Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Look, up in the sky

After I fell into that depression last week, I haven't really gotten back to "normal" yet. I act more cheerful than I really feel, with the idea that I have to fake it until I make it. I think that way I keep the upper hand on the situation and what I behave like now, will become second nature again soon. I think lots of people do that all the time, but they may not consciously be aware of it and actually be pushing many negative feeling that they have not dealt with beneath the surface, which is not a good thing. So I do not recommend that as a tactic. 

In my case, though, it's a matter of getting the chemicals in my body back in balance and that may take another week or so. It's not as if from the moment I increased the dose of anti-depressants I suddenly felt a 100% better. The process is slower than that. This does give me an opportunity to observe life from a different point of view, but I can't say that I like it much and I must say that I prefer the more positive, optimistic one. I see no reason to observe the world in any other way than through slightly rose tinted glasses. The state of the world does not change because of that and it makes it easier to deal with. 

Having said that, this does not mean that I am also not a realist, or even a cynic at times. When it comes down to it, reality does force me to be, because I keep well enough informed so that I am aware of the true state of affairs. I also know my own limitations when I comes to how much I can do to bring about change and how much my opinions matter. I am a fairly ordinary Dutch woman and not worse or better than the next one, and that means that I generally try hard to be a good citizen of the world. I do get cynical when I think how little difference that makes in the face of the many larger problems. I think I get cynical in order not to get frustrated.

In my own life, I am generally an optimist and less cynical. I think that is because of a survival tactic. I don't think many people get cynical about themselves. It would defeat all purposes. If I feel less optimistic now, I certainly do not feel like a pessimist. Hope does glory. I know that once the anti-depressants work properly, I will be my old cheerful self again and my outlook will be sunny in the face of nearly everything. In my personal life, I wear the rose tinted glasses more often.


Connie Rose said...

Am I right in thinking that one of the symptoms of your bipolarity is that you're frequently thinking you can go without your meds, and so you stop taking certain ones when you're feeling good? But then you feel bad and have to tweak the dosage again. If that's the case, then perhaps you need to discuss these things with your psychiatrist BEFORE you tinker with your dosages. I'm thinking it can't be a good thing in the long run if you're always upping and lowering your meds based on whim. Hope you can get the chemistry balanced. xoxo

Rob-bear said...

Bi-polarity, biochemistry, and the balancing act. Always tricky. I've tried some of that, but always end up pretty much back to where I started. I've come to that conclusion that, "If it works, don't fix it." That's not where I would like to be — I would be happier if I were drug-free. But, to borrow a thought from Shakespeare, discretion is the better part of just about everything.

I must say, thought, that depression helps me to remove the rose-coloured glasses. Whether that makes me cynical, I don't know. I does mean that a I put up with a lot less nonsense.

Blessings and Bear hugs!