Friday, June 29, 2012

In the end...

After all the trouble I went through to quit my anti-psychotics, I ended up having to go back on a low dose of them in the end because I was just not making it without them, not even with the help of a high dose of the Valerian tablets. I was only hanging in there by the skin of my teeth and things got very precarious. 

I made the decsion to to return to the anti-psychotics after consulting my psychiatrist and he was in total agreement with me, of course. I think I heard a big sigh of relief coming from his general direction. He reluctantly lets me try things, but that doesn't mean he agrees with me. 

I am doing much better now and can just about function normally again. I'm certainly capable of thinking straighter and not besieged by panic attacks and other strange phenomena. Going out of my mind comes close to describing it. 

After this unpleasant experience, I want to pick up my life and carry on from here. I want to get back to normal as quickly as possible while in full appreciation of what that concept means. I've never appreciated ordinary life as much as I do now. 


Thursday, June 28, 2012

Staying out of trouble.

I'm still going through the withdrawal process of having quit my anti-psychotics and the Valerian tablets are still keeping me sane. I'm not fundtioning very well as a result and I can't do anything too complicated. I will have to look at this as a big time out and not have too many expectations of myself. Sooner or later I will come out in the end in one piece. I have to be as patient as possible untill that time and wait it out.

I can manage to walk the dog, but not for any long walks because I have too much anxiety to be away from home much. Luckily, not much needs to happen in the apartment right now and I don't feel that I'm letting a lot of things slide. I can only pay attention to little things that take a short amount of time to do.

I watch a lot of television and smoke a lot of cigarettes and drink many glasses of cold milk. I've discovered many new programs on channel two and they keep my mind distracted. 

I don't regret doing this no matter how hard it gets. 


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

It ain't eay.

I don't want you to get the impression that quitting my anti-psychotics nearly cold turkey is easy. The first few days weren't too bad but my body is going through withdrawal now and I've been told by my psychiatrist that there will be days in the first week that will be very difficult. It takes two weeks for the medication to leave your system, but it's the first week especially when things are hard, 

It's a good thing that I have the Valerian tablets and I take those four times a day. They do calm me down and help me get through this process. I wouldn't be able to manage it without them. I get terrible anxiety attacks and break out in cold sweats, but the Valerian tablets keep me from losing my mind. 

I knew ahead of time that it wasn't going to be easy and expected some sort of reaction. I just didn't know what it was going to be. I have to be very tough with myself and not give into the desire to grab a pill to alleviate the stress of the withdrawal. 

I think by next week I will be doing a lot better. In the meantime, I'm keeping my life as simple and structured as possible and make sure there aren't any triggers that set me off.


Monday, June 25, 2012

The overcast sky.

All day long the sky has been overcast and huge gray clouds have been traveling through it making it look like it was continually going to rain but never really doing so. We were promised some sunshine at the end of the day but I haven't seen any yet and I have been waiting very patiently. I've worn my winter coat today because it was blustery outside and too uncomfortable for just my short leather jacket. And do I have to remind you that I do like to be warm at all times? 

Last week, over the course of three days, I decreased my anti-psychotic medication untill I was taking none. I decided to do it very quickly because in the past I had tried to do it gradually and never succeeded and always had to go back to the original dose. 

The first few days I was without, I was a little bit on edge, but now I feel fine and am not bothered one bit. I did inform my psychiatrist and I have an appointment with him tomorrow. 

The reasons I wanted to get off the anti-psychotics is because they always made me feel drugged and dull and I very much disliked feeling that way. I had been on them non-stop for 18 years and I was aware of the fact that they influenced my functioning very much. I thought it was about time that I found out what I was like without them and after making all these recent discoveries about myself, I was more than willing to try. 

I didn't want to tell anyone until after the fact in case there would be any doomsday thinkers that would warn me off. I wanted to find out for myself what would happen. 

I think they are out of my system now and I no longer feel drugged or dull. I'm much more alert and active. It does mean that I get a little bored more easily and I have to try harder to find ways to occupy myself. Some things that I used to do no longer interest me. Other things are more appealing. Over the course of time I will have to find satisfying things to do to keep myself busy. 

