Friday, April 24, 2009
I've put off writing this post all day, because I assume you want a nice cheerful one and that's not what you are going to get. I feel that I should write a cheerful post, that I owe you that much and I have felt under a great deal of pressure because of it. Now, at the end of the day, I am just going to write whatever pops into my head and not worry about disappointing anyone.
I have done nothing today. Absolutely nothing. Mostly I have been asleep on the sofa and that is the reason why I never did get out of my pajamas. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not, because I would get up and run into a wall of sadness and to me that is a sign that I need to go back to sleep until it is gone.
So, I slept and slept with the TV on in the background. I slept and dreamed and woke up and turned on the computer and shut it off again and went back to sleep. Every time I was up and felt my nerves get the better of me, I shut the computer down and went back to the sofa were I laid down and very quickly fell asleep again.
Now it's late at night and I've read some blogs on my Google reader, but I've hardly left any comments. It just seemed like too much work and many times I didn't have anything sensible to say. I'm sure it is the same way for people who visit my blog. What's there to say, but I commiserate with you?
Tomorrow is going to be quite a different day. I have creative therapy in the morning, which I have very mixed feelings about. I want to sculpt, but I'm afraid that the therapist will think that I'll be sculpting for someone else and will not give me permission to. If she doesn't, it will mean another blow to me and I can't handle that right now.
At 2 PM I have an appointment with my SPN, which I also have mixed feelings about, because I am starting to feel as if I am becoming a difficult patient and I don't like that, I hate to be needy and have demands. I very quickly think that my therapist will no longer like me and start to dislike treating me.
After that, I have an appointment with my friend Von at a café downtown and I hope I have the energy to be good company. I can't be a downhearted person like I was today.
So these are some of the short term worries I have on my mind now. Those are the ones for tomorrow. I can't think past that day. The other things will have to wait until I feel better.
I have to stop writing now. I feel a lot of stress. I have to take my medicines and go back to sleep.