More than I was aiming for...

My post to entertain you all last night, turned somewhat introspective, no doubt because of the late hour and the intimate and cozy setting it was written in. Besides, when a person is only talking to herself without immediate feedback, it does give you a tendency to get deeper into a subject than might have been your intention and you have to call yourself back from those places that get too refelctive and do some editing once in a while. That means deleting large portions of self indulgant drivel.

Introspection is good, as long as I stay on this side of the line of reality. It's not good to see myself as a goodly earth mother, with ancient Saxon roots, who is connected to nature and all that lives in it and who lives in a hut in a meadow and brews potions to make all your ailments disappear, though it is a lovely thought. I need to be the real me in the real world and not fantasize lyrical about willow trees and cows in the meadow by the stream.

I've had that period in my life and was completely disconnected from reality, insulated from it, although I also think back on it with some amount of pleasure, but I can weep for the fog caught in the twisted oak trees and the moss on the forest floor and the deer that walked there through the dead leaves. There are bits of scar tissue in my heart from that.

Right, and now for something completely different. I am drinking more coffee again. Not as much as I was before, but more than the three cups I was drinking lately. I am now drinking about six cups a day and most of it in the morning. I don't know where this sudden desire came from, although it may have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the Senseo machine and the coffee tastes better now. I was drinking a bitter cup before that took the pleasure out of it. I'm also sleeping less and in more need of a pick me up in the morning and I do notice the difference. So, more coffee it is. Whether or not it is good for me. Experience will tell.

I guess you always have periods in your life when you are more sensible about yourself and when you are not. Last night I didn't get to sleep on time and I woke up relatively early this morning. I know I won't take a nap all day, because I've sworn those off and that leaves me no other choice but to go to bed on time tonight. I don't know how that affects the reality of my day, or better, how I experience it. I know it has a tendency to make me lazy and to not want to do anything that requires physical effort, although that's probably just the thing I should do. That would put a different slant on my day and my attitude. I can't always be living in my head and monitoring my emotions. Sometimes I have to step out of it and experience something else.

I slept on my elbow wrong and I can't bend my arm without having pain in my hand. Usually it disappears after I've been up for a while, but now it's hanging on stubbornly. That poor nerve must really be pinched. I wish I knew what to do about it, but I know of no exercise that can help it. I want to take something for the pain, but I don't know how that affects my other medicines, so I'm afraid to do it. I'm so happy when I feel good, that I'm afraid to add another pill to the mixture to upset the balance. Already I can't take the vitamin and mineral capsule, because it completely interferes with the working of my other medicines.

I have to go and do some household chores now. Tomorrow the domestic help comes and I have to have these things done before she gets here. That means I have to shut the computer off. By the way, I didn't even finish my third cup of coffee. I had enough of it.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Like I said...

Since it´s Saturday night and I have decided to stay up late, and I just declared in the post that I published that I would write another one immediately, I am sitting here quite contently with my glass of milk and my cigarette, with the greatest intention to entertain you all to the best of my ability and not be a grumpy old woman like I was earlier, or so I thought. I might be judging myself harshly, but I have high standards to live up to.

I make these standards up myself and I think I´m a good judge of them, seeing as though I´ve been an observer of myself for a long time and know all about what I can get up to and away with. Sometimes I have to call myself to order, especially if nobody else does. After many years of therapy you get wise about these things, and when you start to get into your right mind, all the pieces start to fit into place and you finally see the picture of what you look like. *Oh*, you say, *Is that what I look like? How interesting.* And it turns out that you like yourself! Never mind the pothole you hit a few hours earlier and that made you panic, when all you needed was a cup of coffee and food and a pause for your tired brain.

Yes, those fleeting feelings are a thing to get used to and trick you into thinking there´s a catastrophe around the corner. Your emotions want to take you on a marathon run to another mindset where there is no finish line. I know enough now not to go there, not to tag along with my running shoes on. I know to stay put in place and wait for everything to subside and for peace to return, as it inevitably will. You couldn't have explained that to me two weeks ago. I would have denied it the very existence of it.

You know how a willow tree stands by a stream for hundreds of years, deeply rooted and with it's branches always available to be cut for useful objects? And how gnarly it is and solid and always a fixture of the landscape, unmoving and yet alive? That's how I want to be, like that willow tree, solid and deeply rooted and pondering the things around me in deep silence, letting only the wind be my voice. And I would want to have cows grazing around me to share my existence with and lush grass at the edge of the stream and by my roots.