I have less interest in drinking coffee and that's because all this time I had been using the caffeine to keep me alert. It was a way to fight the sedative effect of the anti-psychotics. That's not necessary anymore now and one cup of coffee every once in a while is more than enough. I only make enough coffee for one cup at the time.

That's a total of three mediactions I have managed to quit in the last two months.

I'm happy.


Sunday, June 24, 2012

A 'normal' post...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette waiting to get tired enough so I can go back to bed. Of course, the coffee will keep me awake, so I better switch to a glass of milk. I felt obligated to drink what was left in the coffee pot, but of course I don't have to. I'm still in charge here and I can pour the contents of my coffee cup down the drain. That's easy enough. 

I've made up the bed in the guest room with my duvet and pillows and bed linens and started sleeping there because I like that room better than the room I was sleeping in. I never did get used to that big room as my bedroom. I always felt a bit lost in there and I think the dog didn't feel as comfortable there either. 

Now I have the pleasure of sleeping on a new mattress in a room I like better and I'm happy with the change. The mattress is much better than my old one and is much kinder to my body. I wake up without aches and pains in the morning. 

The dog sleeps on the floor beside the bed because there's carpet in that room and he even ignores his pillow that's also available. At least he doesn't sleep on top of me on the bed anymore and I do appreciate the extra space. The cat still likes to get on the bed, but she's just a little thing and doesn't take up much room. 

I had taken a lot of personal items out of that bedroom, but now I feel like making it cozier again and I'm thinking of ways to do that without making it look too cluttered. I also don't want it to turn into a dust trap. There's a fine line between adding some well placed items and putting down too much.

I have taken two valerian tablets and feel myself getting mellow. I've only got a few left and I think it's time to invest in some Dr Vogel natural sleep remedy tablets. I'll have to investigate online and see what's available.It may be a natural product, but I still want to know if it's sensible to use and how to use it. 

My sister and I are supposed to go to a street festival tomorrow, but I heard on the weather forecast that it's going to rain a lot. We're still waiting for summer to happen and it's almost July. At least we're not in danger of having a heatwave.


Saturday, June 23, 2012

Much to my surprise...

It's an interesting thing to watch yourself evolve and to anticipate what you are going to be like each new day. Of course, I'm not so much evolving into a brand new person as I am becoming the person I was about eighteen years ago. It seems that once I took ownership of my life, and the complete responsibilty for it, I could embrace this person I was a long time ago and allow her back into my life. I found that instead of being afraid of her and her spirited character, I actually liked her very much and very much wanted to be her again. 

I have embraced her with open arms and now am her again and I have complete faith that in this reincarnation I will live happily ever after. There is no need to hide my light under a bushel anymore. I can go ahead and shine it all over the place. There is all sorts of breathing space for the person I am now and I am so happy to be me that I could sing at the top of my lungs. I won't do that because I can't keep a tune and can only sing in the shower and very badly at that on top of it. . 

I have forgiven myself for at one time being a frail human being and for making mistakes and not being perfect. But I also like the woman who made the choices she did and see the problems she was confronted with and the limited choices she had and how she made the best of them. I'm glad I now have years of experience behind me and lots of wisdom that I didn't have then that I can apply now and I do have lots of compassion for who I was. I don't hate myself and I can look back now without embarrassment.

If you think I'm in the Hallelujah Chorus, I assure you I'm not. I have both feet on the ground, but I'm much contented.


Friday, June 22, 2012

No profoundness...

Today I will mention the fact that I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done brewing my two cups of coffee which I am sorely in need of. It is at the end of the afternoon and I am having just a little bit of a dip so I need the caffeine to climb out of it again. There's no question of taking a nap now. It is too late in the day for that. 

My bed doesn't look all that appealing anyway because those sheets have been on there for at least five days and I really want clean ones. I'm waiting for my favorite duvet cover to get dry and then I'll change the bed. The apartment is clean and I want my bed to be also. But first I've got to have those cups of coffee. 

I will not be very profound today and tell you all sorts of wise things about myself and my life. I'll take a day off and resume that again tomorrow. I don't feel like being very profound right now. I just want to be an ordinary, every day sort of person who doesn't impress anyone with her wisdom.

