Today I made sure I looked extra nice. I wore my gray stretch T-shirt with my black and white and gray sun dress over it and over that my new gray bolero. I wore gray leggings and my high heeled boots and my best necklace. I applied my make up carefully and made sure my hair looked the best it could. To go outside, I wore my black leather jacket.
Why did I do all of these things? Today was my niece's 16th birthday and I was going over there at 11 AM to bring her her present and have some pie with her mother, her brother and her grandparents. I thought that was a good enough occasion to dress up for, so at ten to eleven I made my way over there and rang the door bell, which was answered by the grandmother who said, "Goodness, you certainly have short hair." I thought, "Well, you may as well say the first thing that comes in to your head, why not."
I entered the living room and greetings and kisses were exchanged with everybody and congratulations with the birthday girl and we all sat down and had a piece of very nice pie from the best bakery in town and a cup of espresso. Niceties were exchanged and it would have been a good opportunity for someone to say how good I looked, but nobody thought of it, even though we complimented the grandparents on their very youthful appearance for their age.
We talked about this and that and had a second cup of espresso. I thought that was kind of meager, as that would have been the time to bring out something else to eat. I went in the garden, after listening to a speech about my smoking habits, and smoked a cigarette. When I came back in, I thought for sure that now we would be offered a glass of wine or a beer, but none was forthcoming and we just sort of sat there.
I asked my sister, "How do you like my hair?" She said, "I don't like it, because I don't like short hair on women as it makes them look manly." She then changed the subject.
After that answer and not being offered anything else to eat or drink and receiving no compliments whatsoever, I decided to go home and nobody protested my leaving. So I pulled on my jacket and made a rather quick exit and walked home where the Überhund waited impatiently for me to get back. I made myself a cup of Senseo and smoked a cigarette or two and was glad I was back in my own apartment, because at least there was no one there I would have any expectations of.
I tell you, it is better to be an Einzelgänger in life than to have expectations of people that are not going to be lived up to. You always become disappointed and I don't know why I thought this time would be different. There are so few people in my real life who really give a shit. In the end, nobody really cares. That's why it is so important to be a tough broad, but I forgot to be one today.
I am very down and distraught right now and I know that I need to talk to someone. I'll figure out who to call with this problem, because I'm having destructive thoughts. Self destructive thoughts. There's a huge storm brewing in my head and it's taking up a lot of room.
I am going to make some phone calls now. I think that's best.