Sunday, February 28, 2010

Midnight...


What better time to sit down and write a post than at midnight when everybody else has gone to bed and the neighborhood is silent and the world around me seems to be at peace? That is, my own little piece of the world. I'm well aware of the fact that the world at large is not at peace at all, but I don't want to depress myself by thinking about how much of this is actually true, so I'll skip over that whole discussion and stick to my own little corner of it. I feel quite helpless at the moment to do anything about the world's larger problems and conflicts. Well, I usually do. I find recycling hard enough to do.

I napped a lot today. This was to offset yesterday when I didn't nap as much and was busy doing chores and other important things. It was also to make up for that half a night of sleep I missed. I napped in the morning, the afternoon and the evening on the sofa with the TV on for company. I'm quite good at sleeping with the TV on and incorporate the sound into my dreams. Of course, it's not normal the amount of sleeping I do during the day. I seem to exist in a constant state of sleepiness, but I blame that on the medications and you all know my decision about those.

It seems to me that sometimes I am more than frank in my posts and afterwards it bothers me to no end that I was. I think there is such a thing as sharing too much of yourself and maybe sometimes I cross the line. I seem to get into a delirium and unload whatever is on my mind, however intimate my thoughts are. I don't delete these posts afterwards, because by then I have usually already received comments on them and it seems cowardly to pretend that I haven't written them. That's the danger of blogging like you write a diary. You put your thoughts out there and hope for the best, but I have yet to receive a nasty remark and I owe that to the kindness of my readers.

My own discomfort, though, does want me to moderate my words, but I know in the end that I will share my life with you again when I feel the need to unload, because I find that writing about it here is after all the best therapy. It helps me put my thoughts in order and get my priorities straight.

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In the meantime it is morning, because I had to go to sleep after I wrote all of the above. I'm having my first cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine. Definitely worthy of a repeat.

I seem to be filled with some amount of quiet despair and I have to try and find out where it comes from. I think it has to do with me going to quit my medications and the daunting task that is going to be, because I'm not at all naive enough to think it's going to be easy. I suppose what bothers me is that I have not had a chance to discuss this with my SPN and my psychiatrist and I won't be able to properly until March the 11th when I have an appointment with both of them together. I see my SPN before that, but only for a half hour appointment and I won't have much time to explain my point of view to her. That's always very frustrating.

I'm just thinking that I can send her an email explaining my take on things now, so that she will be prepared when she sees me on Tuesday. That may be a good idea, but even that fills me with a certain amount of dread, because how do you get such an idea across and sound sane and reasonable at the same time?

I've decided not to take the paracetamol with codeine anymore lest I get hooked on that. I was allowed to take it 4 times a day and was obediently popping those pills, but this morning I didn't take one. I will only take one if it is absolutely necessary and I don't think that it is right now. I won't take them just because I'm allowed to. I can just see me developing a problem with those pills. I did take all of my other medications and won't start reducing anything until I have properly discussed it with my psychiatrist. It's tempting to start now, but I won't do it.

I can breathe through my nose again and my throat is hardly sore. I'm really not coughing anymore, just occasionally, so I think I am much better. That antibiotic is working. As far as I'm concerned, I declare myself healed, though I will finish the antibiotic, of course.

Okay, I'm going to write that email now. I hope you all have a great day.

Ciao,
Nora





7 comments:

Wisewebwoman said...

Good for you, GSW, on following through.
A new dawn begins!
XO
WWW

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VioletSky said...

You have a very loyal and loving group of blog friends. We care about you no matter what you write and how you are feeling. It is easier to be supportive when we know what is going on with you - and I must say, most of my other friends are not nearly so forthcoming (which can sometimes be frustrating!)

Good idea about not taking the codeine - you should not need it that often and it really isn't good for you.

VioletSky said...

Oh dear, and here I was almost going to say you get no annoying spammers or unkind comments........

Babaloo said...

Good idea to leave out the codeine tablets. There is probably no need for them. And if you feel tired and exhausted because of not taking them today - who cares, it's Sunday! Have a lovely day of rest and watching the Olympics!

XXX

aims said...

Be prepared for a bit of a fight when it comes to the SPN and psychiatrist.

Stand your ground and tell them you don't consider this quality of life. Tell them you are prepared to go about it with care and gradually. Also that you will confer with them if anything untoward happens.

Remember - pharmaceuticals is a giant industry. Somebody has to make it that way!

Email me if you need to chat more about this my friend. It was hard - harder than hard - but oh so worth it!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Wow! You kicked that flu so quickly. You must have an amazing constitution. Esp with being a smoker.

Maybe you feel a little low worrying about what your SPN and psychiatrist are going to think about your reduction plan. That you may have to work hard to gain their support on this one?

Also of course it is a big change and any change can cause one to feel down - even good changes.

Bearfriend xx