It has been a most excellent day and I've spent it pleasantly in the company of the Exfactor and the domestic help like I do every Friday. I think Friday is one of my most favorite days and that is also because it is the day before the weekend. 

Friday gives me the opportunity to straighten out my life without having to go far afield to look for the answers. I've usually got them close at hand and then I've got the weekend to put them to the test. I can try out any theory I have and see if it fits before I have to apply it during the week. 

I can tell the caffeine is working because I'm suddenly better capable of reasoning. I'm climbing out of my dip and becoming a human being again. I'll be sitting on top of the world in a moment. 

I guess some days you're more thoughtful about your life than other days. More pensive, I suppose. Not so outwardly shouting and loud about it. I am considering my attitude, although my outlook hasn't changed. I'm as comfortable with myself as I was yesterday and very sure of myself too. 

A cloak of restrictions and general anxiety has fallen off my shoulders and I have been set free. I am closer to how I used to be which is good. I hoped to be this way again. I'm not afraid of this person. She's a good human being and I trust her.


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Continued change...

The last couple of weeks I have come to some conclusions about  things in my life that were important to me and that determined how I felt about the past and about where I am now. It resulted in me having a lot of peace of mind and I think that is one of the reasons that I reached a milestone that is allowing me to have all this change happening in my attitude right now. 

I find that my outlook and attitude  have altered quite a bit and that I'm looking with a whole new set of eyes at a lot of things. This is quite refreshing and causes many pleasant surprises because even I don't know how I will react to any given situation. What I do and say are new to me too, but so far I am happy with the outcomes. I haven't embarrassed myself yet and I do stand behind my words and actions.

It's always pleasant to reach a new stage of growth, especially because I've been waiting patiently for it to happen and had almost given up hope for it to actually take place. I think I had come to accept things the way they were and just at that time change happened. It seems when you accept your situation it does. You must be mentally ready for it then. The timing couldn't have been better anyway. 

I feel as if my eyes are bigger and see better and as if I observe more. I hear other people's words better and the understanding of them is more clear too. I have woken up and am no longer lulled into a false sense of security. This means that all things are more clear to me, the past as well as the future, and I can no longer just ignorantly live in the moment and hide there. I do have to plan some sort of a life. 

Taking ownership of and responsibility for my life have been big things that I've done lately. They were some of the last deeds that I had to do. I come to them late but have been aware of them for a long time. I never fully understood the meaning of them and how to apply them to my life. I'm fully aware of what it means to do that now and it feels very liberating. I stand taller because of it.



I'm putting together a slightly different instruction booklet to how I'm put together now which is different than how I was put together untill just yesterday. A change has taken place that I'm adjusting to and I'm in the process of getting used to myself. I suppose this adjustment will not happen overnight and will take some getting used to. I learn things about this new me as I go along and try not to be intimidated. Change is not bad and this comes from me who always saw security in things being the same and predictable.I now find that I'm willing to stick out my neck and embrace change. 

I must have reached a point in my life when a sudden spurt of inner growth is taking place. Maybe I have, unbeknown to me, reached a mile stone that is important. I'm ready to throw off some luggage and continue on my way less heavily packed. I've thrown overboard some notions that I thought I was sure of and am starting to take on a few new ones that weigh less. It's not a big chore to do this. It's happening almost as if by itself. 

I do have to guide myself in this process somewhat and give myself emotional support. and courage. When the going gets a little rough, I tell myself to hang in there, but many times the going is a pleasure. It's a journey of discovery. It's interesting to find out how I feel about things now that I have this different attitude. I find that I look at things in a new light and have actually changed my mind about a lot of them. I feel less restricted by negative emotions and more free to feel all embracing ones. More free to have emotions at all. 

That's what I need to get used to -  having emtions that cover the whole range. That's not easy when you're used to being cooped up in a little square box. I suppose that now my emotions are all sorts of shapes and don't fit in there any longer. 

It's with some amount of curiosity that I look forward to the day to see what sort of new challenges and situations it will bring me to try myself out in. I will not go out of the way of anything because they will all be new learning experiences.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

All about Tyke...

