Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I'll not be held responsible...

It's so totally cool to sit here early in the morning and to not have a care in the world yet. That's why I like being up now and making the most of this time. I don't feel like I have to perform, but it is when I do best. It is the most laid back way to start the day. I think the fact that I am still in my pajamas and bathrobe also helps, because it makes me really feel like the day has not officially started yet. I will be more than ready when it does.
Every once in a while I am a bit hypomanic, but rather than let it disturb me, I make the best of it and try to enjoy the sense of freedom and joy that this brings me. Other people have to do drugs or imbibe in alcohol to get this feeling, but I am fortunate enough to get it all by myself. My psychiatrist has already told be that I will always stay hypomanic up to some point, whether or not I take medication. I may as well incorporate it into my personality as a pleasant character trait.
I suppose I am like an artist and am regularly beset upon by my muse. It would be nice if I had a passion beside writing these blog posts to set the power of my muse lose upon, but maybe as I reduce my medication more, I will find that passion. Right now, I find writing here to be very satisfying, but I can see where I would want there to be more of an outlet in the future.
I have come to the point of self acceptance, although I have thought that I already did so in the past. Maybe it is so that you accept yourself completely at different stages in your life and then reaffirm that every so often. I have had a good look at all that makes me the person that I am, including my so called flaws, and have decided that they are beauty marks that only make me more unique. I don't feel insecure about who I am right now and am willing to embrace all of me.  
My hypomania is a part of my personality that I would be loathe to do without, even though it can have its negative aspects, so to me it is the job to make their impact as small as possible. There are many positive aspects to being hypomanic and I would not like to do without them. It would be like cutting off a large part of myself that I could not live without. It would be like a mini suicide. I have had hypomania in my life as long as I can remember and they were not happy times when I had to suppress it with all my might. That caused a lot of emotional problems.
I am going to let it exist in all its glory and give it full reign while at the same time giving myself a set of rules to behave by. I will probably write them down on a large sheet of paper and hang that up by my computer table so that I will be able to remind myself to live by them. I am sure as heck not going to be intimidated by it or in any way think it is not allowable. Being hypomanic is something that I also am and a legitimate part of myself that I must not deny. It is the happiest that I will ever be.

1 comment:

Rob-bear said...

Have fun no matter what you do. If it turns out not to be fun, then make some changes.

Really, life is quite simple.

Blessings and Bear hugs.