cents worth isn't going to make a difference. Sometimes I don't have anything good to say, so I don't say anything at all. I can't always be witty and astute and sometimes anything I'd say would be pretty redundant.
I've been doing a lot of thinking also in the hours that I've been up and I've come to the conclusion that frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm throwing in the towel. Calling it quits. I'm not going to make the effort anymore and by that I mean that I'm not going to go to my appointment at the SPC tomorrow morning and that I'm going to turn down the classes. I'm also not going to go to the remaining creative therapy classes on Mondays and Fridays anymore. I'm giving it all up, because I can't do it anymore. I don't have the courage or the stamina to do it any longer. I'm retiring from life and I'm only going to participate in the least possible way that I can.
I can't deal with the demands that are put on me and live up to the expectations, nor do I think that I am able to fulfill my promises. I'm barely able to deal with the demands of my very simple life and I'm not doing a very good job of it. I feel permanent stress because of it. I feel like I am an animal that needs to retreat into its cave and be safe there and only come out for quick forages. I don't feel safe outside of it. I want the world to go on existing without me in it. I don't want to participate. I'm getting off at this station.
There's going to be outrage and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore." That's what I'll say to anybody who demands anything from me from this point forward. "I just can't do it anymore."
Maybe I'm depressed without knowing it. If I am, then this is a symptom of it. There are others, such as not taking care of myself and the apartment. I let everything go. I don't have the energy to deal with it. I only want to do things that are pleasant to me, such as sit behind the computer and sleep on the sofa. I hate getting dressed, but do it because I have to walk the dog. I would sit in my pajamas all day long if it was up to me. I would like to take sleeping pills during the day and sleep. Well, I already do that a lot, don't I?
I'm reluctant to sleep during the night, because that's when I feel safe about being awake. There's nothing that can harm me during the night and no demands are made on me. Nobody is going to call me up or come to the door or have me come to an appointment.
So, that's it then. I won't make any other major decisions until I've talked to my SPN or my psychiatrist. I may be totally nuts. At least I'm harmless.