Sunday, December 15, 2013

The hypomanic beast.

I think I can safely say that I have laid to rest the hypomanic beast after having been on the increased dose of antipsychotics for almost a week, but that doesn't really mean that I say this with a lot of confidence and without some doubt. I am constantly double checking my own behavior and questioning my thought patterns and what motivates me. None of these things are above suspicion yet and nothing quite comes natural without me having to think about it.
I am like a probation officer keeping track of a prisoner out on good behavior and it is very exhausting having to play both roles. But at least I'll be the first one to know when I am trying to outwit myself, unless a new bout of hypomania hits me in such a way that I am again taken completely unawares. I am, right now, very keen on noticing the least little sign of it, to the point that I suspect probably the most ordinary behavior, which makes me sort of loony.
Hopefully by next week, when I have been on the increased dose long enough, I will be back to more ordinary, less suspicious behavior, and I will be more at ease with myself. These things take time and it is important to remember that you don't take one extra pill and suddenly have the problem disappear. In all things patience is needed and some processes can't be speeded up. I am a bit wobbly still and one moment quite alright and at others insecure and vulnerable.
Almost every time I have had a bout of hypomania, I get smarter about it, although I do have to say that some of the lessons I learn are of very little use. I think this time around was a real doozy and I learned a lot, but then again, I did some damage and that is not easily forgotten and makes an impact. I can hope for no less than that I learn a big lesson from something that makes a big impact otherwise it is completely wasted. The only problem is, that while I am actively hypomanic, any lesson I did learn before is quite forgotten and hidden in oblivion.
I think I am a much more insecure person that I have been willing to admit and that I cover up for that by acting overly optimistic when at times it is completely misplaced. At times I have to be more realistic, and a bit of a cynic also, and stare the bare facts right in the face, even when they scare me and increase my sense of insecurity and vulnerability. I am, after all, only a human, aren't I? I suppose I try to be some sort of ubermensch who is not affected by much of anything.
I have to tell myself that nothing bad is going to happen to me if I feel the less positive emotions, because they are all temporary and know a beginning and an end. Confusion is just one of them. 


Wisewebwoman said...

So very sorry to hear you are hurting.

Let's hope the beast gets bored or defeated by the pill and leaves you.


Rob-bear said...

Well, I really do hope you've go that Beast more under control. Trying to be your own probation officer is, I'm very are, a tiring and perhaps even thankless task.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I think you're smart to call on other people to give you their honest feedback, truly.
And congrats on your new chair!