Tyke is now three years old and fully grown. He is a little on the big side for an American cocker spaniel and is just a little bit taller than the rest of them. He is a little bit more solidly built too and at about forty pounds is quite a handful. He is compact and strong and he has a powerful chest and legs. He always pulls when he is on the leash and I have a hard time controlling him.

I just recently heard that when you put a harness on a dog, this stops the amount of pulling they do on the leash, so this morning  I rode my bike over to the pet store and bought one. I got one that you slip on with one click of the button. It's very easy to use. Unfortunately, when I came home and tried it on Tyke, it turned out to be just too small.

This meant that I had to walk to the pet store with him to get the proper size. Of course, to him that meant an adventure, but it is what I should have done in the first place. He turned out to need a large size harness if it was adjusted on the smallest setting and we walked out of the store with it on.

The difference was immediate. He didn't pull at the leash. He even walked beside me like he had never done before. The walk home was a pleasure and I even made a detour to make it longer because my arm wasn't being pulled out of the socket.

After we'd been home for a while, I decided to get a better look at the harness to see how it had been put together and Tyke immediately got up from his nap and was ready to have it put on and go out for a walk again. So we did.

I hadn't realized how much fun it is to go for a walk with a dog who doesn't pull at the leash. It changes the whole experience. Tyke has turned into a relaxed dog who only has to stop at trees and bushes now and then to do a piddle. I no longer am being pulled down the sidewalk in a hurry.

So if you have a dog who pulls at the leash, get it a harness. It will save you a lot of aggrevation and the poor dog won't have that collar choke it's neck all the time. It makes for a happy dog and a happy you.

And they lived happily ever after...


Monday, June 18, 2012


Since it is really my trademark to write about coffee in all of my posts, I'll mention it first and get that out of the way. It always makes for a good beginning and sets the tone for the rest of the post. It gets me in the right mood, sort to say. 

So let me tell you that I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and that I'm doing that instead of taking a nap which I was in danger of needing after the domestic help left. I get so bored of sitting around doing nothing but petting the dog when she is here that it makes me feel sleepy and long for my bed. 

I never feel that I can do anything important while the domestic help is here because I would only get in the way of her so I make myself as unobtrusive as possible. I sit in one spot as much as possible until I have to move out of the way when she vacuums and mops the floors.

I don't feel that I can quite relax because I do feel that I have to keep an eye on her as she moves through the apartment and cleans it. Now that she's five months pregnant she's getting a little too relaxed and isn't cleaning as well as she did before. She's done in one hour and she should work for two. She's cleaning the French way. 

She wants to keep working until she's eight months pregnant but I wonder how she'll be able to. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose her job and benefits and I'm not going to complain about her, but I do want to know what has been cleaned and what hasn't. I have to let the other domestic help know. It is a bit of a problem. 

I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday to discuss the fact that I'm unhappy with her. I let my psychiatrist know that in an email today. I feel that I have to speak up for myself, but that it's not a popular thing to do. I have to tell myself that it's normal to make demands and claim what you are rightfully entitled to, but I feel some trepidation. 

I do know what I want. I am in charge of my life and the things and events in it and I would like to be in some sort of control of them. I don't like for other people to come around and mess them up. I would like for things to run as smoothly as I can make them. I do wish for some amount of peace and quiet as I strive hard enough for that. 


Sunday, June 17, 2012


I've been challenged not to write about coffee, but you may as well ask me not to write a post at all because it is impossible for me not to mention coffee. It is such an integral part of my daily life that it would be hard not to talk about it. It makes me function when I'm about ready to take a nap and don't want to. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee now and there's more in the pot to have in a while. I'm looking forward to it already and yes, I'm starting to function much better. 

I haven't done a bleeding thing all day but walk the dog and sit around and watch interesting programs on television. I do make sure I see my fair share of those on Sundays. That's after I've quietly contemplated my navel in the silence of the early morning hours when I've finally gotten up. Because it's Sunday, I don't feel called upon to do a heck of a lot and feel that being lazy is perfectly legitimate. 

