Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Well, shoot!

I'm not doing very well and I'm trying to find solutions to the problems I am facing. Now that my sister is back from Italy finally, I can do my grocery shopping with her again, so I don't have to face the horror of having to go to the store on my own. I'm going to see my SPN tomorrow on foot, because I think I will feel less vulnerable than when I go there by bike. I still have to walk the dog and sometimes that is difficult, but the poor animal has to go out, so I have to grit my teeth and bear it. I'm not getting the housework done, but spend a lot of my time sleeping and reading. At least I'm finishing some of my books that are so neatly lined up on the bookcase.

It's been hard to sit down and write a post, because I felt full of doom and gloom and didn't want to write about it, but today I got such a nice Christmas card from my daughter, that it cheered me up tremendously and I got a little bit of energy. As a result I downloaded the software to make a 2010 photo diary for myself and I had a good time picking out all the right photos. When I was done, I sent it off to the company that will print it and I should have it in about a week. I should have thought of this sooner, because I knew about it, but it had slipped my mind until just recently.

So many things keep slipping my mind, or briefly come to the foreground to only slip back into the dark recesses of my mind again. I have obligations that I can't keep, or think I can't keep, and I''m trying to figure out a way to deal with them. I feel that I can't let people down, and yet at the same time I don't know how to keep my promises. I must find a way to do this.

It's hard to be the victim of the foibles of your mind. When your mind dictates how you stand in life and how you feel and how you function or dysfunction. It's like your own mind is your enemy that you have to fight against, but it like fighting against a shadow and you can't land any real punches. Sometimes you pop up for air and you get a little bit of courage, but it's always pulling you down by your legs again, back under the surface where you can't see and breathe properly. It's such a tiring fight and it never seems to end, though it becomes awfully familiar and you say to yourself, "Oh yes, I know this, I have been here many times before." It's exhausting and I really don't want this anymore.

Yet something keeps me going. It must be the promise of better days, whenever they will come. It is unpredictable and I have no more of a clue than you do. It's the little glimmer of hope that sometimes shines through, even if it's smaller then a match struck in the darkest of nights. I find comfort in minuscule things. Sleeping, reading, eating, petting the dog. It can't be anything greater than that, because that would be too difficult. A greater action on my part would require too much effort.

Well, let's see how I get myself out of this pothole. I've got to manage one way or the other. If I can keep things somewhat under control I will be halfway there. I would like someone to come and take care of me so I could recuperate in my own time and not worry about anything for a while. That's the hard part about living alone. There's no one there to pick up the slack. I can't just take a week off. I'm finding it very difficult to live alone right now.

I have to go read blogs now. I'm a little behind in that. I do want to catch up. I hope I have the energy for it, because it's really getting to be bedtime, but it's something I want to do.

Have a nice evening.



Wisewebwoman said...

I thought you were on a downswing and you've confirmed it. However, this too shall pass as you know and the sun will peek out and the days get longer by about 2 minutes per day now and the moon is pulling us all into a form of madness, briefly.
don't be hard on yourself, be gentle. Housework always waits and sometimes the minimum maintenance has to do.
Is there something you can look forward to?
1000 hugs.

Babaloo said...

As WWW said, most things will wait. Your mind is not your enemy. Don't fight it, there is a reason you're feeling the way you do. Maybe just not an obvious one. Do something nice for yourself, like ordering that photo diary. I'm very interested to see what it's like when you get it.
Have courage, love!

Gail said...

I knew but had no proof. I have been thinking of you.

Maureen said...

I hope this passes soon and that someone will be there for you IRL. You know we are always here for you in the ether that is the internet, so at least writing it down, I hope, and our comments, help you some.

Yes, the days are slowly getting longer. Have you tried putting on some uplifting music? You used to write all about your music, but not lately. I know that cheers me up immensely and has a great effect on my mood.

Take care.

Frances said...

out and about - I remember the best attack on depression for you was to FORCE yourself out - what about your coffee-drinking friend? Can't you meet up and have a laugh with her? The last thing you need is to slip into the old cave-dwelling habits. If not, just cling on to that knowledge that the down will pass, an up will be on its way. Art can help, music can help but the best thing is company.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. The photo diary sounds wonderful. Are you able to upload your own photos to it? It would be brilliant to have a diary with photos of your own work in it. I'd love the www address as the Bear takes photos (well he should do. He has about 10 digital cameras!) I have also just got my own phone camera to work and managed to connect it to the computer. So I am up and running on that score (although that's the only score on which I am running). I hope to take some nice frosty photos soon.

But the difficulty as ever is getting out. I didn't go out for 5 days over Christmas and then on the 30th I was able due to seeing the lady who helps me get out. And then I didn't go out again until 4th when I saw my healer. So I am really struggling with this one myself at the moment.

I have to go out today to get shopping but it will probably take me hours to do it.

At least the snow here has cheered me up! We have had the first snow this winter - just an inch. But I love it!

Bearfriend xx