Thursday, December 05, 2013

Maybe doing the impossible...

Yesterday evening, I was exhausted from all the work I had done for joining the corporate rat race and entering my relevant information into all the proper forms. I had no idea ahead of time how much work and energy was involved in getting all my statistics out there to assure that I made a chance on the job market and, of course, to start of with, I went about it ass backwards. I was also in a state of shock finding myself in a position of having to work at least 30 hours a week in order to provide myself with enough income to live on and, although I am forever an optimist, I was boggled by this number of hours.
I talked with my case manager at Social Services over the phone in the morning to let him know that I had signed up at the employment website, and he was very surprised to hear it and voiced quite some concern about my ability to pull this off. I told him how necessary it was that I did this, but he sounded very doubtful that it was a good idea. He did in the end tell me about a  local website that was established especially for people more like me who would have a harder time getting back on the job market and where I could leave my résumé and apply for a job. I did that as soon as I could.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist in the afternoon, and his reaction was the same, if not more serious, as my case manager. I saw in his eyes that I was completely on the wrong path, but I don't know what else to do. I am so determined to save myself financially from ruin.
Today I have signed up with two temp agencies and completed the very detailed sign up work at the employment website. I also applied for a few jobs. I have to have balls and act like I can take on any sort of work.
Another thing I did, was take a huge nap this afternoon because I was so tired of taking care of all the details, and I wondered how it was going to be when I was actually working. I slept deeper than I have done in a long time and woke up completely refreshed but ready to take on the world. I do have to say that I have renewed courage, but that I do have my doubts about my whole scheme too. I actually feel like I am playing a part in a movie and that it is going to come to an end some time soon and that I can then take a bow and get back to my normal life.


Connie Rose said...

Well, dear, I kind of agree with the experts, in this case. Not long ago you had a brief spurt of employment, although I think it was voluntary with the hope of payment later on as I recall. And that didn't turn out very well for you. I'm not meaning to be a naysayer, here... But going from not working at all to 30 hours a week would be pretty freaking terrifying, imo.
My questions are ~ if you do work, do you lose all your "social security" benefits, or whatever they call them in NL? Or can you continue to get your benefits, and work, say, 10 hours a week to supplement your income? And how much money are you actually short each month? And is that probably fairly small amount really worth what you'd have to force yourself to do to work again? Isn't there some other way to make ends meet??
I truly hope this phase blows over for you. I don't think your psyche could handle working at this point in your life.
Thinking of you and sending love and hugs. xoxo

Wisewebwoman said...

Well you never know unless you try, right?
My philosophy has always been to stick my toes in the water of life and if it's too cold back away with no apology.
I'm so glad you're trying. It means you're alive.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I hope you find a job that brings you happiness and interests you! I bet looking for one is harder than working in many ways.