Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Another one for posterity...

This afternoon, after I took the dog for a walk and took my noontime medications, I also took a sleeping pill and settled down on the sofa and took a nap of nearly three hours. It was wonderful and when I woke up, I felt all warm and fuzzy and sleepy headed, but contend. After I had been up for about ten minutes, there was a struggle between me and the force that wants me to feel self hatred and self contempt and loathing, but I cut it off at the pass and didn't give it any room to step over its boundaries and sent it back to where it came from, into the deep dark recesses of my soul. Every time it rears its ugly head, I will continue to do this, until it gets tired of showing up and sees it is futile to.

The Exfactor was here this morning, after I came back from my SPN, and he had brought a clear plastic cat flap that he screwed in place over the cat door opening, because Toby had broken the one that was there last winter when it had gotten frozen shut. The problem is that the cats are used to there just being an opening and they can't seem to get used to this cat flap. They eye it with much suspicion and haven't gone out yet. It's a little bit thicker and heavier than what used to be there, which is good for the draft, but the cats seem to think it is unmovable and I may have to help them through it the first couple of times. Those daft cats! They're normally so smart. I can't believe they can't figure this one out.

When I went to see my SPN this morning, I didn't really have a clear subject in my head that I wanted to discuss, except for the panic attack on Friday. I think I very often live in denial, because how could I not want to discuss those episodes of self hatred and self contempt and loathing? Yet I approached them as if they were a side issue and not the most important one, but once I started talking about them, a whole barrage of grief came pouring out of me and I cried something awful and smeared my make up all over my face.

It all has to do with my childhood and the awful messages I got about myself and everything I did, and how I heard them constantly and started to believe them, and internalized them and made them mine, so they became a belief system in my own head that I've carried with me my whole life. And although I say the opposite, deep down inside I believe those messages still and every once in a while, when I am vulnerable, they get the upper hand and I start believing them very much, to the point that I want to self destruct.

Now that I know this, and who is behind it, I know who my enemy is and who I am fighting. Now I can do something about it and at the very moment those thoughts start popping up in my mind, I can crush them with all my might and send them back to where they came from. I dispel them completely and take the truth out of them. Of course, subconsciously, I have believed these things always and have been fighting them all along, I have just not been so aware of it, but I know that its true and that it lies in my nature to think this way about myself. I just have a big mouth and outshout them a lot of times, but I didn't always have a big mouth and I had to overcome a lot of insecurities.

I won't share with you the journey I had to make to become a human being. It is too long and arduous. I will tell you that I started out with almost nothing and a lot in the negative balance and that I had to work my way up from scratch. That's enough.

I mustn't become bitter. I must look at where I am now and what I have achieved. I'll be damned if I am going to let a ghost that haunts me take that away from me.

Okay, that's enough of that! I will end on a positive note. The church bells are ringing and that is good. That's always a joyful sound. I must go and walk the dog again and eat some dinner. Then I'm going to wait for the 8 pm news to come on and see what sort of hideous things my government has come up with to fight the economic crisis. Something's rotten in Denmark.

Have a good evening.



VioletSky said...

What I have gleaned from what you have shared is that "you have come a long way, baby". Keep reminding these ghosts and demons that they are too ugly for your life.

If making these a side issue, and therefore slightly more approachable to discuss, then have a dinner of side dishes when you go to your SPN and let her sort it out which to devour first.

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Glad you were able to get some sleep after seeing your SPN.

Those things from childhood are so difficult to deal with. It's very frustrating that that stuff is buried so deep inside us. We can know rationally that those things we were told aren't true but it's much more difficult to stop *feeling* that they're true. But I believe it can be done over time with regular effort. But that in itself sucks (as the Americans say), that you have to try so hard to overcome that sh*t implanted so long ago.

But this is what so many of us are dealing with - me too. It's the work of a whole life time - although occasionally a person can suddenly cast aside the past. Wonderful when that happens.

I hope some day to just completely kick the sh*t out! I didn't mention before that I have some bright fushia pink cowboy boots did I?! They might just do the job.

And I know you'll continue to fight it in whatever way suits you best. You have a lot of knowledge about yourself and how to cope with these things.

I hope you're able to get some sleep tonight - you might even be asleep already!

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Maggie May said...

Every time you learn a little more about what it is that is making you ill, you are able to shout the demons away. The echoes of the past try to drag us all down at times.
You sound as though you have an excellent SPN.

Hope you sleep well tonight.X

Grit said...

you are a strong lady, and i for one am so glad you have a big outshouting mouth.x

Gail said...

I will give you a tip that someone taught me to deal with pain.

Close you eyes and envision a red string, now gather all the pain into a wad and tie the string around it in a slip knot. Slowly draw the string tighter, allowing nothing to escape. Draw the string tighter until you have a tiny circle with all the pain caught inside that circle. Now, quick, pull it completely closed and as the circle disappears so does the pain with it!

They probably got paid $175 an hour to tell me that.

Gail said...

I can't hush, that is my main problem.

You know you have already escaped the bonds of your childhood. You demonstrate that each day when you do not have these feelings of self hate.

Don't give these people that power over you. In a strange way, it honors them and you do not want to honor them.

I will shut up now.

You did good, girl.