Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You asked for it...


It's raining outside. I was so busy taking my picture and trying to look my absolute best for it, that I hadn't noticed that it started raining. I don't mind, because I've been out for the day and all I have left to do is walk the dog and I can do that in between showers, or under an umbrella if it's not too bad. Well, I don't want the dog to get too wet, the poor thing. He will get all stinky, because it's time for a trim and a wash for him.

So, I was taking numerous pictures, with and without flash, smiling a lot or a little, frontal and from the side, anything to get a good one, but it is hard when you are middle aged and the camera shows all your faults so harshly. Then I had to upload them to the computer and edit and delete and I deleted a lot of them, didn't even give them a second thought. Gone with them, until I was left with four decent ones and had to make the choice between them. The one that was too cutesy didn't make it. And the one in which I looked sexy didn't either. That left two almost identical photos and I had to choose between the two and I think I picked the right one. My guts told me to go with it. So here it is:


I didn't realize I had such a crooked nose like an old crone, but that must come with age, as does the flabby under chin. Never look down when you're taking your own picture, I learned that lesson. You see I'm not wearing my glasses. I did that for the sake of vanity. I don't want to be photographed wearing my glasses, because they make my nose look big(ger).

I'll tell you what I was up to at my psychiatrist's office yesterday. I cried nearly the whole time I was there, because he put his finger on the sore spot, namely my extreme fear for new, and what I think are unsafe situations. It goes very deep, people. It's a fear that determines much of what I do and do not do in my life and restricts me quite a bit and makes me a solitary homebody, who does not seek the adventure that she would like to. And that knowledge makes me very sad and that is why I cried so much. I cried for the fear and I cried for the sadness.

It's good to say it out loud and to face it and to share it with other people, that that is a motivating factor in much what you do and do not do. To really face up to it and show yourself naked like that, exposed and ready for scrutiny. Of course, what you get is help and compassion, but you don't know that ahead of time. You just sit there and let it all pour out like you've never done before. Both my psychiatrist and my SPN were there and you have to realize how much I have to trust these people in order to let myself go like that.

It was a quite uplifting experience in that I felt a great deal of relief afterwards as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I don't feel so alone in this.

I saw my SPN today for half an hour and had a kind of debriefing. We're going to look at the other possibilities of what there is for me to do during the week when my creative therapies end. There are several things I can do and we're going to look at all of them.

To make this story a little bit lighter now, I will tell you that on the way home I stopped by the drugstore and bought Andrelon shampoo and conditioner for brown hair. It is for naturally brown hair as well as colored hair and it is henna based, whatever that means. I also bought myself a Gloria Vanderbilt eau de toilette. I had nothing good smelling left and I thought I deserved a nice cheap scent. I wanted an expensive one, but I couldn't afford it. Those were all behind locked up glass doors. I also went to the tobacco shop, were they failed to recognize me, and added my share of money to the expanding free market, so I've done my good deed for today. The shampoo and conditioner were 40% off, I keep getting good deals.

I can't wash my hair or take a shower or do the dishes, because the boiler isn't working and I'm waiting to hear from the repair man, but I think he has forgotten about me. I called the office, but got none the wiser, so I sit and wait. It's cold in here too, because the radiators aren't working.

Now I feel a huge nap coming on, so I better move to the sofa. That's is after I've eaten something. I have a whole role of biscuits and they taste mighty nice. I ought to have a cup of tea with them.

Alright, that's enough for today.

Ciao,
Nora

14 comments:

Wisewebwoman said...

You look lovely, my dear, the light of your eyes shows clearly the catharsis of yesterday.
I love your hair and the colour really suits you.
Henna is one of the best things for our aging hair, I use it all the time.
XO
WWW

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. I think you should have posted the one that looked sexy!!!!

I think reddish brown hair and blue eyes go very well together. I don't think anyone else seeing that photo will see the supposed "faults" at all. You are too hard on yourself. "Crooked nose"? I don't think so. And I'm surprised you think the glasses make your nose look longer - normally they actually have the opposite effect. I really do have a long nose (you don't!) and although I don't like wearing glasses, they certainly make my nose look much cuter!

