Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I tried.

I put it off for an hour and a half, but then I could not wait any longer and went to the refrigerator and got me a cold bottle of Hoegaarden. I know I will feel better only as long as the alcohol is in my body, but I just want a quick fix so that I don't feel this awful stress that I woke up with. I have just about finished the bottle and feel better already.

Yesterday afternoon at one point, actually closer to the evening, the effects of the alcohol wore off and I was back to reality. I didn't cope well with it, but after I walked the dog and watched the news, I put my pajamas on and took a long nap on the sofa. A very long nap. It was past midnight when I woke up and turned on the computer thinking I would be awake for awhile. I answered some emails, but pretty soon felt the sleep returning to my body and went back to the sofa where I quickly fell asleep and had very strange dreams about early Judaism and the origin of the rituals. It had to do with the power of numbers and the importance of the penis.

When I woke up this morning, I loathed my sculptures, although I remember loathing them last night as well. It seems that is where all my trouble started yesterday. With my therapist's refusal to let me make more, when I was so ready and willing to go to work on one. I know that this is something I will get over. This feeling won't last.

I don't know what my day is going to look like. I am drinking my second Hoegaarden now and I know I have to go to the store to buy milk and some other things and price beer, because there is no doubt about it that I am going to buy more. I'll have to sober up before I go. That causes me to feel much stress. The empty bottles have to be taken back for their deposit money and I just can't wrap my mind around that.

Well, I'm sorry that this is going to be such a short post. I guess I don't have it in me to write a longer one. I have to get dressed and walk the dog after I finish this beer.

I will write more later today.



Maggie May said...

Oh dear, not a good idea to get into the drinking habit.
That has a definite depressing effect afterwards.
Maybe you will have to get to the root problem and work on that.
Do try X

Have you seen this man? said...

Well Irene if I was going to crack a beer with you it would have to be Hoegaarden - in fact I have several in the fridge at home so I will have one with you this evening after work. Cheers!

Babaloo said...

I'm with Maggie May here. A bit of beer is all good and well every now and then. But it doesn't solve the problem and you know it.
Hope you get enough courage and energy to find out what's actually going on.
Sending you a big hug

aims said...

Irene - call your SPN.


jeannette stgermain said...

Irene, why exactly did your therapist forbid you to work on your sculptures when you wanted to?
It seems to me that if I would talk to your therapist that I would ask, is it better to get hooked on making sculptures, or on beer?
The answer is simple...and I think your therapist would not ream you if you start them them, if you like to. Just do the sculptures for yourself - say to anyone who wants them, "I'm starting a collection for myself."
Hope you'll get out of this cycle quickly:)

Gail said...

I do not understand! If this is theraphy, why would you be denied?

Hang in there.

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