Friday, May 29, 2009
Finally, at last...
Finally, after a day of mostly sleeping, I am beginning to feel like a human being again. My arms and legs are functioning and so is my brain and I can think straight without having my eyes fall shut. I slept in the morning and I slept in the afternoon, on the sofa, lest I became really confused and thought it was nighttime, and I must have really needed that sleep, because the earth could have moved and I wouldn't have noticed it.
I did go to creative therapy this morning, but once I was there, working on my sculpture, I realized that I really wanted to be home, sound asleep. Our creative therapist is still on vacation, so our head therapist was taking her place, which was opportune, because I could discuss my schedule with her right away. As she can see that I'm so tired a lot of the time, we've decided that I'm going to drop Thursday morning therapy and see if that will make a difference. I think that's a good idea, because that's the day I struggle with most.
I was home at 10 am and laid down on the sofa and was asleep in no time. I woke up at 12:30 to walk the dog and take my medicines and to see if I was sharp enough to keep my appointment with Von. Unfortunately, I had to cancel that and after I walked the dog and piddled around behind the computer for a little while, I went back to sleep on the sofa and slept for most of the afternoon.
Oh, I don't want this to be a litany on how much I slept. It's just that I'm so tired all the time. My therapist asked me if I was getting depressed, but I don't think I am. I'm not jumping up and down for joy, but I'm not stuck in a pothole either. My arms and my legs feel heavy, as if I have to drag them through life, but once I'm on my bike, I do pedal and move forward, at least as long as the pedals co-operate. I move slowly. I do everything in slow motion. And I lean to the left.
I did check my glucose levels three times and they were fine. I have started drinking a multi vitamin juice three times a day and I'm even eating some meat. I forgot to buy eggs, but I'm planning on eating those regularly.
A plane just flew in front of the sun and cast a shadow in the living room. That was a very neat effect. There is an airport close by, so the airplanes fly over low. I hardly notice them, except for just now.
It used to be that the sight of an airplane made me want to travel, but I don't have that itch anymore now. All I can think about is the high grade security checks and being packed in economy class like sardines and the long flight to the States, because that's were I usually fly to. I don't really want to do that anymore.
A car or a train gets me more excited. Trains especially, because I love the countryside they travel through. You get better views than if you travel by car on the freeway. On the motorway, as the English say. I do love sitting in a train and looking out the window at the things that go by. Cows and farms and villages, mostly. People waiting at the crossovers on their bikes. The odd glimpse of a deer that you get at the edge of a forest. Neat stuff.
I've loved trains since I was a little kid and we traveled a lot on them to go see my mother's family during the holidays. I don't remember ever disliking them, except for my mother's anxiety, that was so large, about missing a train or getting on the wrong one. Lord, that woman was just awful. As if it was so difficult back in those days to catch the right train. She never lost that capacity to worry while traveling, even by plane. As if she would get on the wrong plane!
I purposely never went to the airport when she had to leave after visiting me, because of her level of anxiety about getting there on time and getting to the right counter and having the right ticket and putting the luggage in the right place and on and on. People like that are very difficult to be around. They make your nerves stand on end. I am by nature not an anxious person, but my mother turned me into one for a long time. I found that out when I had kids of my own.
I don't actually know if I'm an anxious person now, because I take medication for it. I used to have enormous amounts of anxiety, overwhelming amounts of it, especially if I was responsible for other people. Now that I live on my own, that element has been removed from my life completely, but I still don't know. I used to have so much anxiety, that I ground my teeth at night and misaligned my teeth and my jaw and it dislocated completely one day, which was very scary and painful. I had to wear a splint and have all my molars rebuilt to fit properly and keep my jaw in place.
But I think I was made anxious by my mother, I don't think that I'm naturally an anxious person. I'm actually the opposite off. I actually have a laissez faire attitude about a lot of things and I remember being that way since I was a kid and being blamed for it. Later on in life being praised for it, because people saw it was an easier way to go through life.
I've been anxious again since my mother's death and I suppose it hasn't left me until I started on the medications and now that I'm living on my own. Sometimes I get anxious when I hear the outer door open and hear footsteps and I think it's the Exfactor coming home, but then I remember that he'll never and I'm relieved.
Well, I think that's enough of a long story, don't you think? I don't want to bore you with too much reading material. I have so many things to say, but there's always the next post to say them in.
Have a good evening. Take a deep breath and exhale slowly and count to ten and relax.