Tuesday, January 05, 2010
I'm not doing very well and I'm trying to find solutions to the problems I am facing. Now that my sister is back from Italy finally, I can do my grocery shopping with her again, so I don't have to face the horror of having to go to the store on my own. I'm going to see my SPN tomorrow on foot, because I think I will feel less vulnerable than when I go there by bike. I still have to walk the dog and sometimes that is difficult, but the poor animal has to go out, so I have to grit my teeth and bear it. I'm not getting the housework done, but spend a lot of my time sleeping and reading. At least I'm finishing some of my books that are so neatly lined up on the bookcase.
It's been hard to sit down and write a post, because I felt full of doom and gloom and didn't want to write about it, but today I got such a nice Christmas card from my daughter, that it cheered me up tremendously and I got a little bit of energy. As a result I downloaded the software to make a 2010 photo diary for myself and I had a good time picking out all the right photos. When I was done, I sent it off to the company that will print it and I should have it in about a week. I should have thought of this sooner, because I knew about it, but it had slipped my mind until just recently.
So many things keep slipping my mind, or briefly come to the foreground to only slip back into the dark recesses of my mind again. I have obligations that I can't keep, or think I can't keep, and I''m trying to figure out a way to deal with them. I feel that I can't let people down, and yet at the same time I don't know how to keep my promises. I must find a way to do this.
It's hard to be the victim of the foibles of your mind. When your mind dictates how you stand in life and how you feel and how you function or dysfunction. It's like your own mind is your enemy that you have to fight against, but it like fighting against a shadow and you can't land any real punches. Sometimes you pop up for air and you get a little bit of courage, but it's always pulling you down by your legs again, back under the surface where you can't see and breathe properly. It's such a tiring fight and it never seems to end, though it becomes awfully familiar and you say to yourself, "Oh yes, I know this, I have been here many times before." It's exhausting and I really don't want this anymore.
Yet something keeps me going. It must be the promise of better days, whenever they will come. It is unpredictable and I have no more of a clue than you do. It's the little glimmer of hope that sometimes shines through, even if it's smaller then a match struck in the darkest of nights. I find comfort in minuscule things. Sleeping, reading, eating, petting the dog. It can't be anything greater than that, because that would be too difficult. A greater action on my part would require too much effort.
Well, let's see how I get myself out of this pothole. I've got to manage one way or the other. If I can keep things somewhat under control I will be halfway there. I would like someone to come and take care of me so I could recuperate in my own time and not worry about anything for a while. That's the hard part about living alone. There's no one there to pick up the slack. I can't just take a week off. I'm finding it very difficult to live alone right now.
I have to go read blogs now. I'm a little behind in that. I do want to catch up. I hope I have the energy for it, because it's really getting to be bedtime, but it's something I want to do.
Have a nice evening.