Monday, April 29, 2013

Like a newly born lamb...

I have not finished my first cup of coffee yet and already I am attempting to put my thoughts to the metaphorical paper. What courage I have. I must be willing to go out on a limb if I am brave enough to try that. No actually, I think I am just enough in a stupor not to quite realize what I am doing and for all I care, I stay that way for a while. It is another way of approaching things and I really do not mind that for a change. Soon enough I will come to my senses and then I will pick my words more carefully.
Feeling naked and vulnerable, I must admit that I feel a certain amount of sadness and that I have a great longing to feel happiness and joy in overwhelming amounts. I would like for them to wash over me like a great wave of the ocean and not quite drown in them, because drowning in them would be fatal. I think the sadness is a result of everything that has happened in life and has come to the surface now that I have decreased my medication, because I am noticing it more and more these past few days.
Since I do not want to live with it, I have to make the decision to go back to the original dose and consider the experiment as failed, with which I do not mean to imply that I am a failure, because I feel far from it. I had been on the original dose for a long time and there must have been a reason for that and it was possibly not such a great idea to start messing about with it, but it was worth a try. Having made the decision to go back to it, I already feel a lot better and I have just taken the extra 1 mg. I should start feeling improvement shortly.
On a totally different subject: my American ex is going to be here June the 12th and will be staying for a month. He is flying into Amsterdam, because on his way back, he wants to spend a couple of days there, no doubt to also visit the Rijksmuseum, which has turned out beautifully and has already had a record number of visitors. The Exfactor and I want to go there when the excitement has died down an bit and when it is not so crowded, maybe in the fall.
I have had enough coffee and will start drinking lemonade. That is usually a signal that I start winding down my activities behind the computer and get myself ready to go back to bed for those last hours of sleep. I am not stubborn enough anymore to stay up all night to come to regret it later. I do realize the importance of some sort of a schedule, however odd it is. What is funny is, that Tyke is totally in tune with me and has completely adapted himself to the hours I keep. Gandhi is a whole different matter and sticks to het own schedule, but that is why she is the cat.
Goodnight and good morning.


Rob-bear said...

I'm back on my original does of one medication, but a higher dose of the other. Another failed experiment. But, like you, I do not consider myself a failure. Illness is, generally speaking, a nuisance, an inconvenience. A "Bah! Humbug!" kind of experience.

When you say, "I have a great longing to feel happiness and joy in overwhelming amounts," I really understand that. I have that same longing. And no "cure" for it.

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting
Life in the Urban Forest (My poetry blog)

Wisewebwoman said...

Yes I can relate to all you say, Irene. I do experience joy and bliss now, but it took me a long, long time to get there.

You know what is best for you and you give everything your best and you are a winner.


Naperville Now said...

Hope that your feeling better and lighter in spirit with the adjustment. Take care.