Friday, January 24, 2014

When you feel the way I do...

The first mindfulness training that I went to last night, turned out to be a popcorn fart and should have been called: "Mindfulness for Dummies." Actually, it was an insult to my intelligence and I left halfway through because I could not stand to listen to any more of the drivel that was spouted. It was too bad that there were people there with real issues and I hope they will be helped by going through this training and will not have an allergic reaction to it like I did. It certainly did not live up to the expectations that I had of it. In fact, it didn't even come close, but that is all I will say about it because it is an ongoing training and I don't want to spoil it for other people.
On top of that, my mood has been playing havoc with me and I am now in a depressed state of mind. This is due to the fact that I decreased my dose of anti-depressants too much and it has been increased again yesterday. Of course, it is going to take a while before I notice the benefits of that and I am going to have to be patient in the meantime. The only time I have relief is in the afternoon when the dark clouds magically lift and I almost feel like my old self. This lasts for a couple of hours and it is nice to feel like that for at least a little while. That does give me hope for better times to come.
Sometimes I feel very bad and I want God to instantly strike me dead with a bolt of lightening. Or I wish for a suicide pill that I can take so I will be instantly dead without suffering. I know what I have to do then is make a pot of coffee and drink a cup. Once I do that I feel much better as a rule, but the relatively short time that I have to wait for the coffee to get done is torturous. The self hatred I feel is indescribable and I would not wish it on anybody. No one should dislike themselves that much.
Keeping in mind that it is all a chemical imbalance does not help much when I feel at my lowest, because I have a tendency to forget that at that point. I am not reasonable and thinking logically when I am ultimately depressed. I am glad enough that I instinctively know that I need a cup of coffee or two to get me out of that incredibly deep hole. Something inside of me still wants to survive and that is what I owe my life to. Besides, it is more difficult to stop living than it is to stay alive. Staying alive is something you automatically do. You have to make a real effort to stop living.
I have a sore throat and hope I am not coming down with that flu that everybody else has. I rode my bike in the pouring rain last night and got soaked. I am glad that it is Friday and that the weekend is around the corner because I am more than ready for it. For some reason I think it will be easier than this past week was. I do keep having an optimistic spark somewhere deep down inside of me, but then again, I have had two cups of coffee.

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