Monday, December 09, 2013

Yes, once again...

Now that I am over it, I must tell you that I have been hypomanic again and I think I was it since my GP told me that the menisci in my knee were torn and I had to quit Tai Chi and yoga. It reached its highest point Saturday night when I blasted into the sky like fireworks, to subsequently land back on earth after I had slept really well. I woke up late Sunday morning with a newly gained clarity and the knowledge that I no longer had to jump through impossible hoops. As the day wore on, I became more 'sober' like someone does after she had too much to drink at a long lasting party, and I think I am now back to 'normal.'
What's interesting is, that I had on two occasions made it very clear to my psychiatrist that I was not hypomanic and he must have believed me, even when I asked him for a prescription for tranquilizers. Am I really that convincing and does my behavior and wild plans not speak for themselves? I don't know if he is taken in by me or if he is just humoring me and going along with my whims until I come back from the faraway place I have gone to. I will have to discuss this with him. I don't feel safe if the person who is supposed to know most about it does not recognize when I am in trouble. He did remind me the time before this that I am a 'rapid cycler,' meaning that I get hypomanic quickly and very often.
It scares me to know that I am at the whim of the chemistry of my brain and random occurrences in my life, and that I don't have a clue when this process starts up and takes over my life and influences my behavior so much. In not too long a time from now, another episode of hypomania will take place and I will have to go through the whole process again. The ingredients of the story will be different, but I will go through the same motions and god only knows what sort of outcome it will have. I don't  learn a lesson from it, and nobody around me seems to learn a lesson from it either.