Monday, October 20, 2008


First of all, I want to thank all of you people who commented with so much compassion on my last post. I was very worried about reading the comments, because I was expecting a truckload of criticism to fall over me, but instead you all made me feel so much better and now I feel assured that my words about my life are in good hands with all of you and that I can find trust and care and not worry about being made feel less because of some of the things I share with you. I really and truly thank all of you with all my heart.

As to today, well...I went to creative therapy, but sat on the smoking deck beforehand and one of my therapy friends came over very cheerfully to ask me how my weekend had been. Now, when your weekend has not been so good, how do you answer that? I said it had not been so good and then he asked me if I had done anything special. Well, I had, hadn't I, but I did not want to share that with him, so I said, "Yes, but I don't think I'll share that with you now." He very cheerfully took that as a hint that he should ask no further questions and changed the conversation to the weather, which was good, because we were freezing our buns off sitting in the cold air, smoking our cigarettes.

That was a good time to move to the smoking lounge which is a big word for a little unventilated room where we all sit on top of each other and inhale each other's smoke, but hey, that's what we choose for, right? For God's sake, don't make it in any way appealing to the smokers, that lepers bunch.

I went into the creative therapy studio early to explain the bandage around my arm to the therapist. I felt I owed her some explanation instead of just showing up and she was real good about it. No looks of horror, no gasps of disgust. Just acceptance, which is all I can ask for. Once everybody started trickling in, they pretended not to see the obvious, but of course they have all seen the scars on my arms and know why they are there, so two and two makes four quickly. It is nice to be around people who make no issue out of it and treat you just the same as they would on any other day. I think that's brave of them.

The Exfactor came over after I came home from creative therapy to take away every hobby knife that's in this apartment. He found 5 of them and he really looked in all the right places, so I won't have to go looking for one anymore. They are my choice of weapon. I explained to him without shame what happened yesterday, why it happened and what role my feelings for him play in it and that I was seriously considering not seeing him again for an indefinite amount of time, until I could be sure that I am no longer dependent on him and that my feelings for him are straightened out. I think he has a hard time with this, but I told him I would discuss it with my SPN. Every time I emphasized this need, he left the door wide open for me to walk back into.

My SPN showed up at 3 PM and I talked and cried for the next hour and a half. I felt like a woman having a nervous breakdown, but she kept appealing to my inner strengths and my sense of independence and self sufficiency. She reminded me of the fact that I have had these moods also when I was still married and that it didn't make any difference in the end if the Exfactor was there or not, because I am the one that takes the first step to the solution. She also reminded me of what I had gained by divorcing him and what I had been proclaiming all the 4 months previously. She said that the Exfactor is being a nice guy now and that makes me forget all the suffering, because I am not with him 24 hours a day. He is being a guardian angel on a part time basis and that makes him look good.

Then and there I made the decision not to see the Exfactor for an indeterminate amount of time and my SPN said that it was an adult decision.

After she left I had an appointment with my GP to look at the wounds in my arm, I knew I should have gotten stitches in them the same night it happened, but I just could not face the emergency room then. There is a time limit during which a doctor will put stitches in a wound and I was past that. Instead, after my GP got the wounds dry, he applied steri-strips and put a big plaster on it and I have to go back on Friday to have it looked at. I am not allowed to get that arm and hand wet, so no showering for me for a few days.

My SPN says that I don't deal well with negative emotions and let them overwhelm me and I said, "But my God, they are so huge." She says that I make them look bigger than they are by loosing track of myself. I always want to feel cheerful and happy and good natured and am very angry when I don't feel that way. I panic and loose my way in my own thoughts. I nearly self destruct. Her best advice to me is, that as soon as the negative mood hits me, to take 20 mg of temazepam and go to sleep, because I will feel better when I wake up.

I have another appointment with her on Friday and hopefully I will be feeling better by then. I think crying for an hour and a half may have helped me a bit. She asked me if I was going to call my psychiatrist back and I said that I didn't think so, because I was under the impression that he didn't give a damn. She said I shouldn't interpret other people's behavior without checking it with them. I said that he was free to call me if he felt like it.

I called the Exfactor and told him about my decision. He tried to make it sound less bad then it really is. He thinks there is a way open yet, but there isn't. I have to cut him off and he needs to come and get the rest of his boxes that are in the spare room. He is as familiar to me as the inside of my own hands and yet I have to let him go. No more rescue missions. I'm on my own, just like any other divorced woman.

