Tuesday, May 05, 2009
This is silly....
This is silly. I just wrote a post and now I feel like writing another one. It must be because I'm in such a good mood and want to convey that to the world and you are my willing and captive audience, but by all means, go read the other post too.
It may also be that I don't want to do another thing, but sit here behind the computer while it is chilly and gray outside and the dog lies snoring on his blanket and makes it sound so cozy in here. Several cats are laying around, curled up, sound asleep, and add to the coziness of the scene. We're looking like a scene out of a novel about a woman who lives with her dog and several cats in her cozy, though somewhat messy apartment. A painting should be made of this. The title should be, "Woman in Gray on a Rainy Afternoon." It will sell for millions and I will get a commission.
I wish I could write my own biography, but because I am not talented and objective enough, I wish for a very good writer to come along and through many interviews and long discussions, write it for me instead. I would so like to see the story of my life on paper and it wouldn't have to be the cleaned up version either. I would disclose all the skeletons in my closet and explain every move I made. It would be an exposure that would make Virginia Woolf proud, if she could know about it in the hereafter.
At one time I had the secret ambition to go on the stage, though by nature I am a shy person, but it appealed to me to put on a different persona and emote out of the feelings of that person and really put the drama and the comedy and the tragedy into it. I could imagine myself boldly stepping onto the stage and speaking my lines as if they were my own words and having those feelings as if they were my own and throwing all my passion into them.
Even though I am mostly a subdued person in real life, I still have that longing to emote and dramatize and to make life bigger than it is in reality and to put on a big show in which I say profound things and have much body language and grand gestures and a loud voice that fills the space I'm in. I wish to be like a diva and have all the attention focused on me, without becoming a spoiled brat.
I want to stand on a stage and have a large audience applaud me for a long time and shout and whistle and toss flowers at my feet and then go to my dressing room and have chocolates and champagne and admirers, both male and female, and be showered by accolades. What a heady thing that would be.
You see how I have this desire for attention and fame, while in my real life nothing even comes close. The only thing in which I stand out is the way I dress and that is an attention getter. It's my token gesture to what I really want.
Liv Ullman, Ingrid Bergman, Katherine Hepburn and Meryl Streep are my big role models. I would wish to be like them, so ultimately in control of my craft. Strong women who stride through life with big paces. Who command attention by their very personalities.
So, now you know about my secret wishes. There are probably more. The other night I had a dream about a man who I fell in love with. He came from Tibet and had a very good soul, because he was like a Buddhist monk and meditated often. There were other men in that dream. Western capitalistic men, but I chose him because of his inner peace. To me that means that I know the quality of the man I'm looking for. Well, I'm not actively looking, but if I run across him, I'll know.
I am very much attracted to Buddhism and meditating, but I don't know if I possess the qualities to do those things well. I may cheat and try to find shortcuts. It must be very difficult to sit quietly for one hour in one position and to not want to smoke a cigarette, but I think one day I will find a guru, someone who can take me by the hand and lead me through the process. I do want to have a Higher Experience, to go somewhere towards a Higher Being and be one with it. If only for a short time. Or repeated short times.
Now you know another secret. I am like the Book of the Apocalypse here. All will be known.
I have to walk the dog now. We're completely off schedule because of the rain, which hasn't really stopped for most of the day. Sometimes it's just a little more than a heavy mist and then it gets serious again. I think it has stopped now, so I must take the opportunity.