Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The day after.
When I woke up this morning, I felt that I had more courage, as the long sleep had cleansed away the troubled thoughts from my mind, or so I thought. I sat behind the computer with my coffee and cigarettes and with much good will replied to the comments that had been left on yesterday's post. I wanted to say to you all that I was okay and that I had everything under control again, but that was only wishful thinking on my part.
Soon enough it became time to call my SPN and when I got her on the phone, she said that she already knew that I had called the crisis hot line yesterday. Apparently a notification is sent when someone looks into your file and she had wondered what the problem was, having just gotten into the office.
As soon as I explained my story to her and about the unstable days I had had, the floodgates opened and I started to bawl like a little kid. Suddenly everything seemed unsurmountable and I could see no light at the end of the tunnel, unless I learned to be very tough and to never let anything bother me again, but she said that was not the way to go and that I was thinking very black and white.
All I could say was, "I'm sorry, I'm in a hole and I can't see my way out of it." She promised to call me back, because she had a patient waiting for her and I realized she could not hang out on the phone with me forever.
I called the only other person I know I can rely on and that is the Exfactor and I said that I was in trouble and that I needed his help. He said that he would be over in an hour. Then I called my older sister, whom I had not been able to get a hold of yesterday and she, in her very down to earth way, talked some sense into me. She said things I needed to hear and put me back on the rails and I felt better after I talked to her. I was done crying anyway.
My SPN called back and we made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon and I hope we can figure out this unstable period I am going through now and the convoluted relationship I have with my sister and which I am so ready to put an end to.
The Exfactor came and I talked to him and he knows my long history with my sister and had some wise things to say. We drank coffee and talked and I slowly came to my senses. Then he walked the Überhund for me and did all my grocery shopping, so I wouldn't have to get dressed. That was over and beyond the call of duty, but very necessary, because there was nothing left to eat.
When he came back, I finally had something decent to eat and it tasted very good.
So, I took a nap on the sofa, because if anything helps, sleep always does and I'm still wearing my pajamas with a big cardigan over them and I feel like I'm recovering from a huge illness. Outside is not the place I want to be right now. It's a place I flee from to be here inside my messy apartment.
I feel all dented and bashed up. Like a car that got into a bit of a wreck.
Tomorrow morning I will get dressed again to go to ergo therapy, because it is important that I don't miss that. It's one of my places of refuge. It's where the broken hearted go to get healed. Where you talk and get talked to until it makes sense. Where you learn something from what other people tell you and you keep your mouth shut about what you hear.
It's a miracle that I'm sitting up here behind the computer writing this story for you. By rights I should be in bed cowering beneath the duvet, taking many pills. At least I've gotten that far in my recovery that I don't feel the need to do that anymore. That's progress.
Well, that's all I have to share with you today. Thank you for all of your support. It helps me tremendously.