Well, that was my story for tonight. It hurts, but it is good to get it all down. I need to eat now. I'd almost forget to do that in all my troubles.



Breakfast in California said...

You sound better today, and I'm glad.

Maureen said...

So good to hear you had someone to pour out your emotions to... you needed that.

You remind me of some of my own issues with control and/or the loss of control. This past weekend, I nearly got into an accident that I know was my fault; and I was sick with guilt, well, still am when I think about it. How could I have not seen that other car? How could I have been so careless with my family in the car? Luckily we both stopped short of hitting, but I was still horrified with myself. I always thought I was a good driver, and now I am second-guessing myself and my abilities.

I hope you continue to improve, dear Irene and that your SPN was able to help. Take care of yourself.

John said...

My best - he should be out of sight and out of mind. easier said than done, though.

VioletSky said...

I am so glad you had creative therapy class and your SPN to help you through this. I'm sure you've heard all the advice before - some of it rather lame. If you need to unload, go ahead on here, we'll listen and not judge.

The Writer said...

Hi Irene,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having such a tough time of it! I think you're making some hard choices here and that's a hard thing to do. Hang in there.

Happy wandering!

The Writer...and her dog, Bear

Lane said...

Your SPN makes a lot of sense. I have no practical advice but like everyone else here I can listen. We've got a lot of ears between us:-)

Take care Irene.

Mean Mom said...

I'm sorry to read that you've been in such distress and that you were unable to find help when you really needed it.

Your SPN sounds excellent. I know that crying is a great release, but I sometimes find myself trying to avoid it at all costs. It is as if I am afraid of being sad. I wonder if you ever feel that way?

I am glad that you are feeling better, now, anyway and do take good care of your wounds.

the rotten correspondent said...

I'm so happy that you were able to put your feelings into words. I'll bet it made a huge difference.

Your SPN sounds wonderful, and very practical, too. That's a pretty nice combination.

We're here for you. You CAN do this.

Swishy said...

It is very hard to keep those feelings from overwhelming you when you are in the moment. Practically impossible. You sound like you are doing better, though, and I am so glad ... one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

I have not been on the computer for the past 3 days, so I missed out on your past few posts. I'm so sorry to hear about your deep pain and feelings of despair. I wish there was something I could do, except let you know that you are a beautiful, intelligent and creative soul and I'm here to listen. Remember you are one of "my stars."

I'm so pleased and proud that you knew you were in trouble and talked to your SPN. She sounds like she knows what she is talking about and cares deeply. Keep going to your groups and therapy, being around other people is a good thing.

Take it day by day, minute by minute. Having Bipolar and going through a divorce, especially one where he cheated, is so very hard emotionally. However, I know you will be okay and get through this. I really believe in you.


Maggie May said...

Glad you got over that blip, Irene. You see....... you can feel desperate one day and all the time there is brightness round the corner. Its a pity that the mood can overtake you so badly that you can't see that.
((Hugs)) to you. X

The Artful Eye said...

Catching up with a couple of your posts and still trying to make heads or tails, sounds like a rough patch. Keep talking. I hope you'll find some peace in your decisions.

Grit said...

keep going, irene; we are here in blogland for all types of talk.

CC said...

Irene, I am happy you were able to talk about your demons and get some help. You are a beautiful person, your writing shows this. Always think of your blog’s title, The Most Splendid Day and begin your day with this attitude even when the sun is not shining. I hope your day is splendid!

laurie said...

you're on the road to better, irene. stay the course.

and don't worry too much about the decisions you make. you don't have to stick with them forever.

there are decisions one makes that are eternal, and there are decisons one makes to help them get through the next few days or weeks or months.

you'll know the difference. hang in there.

Anonymous said...

To write all this down will help you in the long run. Some people cannot do that. You can. You do it very well and make the reader feel totally there with you.

I want to tell you a secret; when I was 26, I self-harmed. I was incredibly hurt by someone and couldn't take the pain any longer. I had no intention of doing anything more than just causing someone to feel sorry for me. I had both my arms wrapped in bandages and still have scars on my left arm to this day.

The only person who gave me sympathy was the person whom had hurt me. I couldn't write or speak about it. I didn't have your courage.

CJ xx

Babaloo said...

Oh dear Irene, I didn't visit you(r blog) for a few days and I'm sorry you've been in such distress the last few days!

Glad, though, that you found support today at least. Your SPN seems to be great, I think I like her! :)

Like Laurie said, make your decisions for now, don't worry about months down the line. You need to take care of yourself and you do that here and now. Worry about other things later.

Sending you a big hug!