I was here to entertain you and instead I am waxing poetically and taking psychological dives. I can't help it, that's the way my mind is meandering right now. I've got springtime and butterflies in my head, even though it's dark outside and partly cloudy and only 14 degrees.

Tyke and I don't need to go out anymore. He gets to do his last piddle out back in the flower bed where only the winter blooming jasmine grows, on top of the leafmold that I put there all year round. I've cut back the jasmine, as it was putting out long runners after it bloomed. It's a very invasive bush and I'm not that happy with it. The flower bed is too small for it.

I'm absolutely not allowed to stay up for the night, otherwise I will have to lie about it to my psychiatrist, who does not want me to miss a night of sleep. He's afraid that I'll become hypomanic and although I like that state of being, I will not voluntarily call it upon myself, so in a little while I will take all my nighttime medicines and that ought to make me sleepy enough to go to bed. As a matter of fact, I will get my pajamas on in a little while also, so that I will be prepared to dive into bed at a moment's notice.

The only problem is that I don't feel like going to bed at all, because I'm enjoying the late night and I want this time to last a while longer. I'm completely insulated in my apartment with the heater on and my dog at my feet and the cozy lights on and it's all very comfortable. Why give up such moments as these? I am sure there are a lot of people out there now who are making the night last because they are having a good time, without being called hypomanic. I'm just doing it on my own, but I'd love to have some friends to share the night with.

Tyke is a very good watch dog, especially at night. He starts to bark at any suspicious sound he hears and he has quite a hard bark too. He sounds bigger than he is. Of course, I don't want him barking at midnight because of the neighbors, so I have to keep him quiet, but it does make me feel good that he is alert. I do jump out of my skin, though, when he suddenly barks very loud.

Okay, I'm going to take my medicines and put on my pajamas. It will be the beginning of the nighttime ritual.

Have a good night.

Ciao,
Nora

Neither here nor there...

An infinitesimal amount of people visited my blog today. I will not for one minute worry about being well known enough and start thinking of marketing strategies or popularity campaigns, though I'm sure that all such schemes exist. I've noticed that the most simple and insignificant blogs pull in the most followers and that long winded ramblers like me seldom get high up there in the ratings. There's too much to read and people just want something quick and not a treatise on life at my house. However, I always have much to say, and since it's my blog and I will keep saying it, I won't start worrying until the numbers start to really dwindle. Until I'm a lone voice in the desert.

I know that when I write a post about suicide attempts, or self harm, or a total nervous breakdown, with all the drama and tears to go with it, my readership suddenly goes up and I don't know why that is. So, I'm thinking that I must start making things up and have one of those events happen regularly and have lots of drama happen in my life, just as things are slowing down to a dull roar.

I also should post lots of pictures, because people seem to like them, so I'll have to start taking lot's of photographs of Tyke and the cats, which reminds me that I have to put batteries in my camera.

There, I took a bunch of pictures and then had to edit or delete them and locate them on the computer and stick them in a map where I could find them and it was all a little bit tiresome on a new computer. It didn't quite work the same way it did on my old computer, so I had to cheat a bit. A lot of my photographs are stored in Documents, because I could not get them into Images, and I had to store these in Documents also.

I just had to take my medicines and make myself a cup of coffee, because I had a complete sinking in moment. Suddenly life didn't seem all that wonderful and I hope to get over it quickly as soon as I've had my cup of coffee. I know, they are only fleeting feelings.

I bought a cigarette holder today that had a sticker on it that said, "Push here to open," and of course the first thing I did was remove the sticker, so now nobody will know how to open it but me. I also found an old watch with an adjustable metal band in my jewelry box and managed to get it off and attach it to the watch that was still working, but had a broken band. So, I solved that problem. Now the Exfactor doesn't need to go get a new battery for the other watch that stil has a band. The watch I have on is prettier and I bought it myself. It was one of my first purchases as a single woman.


I´m done writing this post now. I´m not all that satisfied with it, but I´m going to publish it anyway. Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don´t. think I started out feeling like a nut when I first began this one. You know what you do when you write an unsatisfactory post, don´t you? You immediately start writing another one. I have the feeling that I´m staying up late tonight. It is Saturday after all and I must have my wild night too.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday morning...

I seem to be averaging about 7.5 hours of sleep a night now and when I wake up, I feel good and not groggy and confused and in need of lots of coffee to get my act together. I'm pretty perky and ready to cuddle Tyke at first sight. He gets into bed with me and thinks we're going to settle down for some more sleep. I only leave him under that illusion for a short time.

