Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The day after.

When I woke up this morning, I felt that I had more courage, as the long sleep had cleansed away the troubled thoughts from my mind, or so I thought. I sat behind the computer with my coffee and cigarettes and with much good will replied to the comments that had been left on yesterday's post. I wanted to say to you all that I was okay and that I had everything under control again, but that was only wishful thinking on my part.

Soon enough it became time to call my SPN and when I got her on the phone, she said that she already knew that I had called the crisis hot line yesterday. Apparently a notification is sent when someone looks into your file and she had wondered what the problem was, having just gotten into the office.

As soon as I explained my story to her and about the unstable days I had had, the floodgates opened and I started to bawl like a little kid. Suddenly everything seemed unsurmountable and I could see no light at the end of the tunnel, unless I learned to be very tough and to never let anything bother me again, but she said that was not the way to go and that I was thinking very black and white.

All I could say was, "I'm sorry, I'm in a hole and I can't see my way out of it." She promised to call me back, because she had a patient waiting for her and I realized she could not hang out on the phone with me forever.

I called the only other person I know I can rely on and that is the Exfactor and I said that I was in trouble and that I needed his help. He said that he would be over in an hour. Then I called my older sister, whom I had not been able to get a hold of yesterday and she, in her very down to earth way, talked some sense into me. She said things I needed to hear and put me back on the rails and I felt better after I talked to her. I was done crying anyway.

My SPN called back and we made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon and I hope we can figure out this unstable period I am going through now and the convoluted relationship I have with my sister and which I am so ready to put an end to.

The Exfactor came and I talked to him and he knows my long history with my sister and had some wise things to say. We drank coffee and talked and I slowly came to my senses. Then he walked the Überhund for me and did all my grocery shopping, so I wouldn't have to get dressed. That was over and beyond the call of duty, but very necessary, because there was nothing left to eat.

When he came back, I finally had something decent to eat and it tasted very good.

So, I took a nap on the sofa, because if anything helps, sleep always does and I'm still wearing my pajamas with a big cardigan over them and I feel like I'm recovering from a huge illness. Outside is not the place I want to be right now. It's a place I flee from to be here inside my messy apartment.

I feel all dented and bashed up. Like a car that got into a bit of a wreck.

Tomorrow morning I will get dressed again to go to ergo therapy, because it is important that I don't miss that. It's one of my places of refuge. It's where the broken hearted go to get healed. Where you talk and get talked to until it makes sense. Where you learn something from what other people tell you and you keep your mouth shut about what you hear.

It's a miracle that I'm sitting up here behind the computer writing this story for you. By rights I should be in bed cowering beneath the duvet, taking many pills. At least I've gotten that far in my recovery that I don't feel the need to do that anymore. That's progress.

Well, that's all I have to share with you today. Thank you for all of your support. It helps me tremendously.



aims said...

Oh Irene.

I sat here reading and thinking - Oh! I know I know I know - exactly - what you are saying.

The feeling of being in an accident is describing it perfectly.

I'm so glad you talked to your SPN. And the fact that the Exfactor helped is wonderful too. He came through when he was needed. Thankfully. That is great. You needed people to help you because we can't help ourselves right then and there. The bottom of the barrel is a long way down and the light at the other end is so far away.

You are that cigarette ad Irene.
"You've come a long way baby".

You have. You get stronger by the day. These setbacks do make you stronger in the long run and you will learn tons from it.

Huge purple hugs from me over here. (I woke thinking of you this morning)

Maggie May said...

Oh..... I am sorry you are having this blip, Irene, because that is what it is..... a blip. You know that you come out of it as quickly as you go into the pit. You can climb out, Irene.
Just got home and you are one of the first that I look up.
Hope you get on well with the SPN tomorrow, my friend. Hugs X

Grit said...

((hugs)) irene, keep going forward.

(and only give up if next you are forced to make a catapult from eight sticks and a rubber band. xx)

Lane said...

Well the Exfactor was certainly a star today.
It's testament to your strength of mind and progress that you're not 'cowering under the duvet with pills'.
I hope tomorrow goes well for you Irene. x

Wisewebwoman said...

An accident. Perfect description, Irene. I also emailed you personally.
We get strong in the broken places.
Good for the Exfactor kicking in like that.
Read yourself a good book.

Babaloo said...

It's a relief to hear you did get some support and that you're "on the mend".

Try and don't let things get to you too much. I know, easier said than done but sometimes it helps me to remind myself of that. People are people and we're all living in our own little world sometimes, wrapped up in our own problems. That doesn't mean we're neglecting or ignoring others on purpose. We're just being egoists.

Which is exactly what the ex factor has NOT been today. And I'm glad for it, it's good that he's still there to support you and help you out in an emergency. That's a good thing, isn't it!


Gail said...

I am glad you had support from the Other sister and the ex. It is wonderful just to have a shoulder to cry on.
I emailed you, too.

VioletSky said...

I'm glad the Exfactor is so often there for you when you need him most. It is rare to find someone who says "I'll be right there" when you need them. I don't know if I have anyone who would drop everything for me. It is hard to not keep expecting so much from others, especially those who so obviously will not see what we need from them.

Good luck with ergo and the SPN tomorrow.

jeannette stgermain said...

You canpat youself on the shoulder for every small improvement you make, and you are talking about a BIG one here - I am so proud of you, calling in the troops! Way to go girl:)
Hope you're feeling bettr in a day!

Maureen said...

Good to hear you reach out when you need to. And glad there are others to respond, both online and in real life. It doesn't surprise me at all that there are many around who care about you, for you are a dear woman who deserves the best.

Have a nice time tomorrow; concentrate on good things and these irritants will fade away.

pinklea said...

Good to hear that things are looking a bit better today. It's great that there are a few people (the Exfactor, your other sister, your SPN) who are very, very there for you. Good luck tomorrow!

Have you seen this man? said...

Irene: Hugs all round. Take care and stay strong.

The Gossamer Woman said...

Pinklea, I had a very instructive day during which I learned a lot and I now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you for caring.