You DO NOT look like an old crone!
You look lovely.

Everyone is scared of new situations to some extent. But I understand how it is to fear things so much that it is uncontrollable and the only way to deal with it is not to have new experiences at all. I'm glad your psy and SPN understand and that you trust them so much. Hopefully they'll be able to think out some ways of working on this.

Hope the repairman has been by now and sorted the boiler out.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Maggie May said...

That is really lovely and it suits you just as well as the natural colour.

I think we are all scared of new things really if we are honest. The old familiar things are tried & tested & give us comfort.

Have a good night X

Gail said...

Who is this super model? Great picture.

Isn't it like lifting a weight off when you finally realize what is bothering you? Now if I can figure my problem out that will be two people lighter.

pinklea said...

I like the brown hair very much! In fact, I have been toying with the idea of going (back to my natural) brown myself. I'm currently about twelve different colours, I think: light browns, dark browns, reddish browns, very blondes, darker blondes, and of course, some of that blasted gray! Anyway, you're inspiring me!

Good to know that you've got some very good heads helping you figure out how to deal with this fear that you've just identified. Sometimes I think that naming something tames it somewhat. And I hope that, between all of you, you'll soon discover at least one strategy that will work to alleviate your fear of new situations so that you can spread your wings and fly a little further.

Stacie said...

Hi Nora!! I love your hair and I think the picture is great!

I know about fear impeding oneself from setting out in new directions. I am a stay at home mom. i don't have to be... and I am not always the best at it.. Fear is a big hinderance to my getting out and getting a job with that big fancy degree I have. Just plain scared and comfortable enough here at home with the kids. Never in a million years would have thought it of myself but there it is.

softinthehead said...

Looking good Nora :)

Babaloo said...

I love the new colour, looks great!

Has the repair man still not been?! It's about time he shows up so you have hot water again. In this kind of weather you need to have hot water!

The Green Stone Woman said...

Stacie, my head function in life was always to be a mother. That's what I did, so I never had to go out in the big bad world and face my fears. I never had to make it out there. I'm ill prepared to do it now and too scared to do it. Raising my kids wasn't the easiest job, but I felt qualified for it somehow. The only expectations there were, were my own. I could make it as hard or as easy on myself as I wanted to.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Softinthehead, thanks for the compliment!

laurie said...

change is *hard.* hard hard hard.

i think you feel things more deeply than many of us, and let yourself explore your feelings, where we just stuff them.

if i were brave, i would quit my job and sell my house and pack up my husband and dogs and travel. do something like wisewebwoman, or YOU--go live in a different country. but that would be more change than i could handle.

so good for you for being more adventurous than you give yourself credit for, and for exploring your fears.

ps i like your hair. and i love the idea of "brave shoes." i need me a pair of those.

Cheryl said...

I think you look beautiful. It really captures you, your spirit, your being and I love it. The necklace is very nice too!

I'm glad you took that risk and shared your fears. I know how hard it is, but they are there to help, support and give you ideas and ways to move past our fears. I'm a lot like you when it comes to new things or moving out of my comfort zone. Baby steps is best. I'm glad they have some good ideas, but don't over do it or get overwhelmed.

Love the Sunflowers. Makes me think of Laura.
XOXOXO

Cheryl said...

I think you look beautiful. It really captures you, your spirit, your being and I love it. The necklace is very nice too!

I'm glad you took that risk and shared your fears. I know how hard it is, but they are there to help, support and give you ideas and ways to move past our fears. I'm a lot like you when it comes to new things or moving out of my comfort zone. Baby steps is best. I'm glad they have some good ideas, but don't over do it or get overwhelmed.

Love the Sunflowers. Makes me think of Laura.
XOXOXO

Maureen said...

Oh, I love your photo! And you do NOT have a crooked or large nose... I am constantly wearing my glasses down on my nose, trying to make it look shorter.

I do hope the boiler gets fixed soon!