Crisis.

It's very odd how things go. Some time after I published my last post, things started to go badly with me. My mood plummeted and I became very sad and angry and morose. I tried to ignore these feelings by stubbornly staying behind the computer and keeping myself busy with reading comments to other blogs and looking up photographs that I could use for future headers. I also walked the Überhund and when I came back, I had to make cigarettes, and while making cigarettes, I realized that my thoughts were going into a totally wrong direction. As a matter of fact, they were taking a turn to wanting me to use coping mechanisms that I had not used for 6 years and I realized I was going to hell in a hand basket fast.

Still, while I was making the cigarettes, the thought of my dysfunctional solution to the relief of my feelings did not leave my head and the idea grew bigger and bigger, until it seemed like the only thing left to do and when I had made the last cigarette, I went ahead and did just that. Afterwards, I felt a sense of relief and a dissipation of tension, which is what I always remembered feeling and I knew I had done enough damage. I took care of the wounds and bandaged them neatly and then I did what I should have done before. I called the crisis intervention line.

I had a very unsatisfactory talk with a professional counselor. We may as well have been discussing the weather and he suggested that I distract myself for the rest of the evening by watching TV. Inside me there was a person screaming for help and he wanted me to watch TV. I realized that this person was not going to be able to help me and I very courteously cut the conversation short after we ran out of words to say to each other. You go through the motions, you know?

Then I tried to call my psychiatrist on his mobile phone, but he was just sitting down for dinner and said it was a bad time for me to call. He didn't return my phone call.

I finally called the Exfactor, not knowing who else to call and he suggested taking extra sleeping pills and just going to sleep until the worst of it was over, which I did. I took a double dose of my strongest capsules and laid down on the sofa and slept for 4 hours and I feel somewhat better now, although trying to deal with the aftermath is like a drunk person waking up with a hangover.

I regret that my feelings have taken such a nose dive that this is the only solution I could come up with. At he same time, I am not sure if I regret the solution, as long as I don't do this again. I can't revert back to old ways. Then there will be no end in sight.

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It is morning now and I slept very well after I wrote the above. The Überhund woke me up, because he had to go out and piddle, so I let him go out back. I am glad it is the day after now and that I can go to creative therapy this morning and that my SPN will be here this afternoon.

I would just like to pick up the pieces of my life again and get on with it and pretend that yesterday never happened. Sadly enough, there is a bandage around my arm to remind me that it did.

I want to be cheerful and happy and generally feel good and right now I feel that I am able to, except that I have to deal with the aftermath of yesterday, but yes, I feel very much better this morning compared to yesterday evening. Of course, that is part of the disorder, the tendency to have these complete changes of moods during the day and in each mood you forget what it is like to be in the other mood.

Right, wish me luck for today. I hope nobody comes down too hard on me. I'll let you know this evening how it all went, providing I am in the proper mood, of course.

Ciao...