Tuesday, November 10, 2009
You asked for it...
It's raining outside. I was so busy taking my picture and trying to look my absolute best for it, that I hadn't noticed that it started raining. I don't mind, because I've been out for the day and all I have left to do is walk the dog and I can do that in between showers, or under an umbrella if it's not too bad. Well, I don't want the dog to get too wet, the poor thing. He will get all stinky, because it's time for a trim and a wash for him.
So, I was taking numerous pictures, with and without flash, smiling a lot or a little, frontal and from the side, anything to get a good one, but it is hard when you are middle aged and the camera shows all your faults so harshly. Then I had to upload them to the computer and edit and delete and I deleted a lot of them, didn't even give them a second thought. Gone with them, until I was left with four decent ones and had to make the choice between them. The one that was too cutesy didn't make it. And the one in which I looked sexy didn't either. That left two almost identical photos and I had to choose between the two and I think I picked the right one. My guts told me to go with it. So here it is:
I didn't realize I had such a crooked nose like an old crone, but that must come with age, as does the flabby under chin. Never look down when you're taking your own picture, I learned that lesson. You see I'm not wearing my glasses. I did that for the sake of vanity. I don't want to be photographed wearing my glasses, because they make my nose look big(ger).
I'll tell you what I was up to at my psychiatrist's office yesterday. I cried nearly the whole time I was there, because he put his finger on the sore spot, namely my extreme fear for new, and what I think are unsafe situations. It goes very deep, people. It's a fear that determines much of what I do and do not do in my life and restricts me quite a bit and makes me a solitary homebody, who does not seek the adventure that she would like to. And that knowledge makes me very sad and that is why I cried so much. I cried for the fear and I cried for the sadness.
It's good to say it out loud and to face it and to share it with other people, that that is a motivating factor in much what you do and do not do. To really face up to it and show yourself naked like that, exposed and ready for scrutiny. Of course, what you get is help and compassion, but you don't know that ahead of time. You just sit there and let it all pour out like you've never done before. Both my psychiatrist and my SPN were there and you have to realize how much I have to trust these people in order to let myself go like that.
It was a quite uplifting experience in that I felt a great deal of relief afterwards as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I don't feel so alone in this.
I saw my SPN today for half an hour and had a kind of debriefing. We're going to look at the other possibilities of what there is for me to do during the week when my creative therapies end. There are several things I can do and we're going to look at all of them.
To make this story a little bit lighter now, I will tell you that on the way home I stopped by the drugstore and bought Andrelon shampoo and conditioner for brown hair. It is for naturally brown hair as well as colored hair and it is henna based, whatever that means. I also bought myself a Gloria Vanderbilt eau de toilette. I had nothing good smelling left and I thought I deserved a nice cheap scent. I wanted an expensive one, but I couldn't afford it. Those were all behind locked up glass doors. I also went to the tobacco shop, were they failed to recognize me, and added my share of money to the expanding free market, so I've done my good deed for today. The shampoo and conditioner were 40% off, I keep getting good deals.
I can't wash my hair or take a shower or do the dishes, because the boiler isn't working and I'm waiting to hear from the repair man, but I think he has forgotten about me. I called the office, but got none the wiser, so I sit and wait. It's cold in here too, because the radiators aren't working.
Now I feel a huge nap coming on, so I better move to the sofa. That's is after I've eaten something. I have a whole role of biscuits and they taste mighty nice. I ought to have a cup of tea with them.
Alright, that's enough for today.