Sunday, October 12, 2008


After I wrote that post late last night about rapid cycling, I went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 7 AM this morning. Wasn't that nice? And I felt so refreshed and wide awake when I did and looking forward to my mug of coffee and my first cigarette. The Überhund thought it was too early to get up and let me sit behind the computer for a while before he thought it was time to go and do his business.

I have made it a point to have a very relaxing day and to not have any disturbances or other outside pivots interfere with my solitude and serenity. I haven't done anything exorbitant and have kept a very low profile, not even popping in to see my sister on my various walks with the Überhund.

The Exfactor did come over this morning to collect my credit card and I said that as far as I am concerned, I don't own one anymore now, because it is too tempting to use it on an impulse. We had coffee and as I sat there observing him, I realized that my intense feelings for him are slowly dissipating and that I could look at him as a normal human being again. The magic is wearing off a bit. I am very happy about this and am glad that I can see him as a fellow human being and not as the object of my desire.

So, instead of doing all sorts of busy activities like I thought I might, I did the opposite and did not even play any music, so the apartment was completely silent and it felt good. Sometimes all I did was sit in silence and just let my thoughts drift to nothing important at all.

I wanted to prevent becoming manic during the afternoon and therefor I did not go for the long walk I had planned with the Überhund and I did not go out and shoot a whole bunch of pictures. Instead, I stayed inside and read a whole bunch of blogs and commented on them and watched the clock slowly turn toward the evening. I thought that if I could keep myself from getting over stimulated and excited, I would not become manic and the best way to do that is to avoid the world and the people in it and to withdraw inside my cave.

I think I was successful, because I have not felt that feeling of euphoria that I get and I have been very calm and as a result I think that maybe my mood is not going to plummet, although it is early times and I don't want to shout it out to soon. I have decided to take the extra 20 mg of temazepam again tonight, because it did help me sleep well last night and I think that is very important for my mental health.

The mail from the Tax Office came yesterday, the mail that the woman could not talk about, because I had not received it yet and that which I dreaded receiving, but it was nice mail, because they are slightly increasing both my housing and health care subsidies. How about that? Without me even asking them to. Sometimes good things happen out of the blue.

There isn't much I can tell you about today, since it was such an incredibly quiet day and I feel like I am whispering while I type this for fear of making too much noise. I am looking forward to going to creative therapy tomorrow and finishing the project I am now working on. Maybe I will remember to bring my camera and take a picture of my finished project.

That's all I have for now. I need to find out what's on TV tonight and hopefully it will be something very good that I can get lost in.

Ciao...(she whispered).


CC said...

Your day and how you spent it sounds so peaceful and I admire you for how you stayed on course and did exactly what you wanted to do nothing but get lost in your thoughts. I hope you sleep well tonight and have a very enjoyable day.

Bev said...

I am looking forward to all the photos you can take on your dog walks, and also of your creative therapy.

I know what you mean about getting lost in a good film. If it is really good you can forget where you are, and it happened to me when I watched 'Road To Perdition' last night. Because it had Daniel Day Lewis in it for some reason I thought it was going to be that ultra-violent 'Gangs of New York', but it was really a coming of age movie and about fathers' love for their sons. Enthralling. Great creepy cameo by Jude Law. I would strongly recommend it to all your comment leavers.

Lane said...

One thing that always impresses me when I read your posts Irene, is your self awareness. You are constantly monitoring and analysing your moods and behaviour and putting in process, ways to keep things in line.
Well done you for handing over your credit card and for sorting out your feelings for the Exfactor. It seems like you're growing all the time.
Hope the rest of your day is as peaceful as can be:-)

Millennium Housewife said...

I'm so glad you had such a peaceful day, sometimes silence is the hardest sound to deal with and it takes great courage to embrace it, well done you! MH

Babaloo said...

Glad that the letter you were waiting for actually contained good news. Something we don't really expect anymore, eh? :-)

Maggie May said...

You seem to have everything under control, Irene.You are managing fine.
I feel positively relaxed just reading your post, so much so that I am now going to retire & say "goodnight" X

Frances said...

Yay you. Good to hear this - you sound to have been balanced today and to be resolving certain issues - hope you get a good night's sleep tonight and are ready to face a new and cheery week ahead. Good news about the letter as well.
keep well dear one

Mean Mom said...

Glad that you enjoyed a good night's sleep. It's such a good idea to get rid of the credit card. I try not to spend too much at a time, but sometimes those small purchases take me by surprise, when they are all totalled up. What a relief that you had good news from the tax office!

Wisewebwoman said...

Take a bow Irene, for such a quiet peaceful day you accomplished a whole big pile!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you managed to have a quiet day. Your a hero in my eyes, being so self aware of your illness and trying very hard to avoid the usual route of the evils of bi-polar. I hope your night is just as peaceful.
Good job getting rid of the credit card. It is tempting on a good day, much less is you feel manic. You are really protecting yourself. Excellent news about the increase in the housing and support. That must be such a huge relief.
Enjoy your group tomorrow. I would love to see the pictures.
Good Night (says very quietly)

Casdok said...

Great to hear the magic of Exfactor is wearing off, will make things easier for you.

I hope you found something to loose yourself in :)

Maureen said...

Congrats on your good news in the mail, Irene.

Can't wait to see some of your new photos.