I needed the cup of coffee I had so much. I was near suicidal until I drank it. I knew not to pay attention to my feelings of desperation until I had had my shot of caffeine. All I had to do was be patient. I am drinking my second cup now and no longer want to be dead. The feelings of self loathing are gone. I do wonder why I have to go through this process, though. If I were caught unawares, I would not make the coffee and do myself in. That's how bad it gets.
I had to reduce the dose of antipsychotics today because they are downers and they were making me feel down since I reduced the dose of anti-depressants, which are uppers. And so I play the game of musical chairs with my medicines and keep adjusting the doses. This is what frustrates me about taking medicines and why I want to get off them eventually, but if I keep reducing them, I will sooner or later. I was not a happy camper today and accomplished very little, but then again, who is keeping track?
Things irritated me today and I had no patience for anything except Tyke and Gandhi who are innocent of everything. The same energy company called me three times to try and get me to switch over to them no matter how angry I got at them for calling me. I threatened to report them if they called me again. It shouldn't have happened, but that did the job. I had a fatalistic approach to everything and wanted to lie down on the sofa and not get up again. It was the fact that I had to take Tyke for his walks that saved me from doom.
I am sure I will feel better by tomorrow when there will be light at the end of the tunnel again. Or the tunnel will turn out to be a lot shorter than it looks now. It's a bitch to wait for the chemicals to be in balance again because that's all that's really the matter. In the meantime, I feel like eating a box of bonbons. I crave chocolate when I am down in the dumps. Oh, that reminds me that I can make a mug of hot chocolate. How very interesting!