All I had to do was get dressed at one point and pretend to be wide awake, but I don't feel that I have to be as alert as I have to be the rest of the week. The dog seems to have the same notion and takes many naps in whatever sunshine is available to him. He must know that it's my day off and doesn't make too many demands. We do honor the day of the Lord and pay proper attention when the church bells ring, but that's as far as our devotion goes. 

Tonight the Netherlands is playing its football match against Portugal. We are still in the running if we beat them with two points and if Germany beats Denmark. Those are a lot of ifs that I don't have faith in. I don't even know if I will stay up to watch the match. I may get so disgusted that I'll turn off the televsion and go to bed. I even thought about lighting a candle at the Our Dear Lady Chapel, but I'm sure a lot of like minded, middle aged, Portugese women will do the same thing in their chapels. And they are catholic and I am not.

The sun does come out every once in a while even though it is overcast a lot. At least it's not raining today. It's not very warm outside and I do have to wear a jacket when I walk the dog. I'm wearing warmer clothes too, but that's purely because I'm being less stubborn and am indulging myself. I decided I wanted to be extra comfortable and ignore the fact that it's nearly summer. I don't know who to blame this weather on. Maybe some day it will be sunshiny and warm again. 

I just remembered that I have to do a load of laundry. In all my laziness I had forgotten that. 


Saturday, June 16, 2012

More hot coffee...

I saw myself forced to make another pot of coffee because I started to yawn and it is barely the beginning of the afternoon. I don't think I'm supposed to be getting sleepy yet. It would be great to go lie down in my bed and take a nap, but it was not part of the plan for today. I do want to stay up and spend the afternoon in a more upright position. 

I think the caffeine will straighten me out and help me carry out my plan and hopefully I will be wide awake again soon. I do rely on coffee to help me through the rough spots. I've made it a little stronger so it will carry a bit of a punch. I do want it to zap me back into consciousness. The side effect will be that it will put me in a good mood. 

I can certainly stand one of those, although I'm not grumpy or anything. I just like the temporary high that caffeine gives me. I woke up in a perfectly good mood this morning and it didn't take much coffee to get me started. My thoughts weren't too confused and I wasn't overwhelmed by too much input right from the beginning. I eased gently into the day. 

It's a bit cold in the apartment, but I do have the windows open and the sun is not shining. It rained all night and sometimes it came down in buckets. It was a regular deluge. I thought I would have to start building the ark and start putting the animals in it. 

For about a week now I suspected there was a mouse in the kitchen closet. The cat and the dog showed much interest in it, but I never could catch a glimpse of it. Last night, when it was very quiet, I heard something move around in there, so I opened the door and let he cat in. Some time later she came out with a dead mouse which I disposed of before the dog could get it. 

The cat had probably brought the mouse into the apartment herself and it had escaped from her. I'm glad she was able to finish the job. It had probably been living on dog food and getting to the water bowl through the crack underneath the door. I hope it had a happy last week in the closet.

I'm fully caffeinated now and I can sit up straight and function normally. I think I'm good for the rest of the afternoon. I think I can even walk the dog again which is something he will welcome very much. He's found a very good Dunlop tennis ball on one of our walks and it has become his favorite. I'm sure he's hoping to find another one. 


Thursday, June 14, 2012


It was a choice to either have some coffee or go take a nap. I chose for the coffee and am waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing it so I can have a much needed cup. I will forsake the nap and save up my sleep for tonight when I will go to bed at a fairly decent time. I won't have to watch any football matches anyway after last night's debacle when the Dutch team lost against Germany. They haven't won a match yet. It's a terrible situation and I'm much disgusted and so is the rest of the population of this country.We're all walking around in a bad mood. 

I mustn't let that press my fun and immediately move on to other things more uplifting. I will not let the defeat of the Dutch football team determine my outlook for the rest of the day.  I'm sure there are other more important things that are of influence such as this cup of coffee I'm having now and the fact that the sun is shining into the living room. That does alter your mood and make you more cheerful. There's nothing as welcome as a bit of sunshine after all these days of cloudy skies and showers. I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. 

