Monday, October 20, 2008


It's very odd how things go. Some time after I published my last post, things started to go badly with me. My mood plummeted and I became very sad and angry and morose. I tried to ignore these feelings by stubbornly staying behind the computer and keeping myself busy with reading comments to other blogs and looking up photographs that I could use for future headers. I also walked the Überhund and when I came back, I had to make cigarettes, and while making cigarettes, I realized that my thoughts were going into a totally wrong direction. As a matter of fact, they were taking a turn to wanting me to use coping mechanisms that I had not used for 6 years and I realized I was going to hell in a hand basket fast.

Still, while I was making the cigarettes, the thought of my dysfunctional solution to the relief of my feelings did not leave my head and the idea grew bigger and bigger, until it seemed like the only thing left to do and when I had made the last cigarette, I went ahead and did just that. Afterwards, I felt a sense of relief and a dissipation of tension, which is what I always remembered feeling and I knew I had done enough damage. I took care of the wounds and bandaged them neatly and then I did what I should have done before. I called the crisis intervention line.

I had a very unsatisfactory talk with a professional counselor. We may as well have been discussing the weather and he suggested that I distract myself for the rest of the evening by watching TV. Inside me there was a person screaming for help and he wanted me to watch TV. I realized that this person was not going to be able to help me and I very courteously cut the conversation short after we ran out of words to say to each other. You go through the motions, you know?

Then I tried to call my psychiatrist on his mobile phone, but he was just sitting down for dinner and said it was a bad time for me to call. He didn't return my phone call.

I finally called the Exfactor, not knowing who else to call and he suggested taking extra sleeping pills and just going to sleep until the worst of it was over, which I did. I took a double dose of my strongest capsules and laid down on the sofa and slept for 4 hours and I feel somewhat better now, although trying to deal with the aftermath is like a drunk person waking up with a hangover.

I regret that my feelings have taken such a nose dive that this is the only solution I could come up with. At he same time, I am not sure if I regret the solution, as long as I don't do this again. I can't revert back to old ways. Then there will be no end in sight.


It is morning now and I slept very well after I wrote the above. The Überhund woke me up, because he had to go out and piddle, so I let him go out back. I am glad it is the day after now and that I can go to creative therapy this morning and that my SPN will be here this afternoon.

I would just like to pick up the pieces of my life again and get on with it and pretend that yesterday never happened. Sadly enough, there is a bandage around my arm to remind me that it did.

I want to be cheerful and happy and generally feel good and right now I feel that I am able to, except that I have to deal with the aftermath of yesterday, but yes, I feel very much better this morning compared to yesterday evening. Of course, that is part of the disorder, the tendency to have these complete changes of moods during the day and in each mood you forget what it is like to be in the other mood.

Right, wish me luck for today. I hope nobody comes down too hard on me. I'll let you know this evening how it all went, providing I am in the proper mood, of course.



Maggie May said...

Oh dear, I am first and am probably inadequate to give you advice.
Sounds like you did all the right things, Irene, and I do hope it was just a blip and that you will be on an even keel from now on.
You have the home visit today, don't you?
Thinking of you and sending out ((hugs) X

softinthehead said...

Much like Maggie I feel inadequate to the task of advising you but just know we are all rooting for you:)

CC said...

I am so sorry you had to go through what you went through yesterday, I will be thinking of you today and hope the sunrise brings new hope and a sense of well being to your day.

laurie said...

oh, irene, how could they have not responded to you any better than they did? your psychiatrist makes me angry. emergencies are emergencies and so what if it interrupted his dinner.

i hope things go much better today, but i think you still need to find someone professional to talk to. these moods don't always lift quickly, and i want someone to help you through it.

thinking of you.

Lane said...

I have to agree with Laurie. I'm astounded that the responses to your calls were so lax. You needed support and you were left to deal with it on your own. Awful.

I do hope today is better for you.

Elaine said...

I feel so sad that you were reaching out for help and no one was there. I hope today has been better for you. x x

Anonymous said...

Like the others, I am sorry that have endured a bad day and that no one seemed to there to talk to you.

Do take care of yourself. You are so very precious to us.

CJ xx

Maureen said...

Oh Irene, I am sorry to read this. I do hope that today is better for you. I also hope you find a contact you can depend on during times like these... can your SPN help?

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Breakfast in California said...

Oh Irene, I'm sorry this happened. If you're using a razor blade, get rid of it!! Don't keep them in the house!

I hope your shrink choked on his dinner.

miwise said...

Unless they've experienced it, it's difficult for others to understand how a person can go from bubbly and cheerful one minute to the brink of that dark hole in the next. I hate that you go through it; I hate that I go through it. Sometimes I bake. The smell of fresh baked cookies is a lift. A new pot of coffee and warm cookies is a gift to myself. Sending good thoughts your way.

the rotten correspondent said...

Your doctor should be brought up for malpractice. You weren't interrupting his dinner. He chose the profession he did knowing it wouldn't be banker's hours.

Shame on him.

Sending you hugs and courage.

Minnesota Matron said...

Honey, hang in there. The Matron has been through her own Crisis. She was a train wreck, well nigh into her thirties. Some day she'll blog about it, finding courage in people like you!