I finally have to admit to myself that I no longer am a morning person like I have been for a long time. I have now returned to the person I used to be most of my life and am hopeless in the morning. It takes my brain a long time to start functioning properly even though I drink numerous cups of coffee and I take my doses of medication when I get up. I am incapable of doing anything important like cleaning up the kitchen or washing a load of laundry. I sit in my armchair like a zombie and can't even have a proper conversation should anyone drop by. I even lie down on the sofa and take naps.
I suppose the big reduction in my anti-depressants recently has finally caught up with me and this is how I really am. I am not bright eyed and bushytailed before noontime. That was an artificially induced condition and now my true nature is making itself known. It is quite a surprise to me and has taken me completely unawares. I have to get used to it and adapt my whole attitude and way of living. This means that I will no longer make appointments early in the day like I always did. I am not in any kind of shape to allow myself to do that in the morning.
I have to forget about being the early bird that catches the worm and also start thinking about staying in bed longer to make sure that I have slept long enough. I think that is one of the mistakes that I have been making. I was so used to very optimistically jumping out of bed, ready to start the day. It sure as heck is not like that anymore. I walk around in a daze now, almost unable to make a pot of coffee and am draped over the kitchen counter waiting for it to be done brewing. I think the coffee makes me feel better, but it is just a false sense of security, because very soon after drinking it, I collapse like a soufflé.
I am mentally such a mess that I can't take on any sort of responsibility. I am barely able to walk Tyke and feed him and Gandhi. And those are the easy duties. Forget about doing anything more complicated than that. It is a good thing that I am not taking care of children at this point in my life. They would suffer from neglect until I emotionally came to the surface. But then again, I would do a terrific job once I did. Even at my age.