Thursday, April 09, 2009
An odd day once more.
This has been an odd day. I have been up and awake three times and thought I was done sleeping and that I was in some sort of functioning mode, only to fall asleep again behind the computer and to have to go back to the sofa where I slept some more until the next time I thought I was awake. At one PM the phone rang and I was comatose, but answered it anyway, although I could barely make a decent conversation. It felt like I was moving through a pool of molasses and that my body was weighed down by lead.
All I could do was sit on the sofa and try to make some sense of my thoughts, but my brain wasn't functioning properly and the poor dog still had to be walked and was laying there being ever so patient. I thought of getting dressed, but it seemed an impossible task and I could not face it. I could not even get up to make myself a mug of coffee, that's how bad it was. I drank the cold coffee that was still in my mug and smoked a cigarette hoping to become animated, but it didn't work, so I called the Exfactor in the hope that he was in town and very close by.
Luckily he was and he came over right away and walked the dog for me and sat and had coffee with me while I tried to make sense of what was going on. In talking to him, I became more lucid and started to organize my thoughts. One thing was very clear to me, I didn't have the wherewithal to do any big things today and to clean the apartment thoroughly like I had planned to do. All my big plans flew out the window.
My friend Joost was supposed to come and spend the weekend with me, but I realized that getting ready for a visitor was just too much of a chore for me right now and that I was not looking forward to it. All I could think was of the work involved and the energy it would cost and I didn't have any to spare. I also thought of the emotional energy required to entertain a visitor and I knew I didn't have it in me to do that. I talked about it with the Exfactor and decided to cancel the visit.
All this time, I was still sitting there in my bathrobe and I wondered if I would ever get dressed, but I finally managed it at 4 PM. I cleaned up the kitchen a bit and then let the rest be as it was and made cigarettes and had something to eat.
I had various phone calls of my sisters who wanted to know how I was and what was wrong, but I have no explanation. I just fell into a hole, but I'm not deeply depressed, just very tired and not capable of doing anything that requires a lot of effort. Maybe I am overstressed and this is my body's way of telling me that I am. It doesn't take much to over stress me and all those little things add up.
I am going to take it easy for what is left of the day and assume that I will be alright again tomorrow. Still, I'll keep an eye on myself and watch my input closely. I do become overwrought so easily, although I do it quietly without a lot of emotions. It would be different if I broke down and cried and otherwise became upset, but I don't do that.
I feel fragile right now, like I will break if I am shaken to hard. I also feel lonely and alone and want some companionship, but I know it's not the Exfactor that I want. I just want a kindred spirit.
Since the Exfactor has not sent me any new photographs, I am going to add some from last summer. See if you like those, a sneak preview of what is to come.
Have a great evening, the sun is still shining here.