Friday, September 11, 2009


Yesterday afternoon I went to see my psychiatrist. I am having a problem that I can't discuss with any of you at the moment. I don't mean to be secretive, but it is something that maybe I will talk about at a later time. I called my psychiatrist quite unexpectedly and he was kind enough to see me at very short notice. I rode my bicycle over there in a rush and was quite out of breath when I got there. He saw me right away and we had a somewhat productive talk and he explained some things to me that will help me approach my problem from a different angle than I was looking at it. He also temporarily increased my anti psychotic medication and he is going to call me tomorrow to see how I am.

What an unsatisfactory paragraph that is. I was not going to write a post at all and just leave you all in the dark as to my current situation, but then I thought that was not right either. I do want to give you an inkling as to what is going on in my life, however little that is, the inkling, I mean. I know you are used to me discussing anything at all on this blog, but sometimes I have to choose for discretion and keep things to myself.

It's early in the morning now and I have been up for a while, but you do know how I like these early morning hours to be awake in and to sit here behind the computer with my cigarettes and my cup of coffee. They are almost scared times that I know will not be interrupted by anyone or anything, except the dog who needs to go out for a piddle and the cats who want a drink of water from the faucet. They do like to keep my life somewhat interesting and all is fine, as long as I guess right as to what they want.

I am sleeping a lot at the moment, well not in the wee hours of the morning, obviously. I slept on the sofa yesterday morning until 1 pm. It was so necessary and when I woke up, I felt that I could have slept the rest of the afternoon too. Maybe that would have been a solution, but doubtlessly I would have been up all night. In the evening I slept on the sofa too. I had the television on, but have no idea what programs were on and woke up at 11 pm and went straight to bed after I took my medicines. Secret History is being read several pages at the time. It will be a while before I'm done with it, unless I start to read during the day and I still haven't gotten around to that yet.

I did start a drawing at home. I just happened to have the right sheet of paper and the correct fine tipped pen and sat down by the dining table and drew a rectangle and got started. I've just about got the bottom third done. When I couldn't concentrate anymore, I stopped and put it aside and I will continue with it when I am inspired again. Maybe that will be later today, because this morning I have creative therapy and this afternoon I'm meeting Von downtown.

I am looking forward to creative therapy, because I will be working on my second painting again and I am very much in the mood for that. The one thing you can always count on is yourself and your own capacity to give shape to your imagination. It does not depend on anyone else. You can be in your own world with your brushes and paints and your own thoughts and nobody else needs to intrude on that. It's like you're in your own dimension with its own sound and vision and you can tune out what's around you and be deaf and dumb and blind to it.

The thing to do is, to act like you are present, and you are with your body, but to be somewhere else with your mind, on some other plane where nobody can follow you and where someone else will be lost in the dark, but where it isn't dark to you. There is bright starlight there for you to see by, and distant suns, and you can function there and create and think and capture all your muses. That's the place of the Einzelgänger, which in the end I am.

So, everything comes full circle. We end up at the beginning when a human being is a single solitary inwardly turned creature. Unfathomable to those around her. Unable to communicate, alone with her thoughts, crying in the night, keeping her ego hidden from view. Being secretive to those who should most understand her. Not wanting to be enfolded by suffocating arms.

Right, That's all I had to say then. I must go off and be creative somewhere else now. Here and here.

I hope you will all have a good day and that you will not get bogged down in the details.



Lisa Sarsfield said...

I have full confidence in your ability to work through these things that have been bothering you. The human mind is a hugely complicated thing and I am sure we never fully understand it, we are just fortunate when we find ourself in places we are comfortable with.

Good luck with the drawing, I hope inspiration flows freely!

Maggie May said...

Hope you manage to get this problem sorted out fast! Though I guess real problems are always slower to remedy, mores the pity!

The drawing sounds intriguing. Hope it goes to plan!

VioletSky said...

I hope your creative therapy goes well for you today. And that you get to a place that is comfortable for you to get through this latest problem. You shouldn't ever feel you need to share everything, but it is a comfort to see you writing each day.

softinthehead said...

Irene I hope that wasn't a Freudian slip "sacred" hours of the early morning not "scared". Enjoy your day painting and visiting with your friend. I hope things work out for you :)

Gail said...

Is this your new marvelous painting posted to the right?

FlowerLady said...

Wishing you well Irene. May your drawing flow freely from you. May you have peace surrounding and flowing through you.


John said...

Belated birthday...take care.... I miss summertime when the living was easy. Shit, I swear fish were jumping and the cotton sun dreses were high.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Flower Lady - Thank you for all your kindnesses.

Babaloo said...

Hope that you can work out whatever problem it is you're having at the moment. And, no, you don't need to tell us everything. Although of course we're all nosy creatures and would like to know everything, all the time. ;-)

Have a good weekend, Irene, and may the sun shine for you!

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Irene.

I'm glad you're able to draw the line on what is to be public and what needs to be kept private. "Boundaries" as the mental health workers call them. I think you have a very wise approach.

I loved looking at the photographs of you and your friends on the other site. And the sculptures and paintings. The place you live seems very picturesque. Preferred having your photo on the blog rather than the painting. I liked looking at your face because it's somehow very reassuring and seemed to portray your character very well.

Yes, the creative artist is the loner (I looked up Einzelganger!). The process you describe is very much like the experience of oneness, being in flow, typical of artists, which is the experience I miss so much - my creative being hasn't been able to function for a very long time now.

It seems like you need to isolate or protect yourself a little bit from the world right now - perhaps until you have dealt with whatever you are dealing with.

Wishing you strength and happiness,
Bearfriend xx

Frances said...

hugs to you dear one
look after yourself. Glad to hear you are reaching out for help.
Have a good weekend. Hope you had a lovely time with Von.
extra hugs