I knew I would cheer myself up writing about that. Just making a note of it is enough to make me happier. The fact that it's getting warmer in the living room does also because it was a little bit chilly in here and I wasn't about to close the windows. It is June after all and that would be admitting defeat. For the same reason I can't turn on the heater even if it does get cold in here. I am bound and determined to keep believing that summer will get here yet and that it will happen in my lifetime. 

I'm wearing a summery top that is new, but at the same time I'm wearing my jeans and a jeans jacket. I'm not quite as warm and comfortable as I'd like to be. I'd like to wear a pair of socks too and a scarf around my neck, but I thought that might be a bit too pessimistic and not in keeping with the time of year. It's always a bit of a struggle to decide what to wear in the morning because I want to wear my summer clothes, but the weather discourages me from doing so. Wearing layers seems to be the best way to deal with it. 

The dog is watching the maintenance people from the city clean up the municipal flowerbeds. They are making an awful lot of noise because they are using power tools. I liked it better in the olden days when things were done by hand and it was a gentle occupation. I'm sure people were more skilled back then too. Nowadays everything seems to get cut back indiscriminately. The dog was sleeping in the sunshine on the dining table. He was very rudely disturbed in his sleep. 

I will now go take him for a walk and enjoy some of the sunshine. Hopefully, it will be warmer outside than it is in here.

Have a great day.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Internal combustion...

There really is a difference between taling my sleeping pills and not taking them. Without them I am less likely to inhabit higher spheres in the middle of the night. I also have less of a fantasy and I notice that when I try to write a blog post. I wax less poerically when I'm not under the influence of a barbiturate. In other words, I don't think I write as well when I am stone cold sober. 

That does mean I won't write a long, drawn out, epic blog post that is about nothing at all. I won't write just for the sake of writing, although there will always be some of that. I do enjoy my writer's role and do believe in the power of the word. But I do want to have something of significance to say. The words can't just be a means to fill the page. 

I can get a bit philosophical here and talk about the purpose of blog posts at all, but all I will tell you is that in my case they serve the purpose of alowing me to air my thoughts. In the process of airing my thoughts, things become clearer to me because it's like speaking out loud or having a conversation in which you get answers. I look at myself think and put things in order. 

It's better than having a talk with my therapist because she only causes confusion with her analysis. I resist her attempts at making me a patient and more than anything want to be an ordinary human being with all the facets that are attached to that. I do insist on that and refuse to be anything else.

Now I've got to finish sleeping. To dream, per chance. I know I will do that, there's no doubt about it. They will be the most fantastic and out of the ordinary dreams. 


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Another thrilling Sunday...

I just came home from seeing my sister where I sat in the garden and got a bit of a tan on my exposed body parts and sun burned knees that were previously white. It is a funny sight to see and makes me look very colorful. I'm white and tan and red.

I'm going to have to rub lotion all over myself so I won't dry out because my skin is not as young and supple as it used to be. I'll have to take care of my face especially if I want to grow old gracefully. There are already fine lines there and I don't want them to turn into grooves because I can't afford a facelift to smooth them out.

I've had to make myself some coffee, feeling on the verge of having to take a nap, and now I'm drinking a cup and am slowly recuperating. The caffeine is doing me good like I knew it would. I won't have to take a nap now and will be able to go to bed at a sensible time tonight.  It will be after I watch the latest thriller because it is KRO Detective Month and there is a thriller on every night. It is so exciting and they have been British and Swedish so far which is very good. I really do get my thrill and can't get enough of them. More is the motto.

I watched the very disappointing football match between The Netherlands and Denmark and in the end I was wishing for Denmark to make another goal, that's how disgusted I was with the Dutch team. The Dutch were so arrogant beforehand and said we would easily beat the Danes. Sure...

I also watched the match between Germany and Portugal and that was only a little more exciting. It's not football of the first rank so far. I will watch the matches that will be played tonight if that doesn't interfere with watching my thriller. My thriller almost definitely comes frst. It depends on how exciting the other teams and matches are.

Now I've got to eat, my stomach is growling.

Have a nice day.


Friday, June 08, 2012

Brain spotting...