The only thing I don't like, is that I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I have no idea what time it is, because of no functioning alarm clock, so I have to go into the living room to see what time it is. I'm trying to replace the battery in one of my watches now, but I can't get the back off, which is very frustrating and which I hope the Exfactor will do for me when he gets here this morning. I'm sure there's a trick to it that I don't know about. At least that way I will know what time it is in the middle of the night, but I do need to get a new alarm clock, unless I keep waking up a 5:30 am.

So, I get up and first I feed Tyke and the cats and give them their milk, and then I make myself a cup of coffee. Like a regular human being who functions normally from the moment she gets up. It's nice to know that this is possible too. Sleeping 12 hours and waking up from a comatose situation wasn't all that great either. It took me so long to get my brain in functioning order.

That was sleeping like a teenager does and you can't talk to them when they get up after sleeping so long. I know I was not coherent when I was a teenager and I got up in the weekends, called out of bed by my mother to come partake of our communal coffee hour. My mother could not comprehend that I was not able to have a conversation. She expected us to say "Goodmorning" in our most cheerful voices. I grunted in my pajamas. "Don't mumble so," she would say and I grunted, "Goodmorning," in a foul mood.

The Exfactor was here and didn't know how to get the back off the watch either, but knows of a cheap place where they can and is going to take it there for me next week. He is a handy man to have around to do these kinds of jobs for me. It means again that I don't have to go downtown to take care of it. I still do have to get a new watchband for my other watch, but there's no real rush. I can do that when I am back to my old self and casually ride my bike into town.

Oh, I rode my bike to my SPN's office yesterday, It had been many months since I had been on it and it took me a while to get used to it. I kept wanting to ride it into the gutter and over debris in the road and over the sidewalk. That was on the way over there. I did much better on the way back, because I sang a song to myself, as my SPN had suggested I do, and that way I was more relaxed. It's just a matter of getting used to it again and feeling comfortable with it, like riding a car, which you never forget how. I could get in a car now and drive away with it comfortably, although I have not driven one for 16 years. It would have to be an automatic, though, I would have a little bit more problems with a stick shift.

I just cleaned the Senseo coffee maker with a bottle of vinear. It had been so long since I had done it, that it only gave 3/4 of a cup instead of a full one and it made a lot of protesting noises while it did so. It moaned and groaned and grumbled and sounded like it was going to fall apart in 20 different pieces. It has stopped making those noises now and is making full cups of coffee again. It's no longer dangerous to stand in the vicinity of it.

Allez, I have to pay bills. I think my money is in the bank now and I have to pay the vet bill amongst other things. Then I have to go to the tobacconist because I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the weekend with my supply. It's drizzling outside and 14C, so that's not too bad, but not warm enough to turn off the heater and open the windows. It's very comfortable in here now. I don't like being stoic and cold.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Buddha himself...

Buddha himself couldn't have felt more at peace with the world than I do now and feel such inner happiness. Okay, I'm exaggerating. I'm sure I haven't quite reached those spiritual heights, but I do feel good. I'm quite contended with myself and the world I live in and there's not very much I could complain about right now and if I did, I'd be a fool. I realize that this is a mood and that like all moods it has a beginning and an ending, but I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. I don't want anyone coming along and messing with it.

My SPN and I went to the meeting with my contact person at Social Services today and the thumb screws weren't put on me to get me out there and get to work as quickly as possible, as a matter of fact, I'm now released from renewing my status as a work seeker every three months in order to keep my right to my monthly allowance. That means that nobody can force me to take a job or make me look for one, nor do I have to do any volunteer work. I'm completely released from that pressure. All I have to do is follow my therapy with my SPN, take my medication, see my psychiatrist and get better.

It was a good thing that my SPN was with me, because it gave a lot of clarity by her asking all the right questions and providing background information. I was overwhelmed by the conversation and had to digest it all when we left there, and then acted silly in the car to get rid of the tension. My SPN is so absolutely cool.

That's why I am in such an excellent mood, because I feel like the weight of the world has fallen off my shoulders and I can breathe freely again. A lot of my anxiety is gone. I'd been struggling with that portion of my life for a long time. I felt so very much beholden to the system.

Well, I'm sure I'll find something else to feel anxious about. It is after all in the nature of the beast, but it will not be continually, it will only be sometimes. That's another thing I'm learning. Feelings are temporary conditions, they come and go. You don't get stuck in them. They are very fleeting, and another thing I'm learning is that you always return to your center of gravity where there is rest and peace. You don't have to be all over the place, going from one emotion to another. Sometimes there is just wellbeing. A lot of times, maybe.

