Melancholy...

I slept well last night. I fell asleep at eleven o'clock and didn't wake up until the alarm clock went off at seven this morning. It felt so good to have slept so well. I was very much rested and I noticed the difference when I got up. There was a bounce in my step when I walked to the kitchen to get my cup of coffee and I needed only one to get going. I was functioning well before eight o'clock and ready to take the dog for his walk.

It was cool outside and overcast and there was a bit of a cold wind blowing, but I like that, so I was quite happy with the turn in the weather. It feels good when the exposed parts of my body get just a bit colder than they ought to and it's nice to be inside again. You appreciate the relative warmth of being inside. I had bare legs, while I should have worn leggings, but I was too much of an optimist and thought it might become warmer. It never really did, though.

After I'd made myself a pack of cigarettes, I got on my bike and rode to the clinic for my first creative class on Wednesdays. I was quite excited about going, which is an amazing thing, because I haven't gotten over my melancholy yet and am as deep into it as I was yesterday. Still, the anticipation of doing some new things artistically was enough to make me peddle my bike quickly and I was there in five minutes time.

I sat on the deck with a cup of espresso, catching all the wind that blew and feeling just a bit cold in my short leather jacket. It was nice, though, and such a relief from feeling too hot in the Indian summer sun that had been shining. There were only a few people out there at first and the stragglers came out at the last minute and all complained about the cold. Nobody was properly dressed for that kind of weather yet. We've all got summer on our minds still.

When the class started, I got all the colored inks out and a large sheet of paper and a large piece of cardboard to tape the paper on. Then I splattered different colors ink on the paper and tilted it upwards to make the ink run downwards. This made it look like blobs with long stems on them that went all the way to the bottom on the sheet of paper. Then I made abstract looking flowers of the blobs with the same colors ink and then with green ink painted lots of green grass upward toward the flowers. Next I got a pen and dipped it in ink that was a shade darker than the colors of the flowers a drew the outlines and the heart of them.

It turned out pretty well, especially since it was the first time that I had tried this and I'm going to do this again next week, now that I know how it works and what to watch out for. I know how to paint the grass better, for instance, and how to paint the flowers better, but all in all I'm happy with the outcome.

I also tried this process on wet paper, but it turned into a fiasco. At first it looked good, but applying multiple colors soon turned it into a blackish mess that I had to throw away. I did make a small version of the first painting on shiny paper to see what the effect would be and it turned out okay, but the ink dried in a much lighter shade and it didn't dry as well and bled at the bottom. It was easier to paint the grass.

Well, that's how I learn things and now I can't wait to buy a set of colored inks of my own and start experimenting at home. The inks are all water soluble and fun to work with. You do get them all over your hands and arms, at least I do, and I make a right mess of it.

I had to go see my SPN straight after class and I rode my bike over there. It was only a fifteen minute ride at most. I had to wait for some traffic signals, or I would have been there sooner. I always try to read the magazines in the waiting room, but I never have my reading glasses with me, so I only read the headlines and look at the pictures of whatever style rooms are supposed to be decorated in now.

I told my SPN that I had lowered the dose of my anti psychotics and she asked me what we should be aware of if things went wrong because of it, and I said that I would become suspicious and see a murderer behind every tree. She asked me how she would find out about that and I said that I would tell her about it.

I also told her I was melancholy, but that I was not really depressed and that I was also not really unhappy, but that I wanted to be safe and secure and that I felt a great need to take extra care of myself. She asked me how I did that and I said, by taking on as few challenges as I possibly could. I told her that it was only a temporary condition and that it was not going to last forever and that I didn't think it would get worse.

She noticed I was withdrawn within myself, and it is true, I was not easy to reach and our session only lasted a short time, because I was unable to share very much, but that is just the condition of me right now and it is really nothing to worry about. I feel I need to rely on my own resources and be my own advisor and my own guide. I have to help myself through this stage. Nobody else can come in here and do it. I can only make them aware of it.

It's good to be home again with the animals. I'm going to have to put on some more clothes, though. A pair of leggings, at least, and maybe some sock and boots. It will be nice and warm.

Have a great day, or what's left of it. Unless it's still ahead of you, that's possible too, of course.

Ciao,
Nora