Much to my surprise, it is the weekend again and it really did sneak up on me today. It was hard to imagine that it was already Friday again because it seemed not very long ago since it was. I swear that the older I get, the quicker the days pass by. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I think I mind as a matter of fact because I find myself racing towards old age. I'm definetly not ready for that, but then again I doubt if anyone ever is. I'm sure we're all stuck in our 30's and more than willing to stay there. I would like to be perpetually 39 years old. That's when my whole life changed and it wasn't for the better. 

Last night was the first night that I slept without a sleeping pill and I slept as well without it as I did with it. I don't miss it one bit, but I think that is because I had gotten down to such a low dose. I have no signs of withdrawal anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine and as a matter of fact, I felt more lucid this morning when I got up. It didn't take as long to react to the caffeine of my cups of coffee and I was ready to function much quicker. 

I hope to feel better overall now that I'm both off the tranquilizers and the sleeping pills. I had been on them for many years and thought I would never be able to quit them. I never asked to be put on them. I got them in large doses the first time I was in the psychiatric hospital and haven't been without them until recently. They give them to you to keep you manageable and sedated and I think everybody is put on them. The problem is that after two weeks of use you're hooked on them.

The dog is sitting here beside me looking very expectantly. I think he wants to go for a walk. The weather has been nice all day, although it has been very blustery. The sun has been shining most of the day, but now there are many gray clouds moving in. I think we are going to have some rain so I will have to go for that walk pretty quickly.

I hope you're all having a good Friday.


Thursday, June 07, 2012

Getting down to business...

It's early in the evening and I've just made myself some coffee. I hope that the caffeine will put me in a cheerful mood because I need some cheering up. 

I've come to realize this afternoon that my therapist may not at all be the right person for me and my ego and this realization does require some thought. I always come away from an appointment with her less of a person than I was and with my ego somewhat shattered. Consequently, I have to spend some time building myself back up again and regaining my self confidence. I'm sure this is not the purpose of an appointment with your therapist. 

I just sent her an email saying as much and that we should have a talk about this. Possibly she is just the wrong person for me and our therapeutic relationship is not going to work out. I thought it was because I was doing something wrong at first, but now I know the problem does not lie with me. Her approach is just not right for me. It undermines my self esteem and I have to be very strong not to suffer the consequences of it. I do want my ego to stay intact and for it not to be broken down each time. I do want to keep some amount of belief in myself. 

I must not really let this spoil my mood, but it did give me cause to think a little and feel irritated. I guess that's the main feeling I have because I have time and energy invested in this relationship and I do not like for it not to work out. I will very gladly go to another therapist. That's not a problem..I need someone wiser than me to talk to and help me figure out life. I'm sure there are other people around who can help me do that.  I have not yet built up the kind of loyalty with my therapist that would make it very difficult for me to leave her. 

I will be an optimist and assume the problem will be sorted out one way or the other like these things always do. I must keep seeing the glass half full. I suppose the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Well, I've started that process now.

On another note, today the weather was nice for a change. The temperature was pleasant and it didn't rain. It was almost a miracle. It's supposed to rain like crazy tonight, but that's okay because I will be in bed. 

I hope you're all having a good evening. 


Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Holding my horses...

It's been impossible to write a post before this time, but don't ask me what I have been doing instead because I won't be able to answer you. I don't have much to show for my time, except that I can say that I have not wasted it and have been keeping myself occupied. I have been steadily working on my list of things to do and I've had appointments each day lately so I managed to stay out of trouble for he most part. 

The list of things to do is turning out to be a little tougher than I thought it was going to be. The items on there are not checked off that quickly because each time I'm running into a complication so things take twice as long. It's teaching me to be patient and take a long term view, but I think I already knew how to do that and really didn't need the lesson.

Having learned relaxation exercises does help me cut down on any stress I might feel because of this, so I'm not too aggrevated and manage to keep my head cool. I know everything will be resolved in the end. The end will just come a little later. I don't wish to feel stressed all day long and do take times out. There's a time to care and a time to relax. You can't have your bow pulled tight all the time, but I think that's a Dutch saying. 

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee instead of taking a nap. I thought it might be a good idea to have the caffeine and to last until tonight until I go to sleep. I'm thinking about stopping the sleeping pill. I've only got one left and it is of a very low dose. I will not get more and try to do without as of tomorrow. That does mean that I have to start doing without my afternoon nap. I've got to get off the sleeping pills sooner or later. 

