It is around dinnertime and I have already eaten. Now I have to wait until it is time to go to bed and because I have nothing better to do, or rather, because I am antsy, I will write a blog post to keep me out of trouble.
I have been denying it for a few days, but I am afraid that I am on the road to becoming hypomanic again and I think being up for a long time in the middle of last night was not such a good idea. I have been unsettled all day and the peaceful, quiet feeling I had all week is gone.
Because my psychiatrist and I recently made a list of symptoms to be aware of, I am extra alert and know what to watch for. One thing that is not on the list, and that I have never mentioned to anyone, is that electronic sounding tune that plays in my head all the time when I am hypomanic and that has started up again this morning. I guess that is some sort of an obsession, or maybe a neurosis. I am afraid I am not well versed enough in psychiatry to know the difference, not even with my experience.
I intensely dislike feeling this way, but I think that is because I am not giving in to it. I could have fallen face first into the feeling and gone along with whatever behavior I had the urge to act out. Instead, I am fighting it and willing myself to stay calm and subdued, although that does take some effort because that is boring. Any trigger will set me off, even just a simple phone call, but at least I am aware of that and I don't know if I could have said as much two weeks ago.
I always forget all the things I know, because I am sure that this is something I learned a long time ago. That is why I am sure there is something wrong with my memory. I don't know if that is because of the medications or because of me. Whatever connections need to be made in my brain, work slowly or not at all.
I want to go to bed because there are no triggers there and sleep will reset my brain. I always wake up in a different state of mind than the one I went to bed with, but of course, it is influenced by my sleep medication too.