Thursday, January 09, 2014

The broken hearted...

I have, of course, been hypomanic off and on for the past week or so, at least ever since I started reducing the anti-depressants. I was, up to a point, in denial about this, but I had to admit it was true when my psychiatrist mentioned it yesterday. He had been able to tell by the nature of my emails to him. Reducing medication can cause mood swings and that is exactly what was happening with me. Things reached a pitch Tuesday afternoon when my mind as well as my body completely went into overdrive and I had to take a tranquilizer in order to settle down a bit. I now, after the fact, understand better what was going on then. I will hopefully settle sown to a dull roar now, because I can claim to not be in an excited state of mind while I still am. It's an odd disorder, bipolarity.
I found out, quite by chance yesterday evening, that the man I loved most in my life died in March of last year. I had over the past few years lost contact with him and I wondered every day where he was and how he was. Now I have my final answer and it came as a shock. I found the Facebook page of his late ex wife and was able to download a lot of photos of him and I am happy with them. I have photos of him in albums from the time we lived together 20 years ago, but none that were taken so recently. I was so broken hearted when I left him behind and it took many years for that heart to heal. It was one of the main causes for my total mental breakdown.
Timing is everything in life and it is serendipitous that I should find out the news about his death exactly now when I am dealing with all the things that happened 20 and then some years ago. When they say that a little girl grows up and finds a man who reminds her of her father, then that was true in this case. I had a very similar loving and playful relationship with this man as I did with my dad. The only problem was, that he would not even make the tiniest commitment to me and I felt very insecure. Now that I look back on that as a more mature woman, I don't understand what my problem was because that is exactly the kind of relationship I would want today. I threw away a lot by demanding security and I nearly destroyed myself in the process.
Well, I am rectifying all of that now, of course, and I will this terribly large issue also. It will be the first thing I will talk about when I see my psychiatrist next.
Tyke woke me up because he very urgently wanted to eat. It could now wait one minute longer and you would have thought that he had been starved. Gandhi's dish was also empty and she acted equally hungry. Those poor animals have such a tough life with me. Luckily, the Exfactor had done the grocery shopping and we are well supplied. God forbid there should not be enough food in the apartment.  


Wisewebwoman said...

I'm sure your animals sing your praises to the skies :)

I had suspected something of your writings in the last while. So glad you are on top of it along with your team.


Rob-bear said...

As I don't get to read your blog every day, I miss part of the "unfolding" of your life. So there are things that I miss; sometimes subtle, and sometimes not too subtle. But I miss them.

In my own life I find that reducing medication can lead to unpredictable mood swings and other unwelcome effects. I tend to be more careful with my medications than I have been in the past. Yet i find my overall mood is darker — perhaps because of the cold this winter. I nonetheless keep moving, as do you!

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Z said...

It's so fortunate that your psychiatrist knows you well and that you trust him to accept what he says. A friend of mine who is bipolar used to live in the Netherlands and she got nowhere near the support she needed. On a visit to England, she had a complete breakdown and it's taken a long time and much support for her to be able to live independently again. She's in England permanently now as she's had so much help here.

Betty Bishop said...

I was afraid for you too Irene. But in the end you did the right and wise thing - for you and yours. I am very glad you have a doctor you respect and who seems to understand you well. One foot in front of the other my dear.

Maggie May said...

Oh Irene....... I'm so sorry about you hearing about this loved man's death. Also to hear that you're struggling with this illness that you are so stoically going through.
Makes me feel so helpless to read about it.
Glad you are seeing the doctor very soon and hope things will improve.
Luv & hugs,
Maggie x

Nuts in May