I had to promise my psychiatrist yesterday, that I would not further reduce the anti-depressants until after I had seen him on Wednesday. I promised him that, but I have to admit that I did so reluctantly. I felt that I was more than ready for the next step, because the less I take of them, the better I feel. Since this is really only a postponement of a few days, I suppose I can be patient and wait. I must not be like a little kid who can't wait for something to happen and keeps asking if it is time yet. I am supposed to be a grown up woman, after all. The last time I looked, my body had taken on that shape anyway. As a matter of fact, it looked distinctly middle aged. I think I'm supposed to have the brains to go with it. I can't escape that clause.
We are going to discuss the whole medicine issue anyway. I suppose he will give me sage advice and I will put in my two cents worth and together we will come to a working solution. I have not changed my mind and still feel the same way about the medications as I did last week when I discovered what their long term side effects could be. I especially feel that way now after having reduced the anti-depressants so much and feeling so much better. I can't wait to be off them completely to feel the full effect. I assume that my own mind will surprise me, and that what I thought was dementia, is really just a drug induced forgetfulness.
I am starting to surpass myself in my ability to contemplate all of this. I had quite forgotten that I was capable of working these things out on my own. I had started to think of myself as a rather slow and dull-witted woman and I was always jealous of my sister's quick-witted mind. I felt like the tortoise next to the hare. She was already at the finish line when I was still starting off. I don't think anyone, me included, took into account that I was so much under the influence of drugs that I was simply not capable of keeping up. I had become a very dull conversation partner and socially I was pretty much a dud. I think I will see a change in these areas now as I become more lively.
I am already envisioning a time not too long from now when I will be free from drugs completely, although it is possible that I will have to keep taking the mood stabilizers. That is not the worst thing that can happen and is like someone taking epilepsy drugs. They do not affect your personality and your ability to function. If anything, they keep you on an even keel.
This has been a somewhat serious blog post, but sometimes they need to be written also. They help me order my mind. I've got lots of thoughts running through it and it is good to line them up and have a good look at them, so I suppose that yes, I am a linear thinker. I do think that logical and rational thinking brings me to the answer and one step closer to the goal I am aiming for which lies in a faraway future that I may never reach. Well, we are all cut short before we get there, aren't we? If we believe like His Holiness the Dalai Lama does, we get to live over again in many other lives. That would appeal to me if I knew that the conditions into which I was born were favorable. Who chooses to be born as a starving African child in a war struck country?
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