Tuesday, April 21, 2009
A phone call.
My daughter called me from Texas this afternoon and we talked for about 45 minutes. This did me so much good. It was better than any pill I could have taken or any therapy session. All she did was tell me about all the details of her life and I was an eager listener and asked many questions and it satisfied me very much. My daughter is a wise woman and has her head screwed on straight and makes good decisions, but we had the most fun talking about my grandson and about her vegetable garden. These are very good moments in a day and are very precious. I treasure them like precious jewels.
This morning, after I had those two beers, I walked the dog and took a long nap on the sofa and when I woke up, I was sober. I made a decision then and there to not have any beer in the house, because it only complicated matters and was not really a solution. It's better if I face my problems stone sober and not inebriated. Being somewhat drunk is just running away from what is really bothering me and not facing up to those things.
I was not feeling well and very down in the dumps. The things I had to take care of overwhelmed me and I could not face them and pull them off. I cleaned up the kitchen, but that is as far as my willpower went. I called the Exfactor and he agreed to do the grocery shopping for me, which I was not looking forward to. I dreaded getting on my bike and going to the store and picking out the things I needed to get. It seemed like an unsurmountable task and very difficult to be in a busy store surrounded by shoppers with shopping baskets who all had the same objective, to get out of the store as quickly as possible.
The Exfactor drank the last beer there was in the refrigerator and I specifically told him not to buy any more. I don't want to become an alcoholic and that is what I would have to be in order for the buzz of the beer to last all day long and that's silly. I would rather drink coffee and decaf and take my tranquilizers and eat a decent meal now and then.
I told the Exfactor that sometimes I felt suicidal, but that I worried about what would happen with the dog if I was gone and that this kept me from seriously pursuing this line of thought. He is an old dog, nobody would want him and the Exfactor can't have any pets where he lives.
Shortly after he left, my daughter called and that changed everything. The dog's eye is infected again and I had to take him to the vet and was not looking forward to that at all, even though I knew I had to go. I had a sore stomach because I knew I had to go, but after my daughter called, it suddenly seemed like an easy job and I took him over there and got two kinds of ointment for his eye which doesn't look good at all. It's going to be a chronic disorder that will never get fixed but only be kept under control. The medication is rather expensive, but the Exfactor pays for it as part of our divorce agreement. I feed the dog and he pays for the medical expenses. I don't buy cheap dog food.
I am looking forward to tomorrow because it is ergo therapy then and I always pick up a golden nugget or two. In other words, I usually come out wiser than I went in. A lot depends on the mood with which I enter the discussion. Honesty is important. I have to be fully aware of my mood and not try to make it look different than what it is. I have to tell the whole truth and nothing but. Not try to dismiss any part of it.
Sometimes I get so darned scared of life. It is like it immobilizes me and I want to crawl away in a hole and never come out. Things I do as a matter of fact usually, suddenly become terrifying. The stress it causes me is enormous and renders me useless. I may as well be locked up in a padded room, when all I really need is a lot of tender loving care and a guardian angel. Just for a while, until I have courage again.
Well, the Exfactor sent me some photographs, so I will post those now. I only post what I think will interest you.
I hope you all have a good evening and that you all have your heads on straight.