Friday, September 11, 2009
Yesterday afternoon I went to see my psychiatrist. I am having a problem that I can't discuss with any of you at the moment. I don't mean to be secretive, but it is something that maybe I will talk about at a later time. I called my psychiatrist quite unexpectedly and he was kind enough to see me at very short notice. I rode my bicycle over there in a rush and was quite out of breath when I got there. He saw me right away and we had a somewhat productive talk and he explained some things to me that will help me approach my problem from a different angle than I was looking at it. He also temporarily increased my anti psychotic medication and he is going to call me tomorrow to see how I am.
What an unsatisfactory paragraph that is. I was not going to write a post at all and just leave you all in the dark as to my current situation, but then I thought that was not right either. I do want to give you an inkling as to what is going on in my life, however little that is, the inkling, I mean. I know you are used to me discussing anything at all on this blog, but sometimes I have to choose for discretion and keep things to myself.
It's early in the morning now and I have been up for a while, but you do know how I like these early morning hours to be awake in and to sit here behind the computer with my cigarettes and my cup of coffee. They are almost scared times that I know will not be interrupted by anyone or anything, except the dog who needs to go out for a piddle and the cats who want a drink of water from the faucet. They do like to keep my life somewhat interesting and all is fine, as long as I guess right as to what they want.
I am sleeping a lot at the moment, well not in the wee hours of the morning, obviously. I slept on the sofa yesterday morning until 1 pm. It was so necessary and when I woke up, I felt that I could have slept the rest of the afternoon too. Maybe that would have been a solution, but doubtlessly I would have been up all night. In the evening I slept on the sofa too. I had the television on, but have no idea what programs were on and woke up at 11 pm and went straight to bed after I took my medicines. Secret History is being read several pages at the time. It will be a while before I'm done with it, unless I start to read during the day and I still haven't gotten around to that yet.
I did start a drawing at home. I just happened to have the right sheet of paper and the correct fine tipped pen and sat down by the dining table and drew a rectangle and got started. I've just about got the bottom third done. When I couldn't concentrate anymore, I stopped and put it aside and I will continue with it when I am inspired again. Maybe that will be later today, because this morning I have creative therapy and this afternoon I'm meeting Von downtown.
I am looking forward to creative therapy, because I will be working on my second painting again and I am very much in the mood for that. The one thing you can always count on is yourself and your own capacity to give shape to your imagination. It does not depend on anyone else. You can be in your own world with your brushes and paints and your own thoughts and nobody else needs to intrude on that. It's like you're in your own dimension with its own sound and vision and you can tune out what's around you and be deaf and dumb and blind to it.
The thing to do is, to act like you are present, and you are with your body, but to be somewhere else with your mind, on some other plane where nobody can follow you and where someone else will be lost in the dark, but where it isn't dark to you. There is bright starlight there for you to see by, and distant suns, and you can function there and create and think and capture all your muses. That's the place of the Einzelgänger, which in the end I am.
So, everything comes full circle. We end up at the beginning when a human being is a single solitary inwardly turned creature. Unfathomable to those around her. Unable to communicate, alone with her thoughts, crying in the night, keeping her ego hidden from view. Being secretive to those who should most understand her. Not wanting to be enfolded by suffocating arms.
Right, That's all I had to say then. I must go off and be creative somewhere else now. Here and here.
I hope you will all have a good day and that you will not get bogged down in the details.