I've just had my third and last cup of coffee for today . It tasted very nice and was worth the long wait, but I must say that I did not crave it all day long. There was no great longing for caffeine. This new medication seems to take care of all sorts of cravings. It's a very soothing medicine. It makes you feel very calm. I've never had that happen with a medicine before.

I've got to go walk Tyke before it's completely dark outside.

Have a happy evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Two cups of coffee...

I was so exhausted yesterday evening. I sat here behind the computer and almost toppled over from tiredness. I tried to resist it, but ended up going to bed before it was 7 o'clock, I think. It was early, anyway. I had clean sheets on my bed, so it was wonderful to get in it, and I fell asleep almost instantly.

I left the bedroom door open, because I've found out that Tyke pretty much stays there anyway for most of the night and doesn't get into trouble in the rest of the apartment. He's right beside the bed when I wake up. That's good, because I prefer sleeping with the door open. I don't like to be in a room with the door closed.

I've got a bit of claustrophobia that I've learned to live with really well and I do see the need for closed doors. I mean, there are circumstances under which a door needs to be closed, but all the doors in the apartment are open and I even go to the bathroom with the door open so all the animals can go with me.

I woke up very early in the morning and had a glass of milk first for the thirst, but then realized that I really did need that cup of coffee to function well and get the last bit of sleep out of my mind. It did its job and I soon performed up to par, so a cup of coffee does have its uses. Then I took a long time deciding if I was going to have a second cup and finally decided that I would, but this will be my last one, because I'm more than fully awake now.

I remembered to get on the scale this morning and I have lost 3.5 kg since I have been on the new medication. So. if I want to get to the weight that's supposed to be perfect for me and my age, and that is reasonable, I have to lose 14 kg. I think that will happen automatically without me worrying about it. I'm not making any effort now and I'm not obsessed by it. I will remember to get on the scale every now and then and keep track of how I'm doing. I'm not going hungry, but have lost my appetite for food and am easily satisfied. The Nutella is taking care of my craving for something sweet to eat and it's nutritious too.

Drinking fruit juice makes me sad. I've had that suspicion for a while, but now I am sure of it. It seems like a strange theory, but it's true and I'm not going to drink it anymore, because I had clear proof of it yesterday. I drank a glass of it after I hadn't had it for a few days and was sad for a few hours afterwards. I didn't know how to undo it, but wait it out. It finally passed after I had something to eat and took my medicines. People can have an intolerance for food, but I wonder if that can also affect them emotionally. I have a feeling it can. I think wine makes me sad too.

I think it's because I feel so good now most of the time, that I notice it very quickly if I don't and can find the cause and effect quickly too. I think a lot of times emotions are nothing more than the chemical reactions that take place in your body and mind. Shortages and overdoses happen and your feelings are a result of that. Why else do we have alcoholic beverages and foods that are pleasurable and nicotine and drugs? We have pleasure centers in our brains with chemicals that make us feel good. If you have a shortage there, you're not going to feel so good and you'll eat a chocolate bar to feel better, or have a drink, or sniff cocaine or any number of things. In my case, some of those things make me feel bad. They have an adverse effect.

This morning, very early, I heard all the birds sing as they woke up. I could hear them clearly, because all the windows are open at the top and that really does make a difference. It's a shame that their chirping doesn't last longer, because it's so cheerful and I would love to live in a wood and hear all the birds wake up. I can't identify any bird by sound, except the mockingbird, and he doesn't live in this country. We used to have one in our front garden in Costa Mesa and I always liked listening to him.

I've taken my medicines a while ago and high time it was too, though I may be reacting to that second cup of coffee. Maybe I shouldn't have had it, not being used to so much caffeine now. It makes you jittery. It's much better to just stick to the one cup. These are lessons you learn as you go along. You realize what sort of junk you put in your body and how unnecessary that is. More is not better. If one cup works well, than two cups don't work better.

It's cloudy and 12C outside. It's only going to be 13C today, not as nice as yesterday, but still in the double digits. We must remain optimistic and I have the windows open and the heater turned off after all. Oh, I just looked at the 10 day forecast and it doesn't look very good at all. I will be closing the windows again and turning on the heater. Darn, that's a shame. March is not very willing. We'll have to wait until April for the good weather.

I'm going to take Tyke for a walk. He doesn't know that yet and is sound asleep here by my feet. He's already had his breakfast and is now digesting it.

Have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora