Sunday, December 22, 2013


To give you an impression of how my mind is working now that it seems to be under the influence of an incoming hypomanic episode, I, for an hour or so, seriously entertained the theory that I only rapid cycle in the months that have an 'R' in them. I was convinced of this until I ate some cookies and became sure that they were the ones that would push me further into hypomania. This idea suddenly seemed so ridiculous, that I started to question some of the other things I had been contemplating.
So you see, I am coming close to being a mad woman and irrational, and it is only these short little glimpses into sanity that show me the truth of my behavior. I have to take advantage of these glimpses into the truth and write them down immediately, so that I will remember them at a later time when I can reread these posts for further reference.
At the danger of becoming paranoid, I will question whatever other bright psychological 'insights' I get into myself from now on. Whenever I start to look for a cause and effect and start to build a theory around them, I hope I will remember the 'cookie moment' and stop what I am doing. There is sheer madness in the twists and turns of logic my mind will take to reach the answer that fits my problem. Even more so in the complete conviction of me thinking I am totally right in my conclusions and in how I try to convince other people of that too.
Of course, now I have to question if I am still becoming hypomanic or if I am regaining peace and sanity again. It is a learning curve that I am on and I may have just had a big test that I passed with flying colors, although stating that is already too much of a pompous thing. I do have to keep my ego in check, because if there is one thing that grows beyond proportion when I am hypomanic, it is my ego. I very easily get a lofty attitude and a sense of entitlement. I very quickly believe that I am more deserving than anyone else.
Full disclosure is the best thing I can do for my own sake and to inform you at the same rime. It is good to uncover hidden thoughts, and to even acknowledge their existence, and to not have them slumber as dirty little secrets in the recesses of my mind. As it is, I get to answer my own questions in the process and come clean as if I am making a confession.

No comments: