Friday, April 24, 2009

Expectations.


I've put off writing this post all day, because I assume you want a nice cheerful one and that's not what you are going to get. I feel that I should write a cheerful post, that I owe you that much and I have felt under a great deal of pressure because of it. Now, at the end of the day, I am just going to write whatever pops into my head and not worry about disappointing anyone.

I have done nothing today. Absolutely nothing. Mostly I have been asleep on the sofa and that is the reason why I never did get out of my pajamas. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not, because I would get up and run into a wall of sadness and to me that is a sign that I need to go back to sleep until it is gone.

So, I slept and slept with the TV on in the background. I slept and dreamed and woke up and turned on the computer and shut it off again and went back to sleep. Every time I was up and felt my nerves get the better of me, I shut the computer down and went back to the sofa were I laid down and very quickly fell asleep again.

Now it's late at night and I've read some blogs on my Google reader, but I've hardly left any comments. It just seemed like too much work and many times I didn't have anything sensible to say. I'm sure it is the same way for people who visit my blog. What's there to say, but I commiserate with you?

Tomorrow is going to be quite a different day. I have creative therapy in the morning, which I have very mixed feelings about. I want to sculpt, but I'm afraid that the therapist will think that I'll be sculpting for someone else and will not give me permission to. If she doesn't, it will mean another blow to me and I can't handle that right now.

At 2 PM I have an appointment with my SPN, which I also have mixed feelings about, because I am starting to feel as if I am becoming a difficult patient and I don't like that, I hate to be needy and have demands. I very quickly think that my therapist will no longer like me and start to dislike treating me.

After that, I have an appointment with my friend Von at a café downtown and I hope I have the energy to be good company. I can't be a downhearted person like I was today.

So these are some of the short term worries I have on my mind now. Those are the ones for tomorrow. I can't think past that day. The other things will have to wait until I feel better.

I have to stop writing now. I feel a lot of stress. I have to take my medicines and go back to sleep.

Ciao...

10 comments:

Maggie May said...

Tomorrow is a new day.
Sleep well Irene & wake up refreshed.X

pinklea said...

There are days, and then there are days. Like Maggie May said, tomorrow is a new one. Courage!

Gail said...

Hang in there. Tomorrow will be better.

Milo said...

Irene, I love you. I wish i could be there, so you could put your head on my shoulder and have a good cry darling... all my love, Milo
can you hug uberhund for me? and give him a big kiss?

Wisewebwoman said...

Just.Be.Real.
you're best that way!
XO
WWW

Frances said...

You are on the way up and things are getting better.
Hope the ergo therapy goes well.
What happened to the idea of altered books?
Keep well sweet person
xxx

Casdok said...

Hope tomorrow goes well for you. And hope you are feeling less stressed.

Babaloo said...

I'd say the fact that we all keep coming back should give you a clue that we don't just want cheery posts...

Also, why would you think that your SPN only likes you as an 'easy' patient? It is your right to have demands and requests and it is her job to look after you and treat you. If you keep putting on a cheery face and pretend you're fine, then you'll never get what you really need.

But, you're a clever woman, and you know all this already. Just thought I'd remind you. :-)

xx

Tessa said...

Babaloo has it spot on. Irene, you honestly don't have to pretend to be happy when you're simply just not feeling that way. All of us here, your friends, understand totally what you are going through. It's a very tough, very steep and hazardous journey and all we want to do is reach out a hand and help if we can.

I can't help feeling a bit narked with your crative therapy therapist. I think it's important that she understands that your sculpting is something you enjoy doing and to allow you to do so. I understand that she's concerned that you'll get stressed if you're doing a piece for a commission. That's difficult for any artist, no matter how competent he/she may be. But I do think she should discuss the issue with you, rather than making a judgement without you.

Anyway, whatever happens, I'm sending you my warmest wishes and hoping that tomorrow will be better for you. Please, let us know how it goes?

aims said...

Sounds to me like you need a med tweak sweetie.

I'm glad you are seeing your SPN and I know she is going to tell you she wants to see you no matter what.

The weight of the world is on your shoulders and you can't shrug it off. A little tweak might be all that you need. It has worked many times in the past.

The sleeping is a sure sign that you need something.

Could I offer a tad of advice my dear friend? Could you sometimes go back and look through your posts to see what has been done to help you at times like this? Perhaps you'll see something and it will trigger a good reaction.

At the very least - don't run from those trying to help.

I'm so sorry that they won't let you sculpt. You have such a fantastic talent there. Perhaps you could search around and see if there is a place where you can do that away from therapy. Some places offer clay and a kiln for a small amount of money.

On another note - haven't taken a pic of the necklace. Will do that later today and email it to you for your professional opinion!

Much love from over here - you know that.