Monday, April 13, 2009

The happiest day of my life.

Today I made sure I looked extra nice. I wore my gray stretch T-shirt with my black and white and gray sun dress over it and over that my new gray bolero. I wore gray leggings and my high heeled boots and my best necklace. I applied my make up carefully and made sure my hair looked the best it could. To go outside, I wore my black leather jacket.

Why did I do all of these things? Today was my niece's 16th birthday and I was going over there at 11 AM to bring her her present and have some pie with her mother, her brother and her grandparents. I thought that was a good enough occasion to dress up for, so at ten to eleven I made my way over there and rang the door bell, which was answered by the grandmother who said, "Goodness, you certainly have short hair." I thought, "Well, you may as well say the first thing that comes in to your head, why not."

I entered the living room and greetings and kisses were exchanged with everybody and congratulations with the birthday girl and we all sat down and had a piece of very nice pie from the best bakery in town and a cup of espresso. Niceties were exchanged and it would have been a good opportunity for someone to say how good I looked, but nobody thought of it, even though we complimented the grandparents on their very youthful appearance for their age.

We talked about this and that and had a second cup of espresso. I thought that was kind of meager, as that would have been the time to bring out something else to eat. I went in the garden, after listening to a speech about my smoking habits, and smoked a cigarette. When I came back in, I thought for sure that now we would be offered a glass of wine or a beer, but none was forthcoming and we just sort of sat there.

I asked my sister, "How do you like my hair?" She said, "I don't like it, because I don't like short hair on women as it makes them look manly." She then changed the subject.

After that answer and not being offered anything else to eat or drink and receiving no compliments whatsoever, I decided to go home and nobody protested my leaving. So I pulled on my jacket and made a rather quick exit and walked home where the Überhund waited impatiently for me to get back. I made myself a cup of Senseo and smoked a cigarette or two and was glad I was back in my own apartment, because at least there was no one there I would have any expectations of.

I tell you, it is better to be an Einzelgänger in life than to have expectations of people that are not going to be lived up to. You always become disappointed and I don't know why I thought this time would be different. There are so few people in my real life who really give a shit. In the end, nobody really cares. That's why it is so important to be a tough broad, but I forgot to be one today.

I am very down and distraught right now and I know that I need to talk to someone. I'll figure out who to call with this problem, because I'm having destructive thoughts. Self destructive thoughts. There's a huge storm brewing in my head and it's taking up a lot of room.

I am going to make some phone calls now. I think that's best.



Gail said...

Your posting made me smile - I remembered many years ago when I was a teenager and my gran, without fail, would tell me my hair was too short or straight and that I needed a perm. And now I find myself thinking the same thing about teenagers when I see them with that straight ironed hair!

Crystal Jigsaw said...

I think that's what family are there for, to be honest. But sometimes honesty really isn't needed when a little compassion is better. I am sorry to hear you are very down, Irene and yes, you do need to talk to someone. Perhaps someone impartial to your life.

You're in my thoughts,
CJ xx

Babaloo said...

You know what, we make an effort because we want to get praise for being nice/good-looking/organised/xxx (add whatever fits for you) and then we're disappointed when people don't notice.

That doesn't mean that you aren't all these things and it doesn't mean that people think you're not, it just means that people are too preoccupied to notice. Sometimes people just have too many other things on their minds to think about others. That's just the simple truth of it. I notice it in myself, sometimes when I'm meeting friends I have so many things on my mind that I want to talk about and then when I get home I realise that I never asked or said things I should have.

Don't get hurt by this, it really has nothing to do with you.

The Gossamer Woman said...

Gail, this posting has brought me to tears and in contact with someone at the crisis help line, who could only help me a little bit. I am now trying to contact some other people who may be of help to me, but I'm having no luck yet. I've never felt so rejected in my life, but it shouldn't surprise me, considering the source.

The Gossamer Woman said...

Crystal, you know a little bit of thoughtfulness and kindness goes a long way, at least that's always been my approach to life. Thank you for understanding.

The Gossamer Woman said...

Babaloo, I'm like the donkey who stubs his toe repeatedly against the same stone. In other words, I look for my comfort where I can least expect it. There are few such people in my life and I should know by now which people aren't going to give it to me. My sister is not my sweetheart, I can't expect certain things from her, though I wish I could. I give so much. That's all done now. I won't be making the same mistakes again.

Lane said...

As Babaloo has said, people are often too wrapped up notice things and it's not always meant maliciously but it can still hurt.

I'm puzzled by the lack of hospitality at your sister's and it seems this has totally knocked you back.
I really hope you manage to get hold of the right person to talk to asap Irene. Is it a Bank Holiday there? Please find some of your 'tough broad' and demand to speak to someone today.

Thinking of you. x

Lane said...

PS - can you let us know when you've spoken to someone?

aims said...

Oh sweetie.

