After 4 months of finding myself continually in a good, if not a hypomanic mood, I find that since several days I am back to rapid cycling again, where I find myself in a good, if not a somewhat hypomanic mood during the day, only to hit a very low patch in the early evenings when a feeling of doom settles over me and everything becomes useless and narrow and hopeless and I can't seem to think my way out of sense of depression.
At first I didn't realize what was happening to me and I reacted to the mood as if it had a legitimate reason to exist, but I soon found out what was happening an that this was rapid cycling and that I must not act or react when I am in a frame of mind like this and especially not make any big decisions. I have to wait for the mood to pass and for me to come back to 'normal'.
It has been my experience in the past that sleep is a great healer when I am in these moods and that when I wake up, the mood has lifted or is nearly gone, so today at 6 PM, when I found myself under its spell again, I took 20 mg of temazepam and laid down on the sofa and took a very long nap. It is 11:30 PM now and I have been up for a while and I feel ever so much better now. The bad mood is gone and I feel 'normal' again.
Of course, this is going to play havoc with my sleep schedule, but I am more interested in feeling well emotionally and I will stay up for several hours and enjoy the serenity I feel now. The dark clouds are gone and so is the confusion.
I am not happy with the rapid mood changes, but I am glad that I found some sort of solution. It's like running a one legged race, somehow you do it in spite of yourself. It's not harder to go through this on my own. Having another person here is no help at all, as a matter of fact, it would be a hindrance in that I would feel guilty and distracted and apologetic. On my own, I can just get the thing over and done with, without the added stress of having another person here to calculate into the equation.
I am a bit manic in the afternoons and it manifests itself in different ways. Shopping is the main one and I have made arrangements for the Exfactor to come and pick up my credit card and keep it for me so I won't be tempted to use it impulsively. It is better if I use my mania in productive ways such as cleaning the apartment or going for long walks with the Überhund.
So, this was a little ramble to update you on my present state of mind, which is one of rapid cycling. Hopefully this is not a harbinger of a depression, but I will assume the best and think it is not. The manic episodes scare me the most, because I become so unreasonable, but then again, I am unreasonable when the funk hits me too.
Sleep is the great healer and I recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough time emotionally. Sleep and sleep and you will feel better.
Ciao...
13 comments:
It must be very bewildering to experience sudden changes of mood, for no apparent reason. It sounds like a very good idea to sleep when you are feeling low.
I like your starry night picture and I am glad that exfactor is being a good friend to you.
Thank you for sharing Irene. I've enjoyed reading some of your blogs. I found you by googling "cleaning blogs", and I stumbled upon your gem of a blog. I look forward to reading more. Have a great evening.
Dear Irene,
I'm so very sorry to hear that the rapid cycling is rearing its ugly head. It sounds like you found a good way to deal with it, sleep can be an excellent healer. Keep taking care of your emotional needs, I think by just recognizing is a huge step. However, don't hesitate for one second to discuss it with your doctor if you find it is not improving. You have had a rough year, even thou you have been dealing with it well. Sometimes the changes/feelings catch us with us unexpectedly.
Sending love. Your not alone, my friend.
XXXXXXX
I think it's great that you are able to recognize the fact that you're rapid cycling, but I'm sorry that it's happening.
Today I made pancakes from scratch, which is not difficult. Wish you were here to have one.
It's finally turning cool, although the winds are supposed to change next week and come from the desert, not something we enjoy.
Take care.
Sleep is a great healer, Irene, I hope your black patch fades.
I suffer from depression too, I call it The Black Dog and I sense it pacing the horizon sometimes, less so than it used to pace. I have to be extra careful not to spiral downwards into the vortex. I can't imagine rapid cycling, I am so glad you are taking care of yourself, my dear.
XO
WWW
I'm sorry that you are having to face these mood swings, irene. Very pleased that you have picked up on it though. Surely that is good.
Hope that you will not get any repeats as you are doing so well.
As you say, sleep is a wonderful healer. So is time. X
When I first started to read you post I thought you were on a keep fit phase.... thought, blimey Irenes taken up cycling LOL..... Im so sorry though to hear of this up and down cycling mood.... but you seem to know whats going on and how best to deal with it.... so that is good.... be strong...
x
Glad you caught it quickly this time, Irene. That means you can keep an eye on things before they get out of hand. Good idea to use sleep - I remember you getting very tired and sleep-deprived in the past and it didn't help. I think the hyper moods use tremendous amounts of energy and with your food intake that must be hard to maintain.
Good idea about the credit card. Huge wave of support and strength being sent to you from here. And don't forget you can do it with meds if you have to.
hugs
I completely agree with you on sleep. Not only gives it the rest that you probably need but it also provides some distance which I always find very helpful. Sometimes things seem quite gloomy in the evening but, somehow, after a good night's sleep everything looks a bit brighter.
I hope you get through this rapid cycling phase soon.
(Oh, and where do you find all your lovely pictures for your header?)
I think you're handling this well, Irene. Only other thing I would suggest, which is along the same lines, would be developing a ritual time like reading for only in the evenings if you can't sleep. Sleep seems to do it for you, though, so I'd go for it.
Hang in there!
Happy wandering!
The Writer...and her dog, Bear
People work nightshifts and their body clock is constantly disrupted. To know and recognise these symptoms is your great advantage.
CJ xx
Sending hugs Irene. Take care and be well. Sounds to me like you're taking it as it comes and making safe decisions but I hope it doesn't ast too long.
All my best, Irene.
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