Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Late at night...

It's late at night again and I'm finding it impossible to go to sleep. I did fall asleep on the sofa for a while in the evening, but I never did make it to bed, and I have been up since 10:30 pm answering emails and reading blogs that I had been neglecting to read the past two days or so. I follow too many to read them all, or at least to comment on all of them. Sometimes when I get to some of them, they already have 36 comments and I just don't bother anymore. I figure my 2 cents worth isn't going to make a difference. Sometimes I don't have anything good to say, so I don't say anything at all. I can't always be witty and astute and sometimes anything I'd say would be pretty redundant.

I've been doing a lot of thinking also in the hours that I've been up and I've come to the conclusion that frankly, I don't care anymore. I'm throwing in the towel. Calling it quits. I'm not going to make the effort anymore and by that I mean that I'm not going to go to my appointment at the SPC tomorrow morning and that I'm going to turn down the classes. I'm also not going to go to the remaining creative therapy classes on Mondays and Fridays anymore. I'm giving it all up, because I can't do it anymore. I don't have the courage or the stamina to do it any longer. I'm retiring from life and I'm only going to participate in the least possible way that I can.

I can't deal with the demands that are put on me and live up to the expectations, nor do I think that I am able to fulfill my promises. I'm barely able to deal with the demands of my very simple life and I'm not doing a very good job of it. I feel permanent stress because of it. I feel like I am an animal that needs to retreat into its cave and be safe there and only come out for quick forages. I don't feel safe outside of it. I want the world to go on existing without me in it. I don't want to participate. I'm getting off at this station.

There's going to be outrage and all I can say is, "I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore." That's what I'll say to anybody who demands anything from me from this point forward. "I just can't do it anymore."

Maybe I'm depressed without knowing it. If I am, then this is a symptom of it. There are others, such as not taking care of myself and the apartment. I let everything go. I don't have the energy to deal with it. I only want to do things that are pleasant to me, such as sit behind the computer and sleep on the sofa. I hate getting dressed, but do it because I have to walk the dog. I would sit in my pajamas all day long if it was up to me. I would like to take sleeping pills during the day and sleep. Well, I already do that a lot, don't I?

I'm reluctant to sleep during the night, because that's when I feel safe about being awake. There's nothing that can harm me during the night and no demands are made on me. Nobody is going to call me up or come to the door or have me come to an appointment.

So, that's it then. I won't make any other major decisions until I've talked to my SPN or my psychiatrist. I may be totally nuts. At least I'm harmless.



Anonymous said...

Oooh, Nora, you really do sound depressed to me. It's so easy to say "That's it, I'm done, I'm not trying any more" in the middle of the night too, but remember that often things look very different by the light of day. Sometimes all that thinking done in the night, when it's all quiet and you can be alone with your thoughts, isn't really in your best interests in the long term. I hope you'll be seeing your psychiatrist or SPN quite soon to help you work this out. Take care of yourself!

Chrissie said...

I agree with pinklea, you do sound depressed - and maybe exhausted as well, which can only make things look worse.
I hope you don't plan to give up on the art even if you need a break from the creative therapy, you have so much talent and it does seem to help you normally.
I hope the stress eases up soon. Are you sure that the demands and pressure you feel are really coming from the outside world and not from your own brain? I know I often get very stressed about things that 'need' to be done and only after discussing them with people outside my head do I realise that actually I'm inflicting them on myself, often without anyone else even realising it let alone reinforcing it. Its so easy for my brain to start running around in ever decreasing circles when I'm feeling depressed, when other people can just knock me off that track and into a more positive place with one word sometimes - just a word that I never thought of!
Look after yourself and I hope you feel better after a good sleep, it does seem to be the best medicine for you.

VioletSky said...

You do need to have something enjoyable in your life. But if you no longer look forward to it...

Just don't give up everything, slow down and talk to your SPN. Taking a break from life is often necessary, but you want it to be there for you when you are ready to pick up the pace again.

Gail said...

I have said the same thing a thousand times and yet, when it comes to it, I drag myself along until it feels right.

I know it is not that easy but hang in there, dear friend.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I tend to focus my commenting on people's blogs who don't have 25 comments already! I don't know how such people even keep track of so many comments!

I quite frequently think about throwing in the towel. I'm actually LOL as I write that because there's something so ridiculous about that phrase - just picturing myself in the boxing ring throwing my towel down! But that is the exact same phrase I think of when I feel I can't carry on.

I pretty much struggle every day of my life just with covering the basics. Most of the time I'm not even managing to do that. My hair goes unwashed, place goes uncleaned, I struggle to even put a comb through my hair. Depression and anxiety are exhausting.

At least the dog provides you with a focus to get yourself together enough to be able to take him out. That is really important though it must seem difficult at times.

In time it will pass and you'll feel renewed and able to take on new challenges like the new classes.

Just hold tight until then.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

frazzledsugarplummum said...

It's 11.11pm. I walked for ages today after a mamogram, banking and shopping. Feet killing me....no car. I collapsed on the lounge for a short sleep and am up now. Tired, sitting in an arm chair reading blogs. The house is a MESS. I sleep on the lounge. Don't want to go out and don't want to get changed. The night is quiet and peaceful...not dark or intrusive. Looking after the animals and watering the vegies keeps me going. I just want to stay home and not go out at all and I'd be happy not to meet anyone either. Am I depressed? yes, but it is more tiredness than depression. Sometimes I forget to take my medication. Have you been taking yours?

I have noticed that relationship strain takes out the most on me and you have had some of that lately. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to think and sometimes act on offloading all ones acitivities ....the I'm done, not trying anymore...so you can be at a place where you feel at least in your mind that you are largely free of burdens. After a little while of this then you can pick up the strings of life again and go on. I do think that we place a lot of the burden on ourselves from our own minds.Expectations can seem very tiring. My quilting and art stuff are sitting in neat little piles and I surely don't feel like doing anything but personal history shows that at some stage I will get up again and start doing a little more each day. Do you want to clean your lounge room while I clean mine? We can forget about the rest of the house.