A terribly ordinary Tuesday.

One thing about sleeping on the sofa is the problem that sometimes I almost fall off, but then I catch myself just on time and I do manage to go back to sleep. Another problem is that one arm hangs droopingly over the side of it on the floor and then I wake up with all the feeling gone out of it. There is also less room for me and 3 cats and we do fight for position on the smaller area, although I think more often than not I win, I having the greater bulk. I just push my weight around and get them to move. I rule.

Every night I tell myself that I'll sleep in my bed and every night I end up on the sofa, but I remember that I did this for a long while last year also. I guess it is just cozier and I fall asleep with the TV turned on low and I wake up some time in the night and turn it off when they repeat the news program. I listen to the news subliminally and in the morning I can tell you all about it.

The Überhund is really good about letting me sleep until whatever time I wake up. He is usually not in a rush in the morning. Once I am up, I can leisurely have my mug of coffee and my cigarettes before he starts to make urgent noises. Then we first have to do our pill ritual and the get dressed ritual and the get the shoes on ritual, which all takes a long time for him, but he waits patiently. He's a good dog.

I have had a good day. My mood has been steady, there have been no ups or downs like there have been lately and I am very happy for that. I kept an eye on the clock a little bit and was half anticipating a breakdown at he end of the afternoon, but nothing happened. I think making the decision not to see the Exfactor anymore and not having contact is a good one and it has sat my mind at ease.

As it is, he is coming over with his brother from Friesland on Thursday with his car to get some boxes out of the spare bedroom. I grudgingly agreed to that, because they do need to go and I have not seen his brother for almost a year. But that will be it then. I've got to remember to ask for the keys to the apartment too. He still has a set, because so many of his things were still here.

My friend Lucien said something very astute this afternoon. She said that to her it looked like the Exfactor had a hard time letting go of me too. I think she is right. He can not imagine a life with me not in it. He has two weeks vacation now and he kept inviting me to come up to see him with the train so we could go for bike rides together, because he has a spare bike.

Well, there will be none of that now and I feel a great deal of relief and a sense of freedom that I don't have to deal with this portion of my life for now. Divorced is divorced. It isn't being a little bit married still. I have to be autonomous and independent because that's what suits me best. I can't allow myself to get all tender hearted.

I was worried about having the divorce party and really feeling happy about that and putting on a cheerful face and I thought it was going to be difficult to pull off. Now I don't have to worry about that anymore either.

I have had to put a bandage around my arm, because the big plaster that my GP had put on it was starting to come off. I did do the dishes wearing a latex glove that fit kind of roomy. It's a bother to try and remember not to get that wrist and hand wet and I can't wear my watch, although I keep looking at the place where I normally wear it.

I haven't gone grocery shopping yet and I am down to the last little bit of everything. I am eking out the milk to make it last until tomorrow morning. It's really silly, but I couldn't get into the proper shopping frame of mind today. I was just waiting to see where my mood was going to take me and that was the most important thing. I can still go now, because the supermarket is open until 10 PM and maybe I will, if it isn't raining.

All in all it has not been a bad day and I am looking forward to ergo therapy tomorrow morning. I just would like to have more activities. Something on Friday mornings maybe. I have to find out if there is a possibility. There must be something. There is too much alone time in the week, that is not good, I need to have more people around me.

Well, goodness, before I get morose, let me stop writing right now and eat my delicious Cup a Soup. It is always so nice and thick and creamy the way I make it. It's a real treat.

Talk to you all tomorrow.

Ciao...