Don't let them get you down. You've worked far too hard to let a little uncaring get to you.

Family is just someone who has the same parents. They don't necessarily make good friends. Because they have known you all their lives they don't think too much about what effect words might have on another. They just say it. And when it hurts they don't even notice. Having to ask family or a loved one about your haircut only proves it.

We love you out here in the virtual world and we care about your looks and how much effort you put into your day.

Call your SPN. Please Irene.

And send me another email and tell me all about it. I'll listen and respond - you know that.

btw - just to make you realise how lovely you have it where you live - it is snowing here.

VioletSky said...

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. There are so many ways to temper your opnions soas to not be hurtful. I wish some of my family had learned this. I also have found family to be the most critical and least appreciative of efforts made.

As Babaloo says, so many people are caught up in themselves that they fail to notice others. Which is rather insulting to us who are feeling ignored.

I hope you have found someone to talk this through with.

pinklea said...

I'm so sorry that your family has made you feel so low. Like others have said, sometimes they are not the best people to turn to when we need some positive affirmation. I hope you find a listening ear very soon. Take care!

The Gossamer Woman said...

Pinklea, I turn to the wrong people to get my strokes, a lesson I really learned today. I must find people who are more like me and who are more thoughtful and careful of other people's feelings. The worst of the storm is over now and I can think more clearly now. It was a strange situation to find myself in. So helpless and frustrated.


jeannette stgermain said...

No matter what anyone else thinks about your hir, as long as you like it, it's good, Irene!! Really, it looks nice on you. Your sister has a different way of looking at women than you do.
You are very modern for your age, and that is good!
Stop the self-destructive thoughts -the matter of your hair, or not being offered more food is really not worth it . Hope you called people like you planned!
Bytheway, thank you for the kind email you sent me!

Maureen said...

Well, then damn them and to hell with their opinions. Even if they didn't like it, what is the harm in saying it looks nice?

I have a certain sister in law who embarassed the whole family at dinner this past weekend as she verbally berated our waitress... daughter was just fuming at her! And it totally pissed off her own mother, who was footing the bill for everyone's dinner!

Some people just talk without thinking one bit. Ignore them, it's not worth your time or effort to even acknowledge their bad behaviour.

Don't let it get you down; it's their problem, not yours. You are a terrific tough broad who looks wonderful and has a heart of gold.

San said...

I am so jealous of women who can wear their hair short. My face is way too fat for that and I am forever combing out tangles, since my hair is curly and fine-textured.

Your outfit sounds fantastic. Do you believe jealousy was a factor in the lack of compliments?

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh Irene
I was so sorry to hear of how badly your day went, especially when you went to so much trouble with your clothes and the present.
It is easy enough to say not to be dependent on the goodwill of others but another thing entirely to practise it.
I hope you are speaking to someone who understands as you need to dispel this inner turmoil.
Family are the worst, aren't they? I've had to let go of so many of mine. With love.

Breakfast in California said...

First, I had to look up Einzelgänger in the free translater to see what you were talking about, and I don't think you're really a loner. There's nothing like family for letting you down, and I'm sorry they were so mean to you. I'm also sorry for your niece, doesn't sound like much of a celebration to me. Did you get to give her her present?

I hope you talk to someone who can help you through this. Hugs to you.

Suessigkeit said...

Well that's complete crap and I'm sorry you had to endure such an unfriendly visit. I think that the unpleasantness likely had to do with what your sister (my aunt) may have been dealing with in her own internal life, who knows. That doesn't make it ok, but should take some of the burden off your shoulders. It often pays not to take such things personally but instead turn it around and be above the fray. She can be that way because she's so self critical, and maybe with her ex-in laws there she felt especially defensive. I know, easier said than done. If I was there, I'd take you into town all dressed up for a decent piece of cake and lovely glass of wine. Don't let em get you - you're too good for that!!

big xo, your kiddo

John said...

Feel better, sorry for the pain.

the rotten correspondent said...

Ah, you've got to love supportive family, don't you? And you can't always be a tough broad. Believe me. I know.

I wish we didn't expect things from people who are incapable of coming through for us emotionally. Life would be so much smoother.

But you know what's inside you and how strong you are. Go talk to someone and feel better. But never let the negative people in your life get the best of you.

You're too good for that.

The Gossamer Woman said...

Thanks, John.

Tessa said...

“To talk too much and arrive nowhere is the same as climbing a tree to catch a fish” ~ African Proverb.

Frankly, Irene, the people for whom you dressed so nicely and went to visit with your heart so full and who had nothing but dross to share with you are doing exactly what the proverb describes...going nowhere at all. I know how hurt you must feel, but please know that there are many who admire your spirit, your creativity, your courage and your words. I am one of them.

And quite without knowing how sad you have been made to feel today, I posted an award for you on my blog. I hope that cheers you just a little, especially as I pass it on with truly heartfelt admiration.