Sunday, December 29, 2013

I can always do better than that

It is with the usual contempt for what time in the morning it is that I sit here with my cup of coffee in the almost dark living room. My mind told me it was time to get up, so I obeyed and now I just hope that I don't become hypomanic like I did yesterday morning for the first half of it. That makes it sound like I was totally passive in this process, but I have to tell you, that's how it felt, although I did put up a good fight. Whatever chemical imbalance was taking place, was not restored quickly enough by my medication, and it wasn't until hours later that I stopped being a 'danger' to myself. I could have singlehandedly rearranged the whole apartment, had it not been for my bum knee, and ordered new accessories on line. Something deep inside of me prevented me from doing that. Thank goodness for that, because my bank account would not have survived the onslaught.
It is too early to take my medicines because I don't want to upset the schedule. I feel alright now and not so good that I am in a hallelujah mood. My whole state of mind is an unpredictable thing and not something that I can count on, no matter how many plans I make and how many good intentions I have. I am always prepared for one condition, and then it turns out that I am presented with another one that I had not counted on. Each day is a surprise and if anyone has to learn to live in the moment, it is certainly me. That is one lesson that I thought I had learned, but that turns out I have to apply quite differently than I understood I ought to. Experience teaches you the things that you must learn. There is no instant knowledge and there are no short cuts.
It is very interesting how I used to write about nothing at all on this blog and thought that that was the best thing to do. I thought if I didn't tell you any of the more gory details about my life, I could also pretend that they did not exist and go on acting like I was just an ordinary, average, non descript person who had a very ordinary life. Did I fool you? Did I keep it up long enough? I thought if I did, you would all fall for it and I would pass the test. I wanted more than anything to be accepted and thought I had to fit in some sort of mold, the shape of which I had made up myself. It was a ridiculous thing to do, of course, and I am glad that I have stopped doing that. It was very dishonest and I even almost pulled the wool over my own eyes. I don't know if I did over yours.
I think I am more of a blessing to a lot of people if I am honest and have a full disclosure policy. And, let's face it, it helps me a lot to write down my thoughts, because it is as good as talking to a therapist and I don't get interrupted.


Connie Rose said...

I like you a lot better as who you are than as who you thought we wanted you to be. Authenticity is the only way to fly! xoxo

Gail said...

Glad to know you are not feeling the same. I think we all to that to a degree now and then.

You have always been fine to me and still are.