After 4 months of finding myself continually in a good, if not a hypomanic mood, I find that since several days I am back to rapid cycling again, where I find myself in a good, if not a somewhat hypomanic mood during the day, only to hit a very low patch in the early evenings when a feeling of doom settles over me and everything becomes useless and narrow and hopeless and I can't seem to think my way out of sense of depression.
At first I didn't realize what was happening to me and I reacted to the mood as if it had a legitimate reason to exist, but I soon found out what was happening an that this was rapid cycling and that I must not act or react when I am in a frame of mind like this and especially not make any big decisions. I have to wait for the mood to pass and for me to come back to 'normal'.
It has been my experience in the past that sleep is a great healer when I am in these moods and that when I wake up, the mood has lifted or is nearly gone, so today at 6 PM, when I found myself under its spell again, I took 20 mg of temazepam and laid down on the sofa and took a very long nap. It is 11:30 PM now and I have been up for a while and I feel ever so much better now. The bad mood is gone and I feel 'normal' again.
Of course, this is going to play havoc with my sleep schedule, but I am more interested in feeling well emotionally and I will stay up for several hours and enjoy the serenity I feel now. The dark clouds are gone and so is the confusion.
I am not happy with the rapid mood changes, but I am glad that I found some sort of solution. It's like running a one legged race, somehow you do it in spite of yourself. It's not harder to go through this on my own. Having another person here is no help at all, as a matter of fact, it would be a hindrance in that I would feel guilty and distracted and apologetic. On my own, I can just get the thing over and done with, without the added stress of having another person here to calculate into the equation.
I am a bit manic in the afternoons and it manifests itself in different ways. Shopping is the main one and I have made arrangements for the Exfactor to come and pick up my credit card and keep it for me so I won't be tempted to use it impulsively. It is better if I use my mania in productive ways such as cleaning the apartment or going for long walks with the Überhund.
So, this was a little ramble to update you on my present state of mind, which is one of rapid cycling. Hopefully this is not a harbinger of a depression, but I will assume the best and think it is not. The manic episodes scare me the most, because I become so unreasonable, but then again, I am unreasonable when the funk hits me too.
Sleep is the great healer and I recommend it to anyone who is going through a tough time emotionally. Sleep and sleep and you will feel better.