I fell asleep with my glasses on my nose and my bedside light on, and woke up several hours later in an uncomfortable position because I was still holding on to my book and my neck was a bit sore. It is so much better if I remember the going to sleep rituals and put everything away before I sink under the covers for the night. And then, of course, I felt called upon to get up, because god forbid I should go back to sleep. That would be much too sensible, but I wanted to very much see if there were emails from people I care very much about. I always almost know for sure there are not going to be and I do this exercise in vain, so I am up and have this little bit of nightlife and make the best of it. It does create diversity in my life.
I have to remember to feel good and relaxed because, although not everything in my life comes even close to being perfect, there are enough little details that make me feel happy and that is what it is all about in the end. I have to decide what matters and if I am going to let some imperfect aspects of it ruin my life, especially if I can't do anything to influence them. I do have to sometimes admit defeat in the face of it and not make a drama out of it but acknowledge it as a fact of life. Even if that means that I also have to admit that it is because of some shortcoming of myself. I try to at least learn a lesson from it and chalk it up to experience.
I have been rejected by someone because she thinks I am unhealthy and unsafe to have a close relationship with and, although this initially hurt my feelings, it does give me food for thought and makes me wonder why she came to that conclusion. There must be something in my behavior that makes her feel that way because it can't come out of the blue. People don't just suddenly come up with an idea like that, so I do have to have a good honest look at myself. I know that I am a complex person to be in a close relationship with and that is probably why I don't have that many. The more intimate they get, the more they need an instruction booklet.
It does make me think about the relationships that I do have and how to treasure them and care for them properly. I have to make sure that I take the responsibility for my own behavior in them and appreciate the effort that the other people put into them. It also does make me more and more want to become a self sufficient woman. I do think that the healthiest relationships I have is with my two exes. Isn't that funny?