It's been raining on and off since Sunday. Sometimes huge showers let enormous amounts of rain fall from the sky. Luckily, I haven't been caught in one of these yet. The dog and I have only gotten a little wet during our walks. It was impossible to see Venus transit in front of the sun. There were too many clouds. 

I hope you are all having a good day.


Sunday, June 03, 2012


It is an overcast and gloomy day here today but that doesn't mean I have to be gloomy myself. Far from it, I am in an excellent mood because I finally know what it means to accept myself and my life and the contents of it. My psychiatrist had suggested I accept it some years ago and I tried to do it then, but I really didn't understand then what it meant and couldn't do it. Now, as if by some miracle, I do and it feels as if a heavy load has fallen off my shoulders. 

It really isn't an effort to accept yourself and your life and the contents of it, but you have to understand what it means. Until the meaning becomes clear to you, it is an impossible task. It means the total acceptance of yourself and all the decsions you've made and the results of them. It means continuing on from there with a contented heart knowing you have chosen well and not doing a lot of wishful thinking. It means embracing yourself unconditionally and having peace with that and not being dependend on the opinions of other people.

At this point in my life, who I am and what I like and what I stand for has become pretty clear to me. I can without a doubt predict how I am going to feel about things and how I am going to react to them. I'm pretty much set in my way and don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about how I feel about things. My mind is pretty much all made up. There is a lot of comfort in that. I don't have to second guess myself and can trust myself to make the right decision. It will be the right decision for me. 

I have my likes and dislikes and my opinions and my definite comfort zone. I feel comfortable with them and don't feel that I have to step across those boundaries to accommodate anyone else. I feel I am entitled to them. I don't feel that I should go out of my way very far to make other people happy or comfortable. There's only so much time and energy I'm willing to invest. Most of it goes directly to me. And the animals, of course. If my daughter lived close to me, I'd be willing to invest a certain amount in her, but that's purely a hypothetical situation and not applicable here. 

I've made my own way these past twenty years and whatever I have achieved, I have achieved on my own. Well, I did have professional help and I'm grateful for that. There weren't a lot of other people along the way. If I were getting an Oscar, I wouldn't be thanking a host of them. My reward is that I get to live with myself and have a clear conscience.


Saturday, June 02, 2012

The weekend

I was sitting here minding my own business when I noticed that I was getting just a little bit stressed and I wondered why that was. I quickly realized it was because in my head I was making a list of things I had not gotten around to doing and that I absolutely could not forget. But then I also realized that this was the weekend and that I would have plenty of time to do them, so I started to relax again. 

It's just a matter of writing these things down on a piece of paper and breaking them down into simple steps. The smaller the steps, the easier the job and the less intimidated I will be. It's the fear of failure that always paralyzes me and that has to do with my drive for perfectionism. It's better if I name those less appealing characteristics so I won't be bothered by them so much. It's good to keep them in mind while I go about crossing off items on that yet to be made list.

I'm sitting here having a much appreciated cup of coffee. It's as good as I anticipated it would be. Since I'm off the tranquilizers, I don't have many befuddled moments anymore and I seldom have to drink the coffee to become sober minded. I do require it in the mornings to get my head together. I could not start functioning without the caffeine. I suppose that's how addicted I am to it. Like the joke goes: I don't have an identifiable personality without it. And I'm an unmovable, silent obstacle without caffeine. 

The Exfactor can testify to that. He is here some mornings when I'm just waking up and haven't had my coffee yet. He knows that I'm incapable of having a conversation until I've had that first cup. I sit there as if I'm dumb struck and I can hardly utter a word. I do completely turn around when the caffeine has hit my system and am full of kindness once that happens. I can talk about any subject then and make a completely coherent shopping list. 

Luckily, the scenario above doesn't happen a lot. I do try to be up on time when I know the Exfactor is coming. I very seldom oversleep. That must be why I like the weekends because it allows me that luxury, although I don't often take advantage of it. I must remember that I like the weekends for those times when I think I don't.