A busy day...

Being nearly out of tobacco, I walked with Tyke to the tobacconist at 8:30 am and got a new supply. Tyke's smart enough to know where we are going now and walks into the shop on his own and tries to wait patiently, which is tough to do when you are a little dog. He also can't wait to be outside again and return to the business of smelling everything in the gutter, which means it takes twice as long to get home, as I either wait patiently or drag him with me.

When I got home, I took a quick nap on the sofa and then did the few chores I had to do in a hurry before the personal helper would get there. She did at 11:15 and turned out to be a very nice woman who I got along with well. We made a plan of action and filled out a questionnaire and generally got to know each other and decided to call each other by our first names. She starts on Thursday.

After she left I had a quick cup of coffee before I went to my psychiatrist. I wore my leather jacket and a scarf on my way over there on my bike because it was cold. I find that I can't tell you what went on between my psychiatrist and me, but it was monumental and had to do with guilt and sadness and unconditional love, which I have a shortage of in my life. It makes me very sad to write this down as all the feelings of that session return, so I will leave that alone now.

Actually, I don't feel like writing all of this down at all. I feel very tired and want to do nothing more than go to bed and sleep. Nothing seems as attractive as my bed right now and the warm duvet and my book and something to eat. So I think that's what I'll do now. Maybe later tonight there will be more blogging.

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Today...

I got up on time to answer my emails and have some coffee and smoke some cigarettes and blog a little. Before I do anything today, I have to go to the tobacconist to get my supply of tobacco and filter tubes. I can walk Tyke at the same time and then do a few chores around here. I have to get the apartment ready for the domestic help. There can't be any kind of a chaos for her to start with, not even a little one. So I must organize the kitchen and clean up some things that are lying around in the various rooms.

There's a bowl of porridge sitting in the kitchen that I have to throw out, because I couldn't eat it. My gastric band didn't allow me to. I think my stomach shrank. After just a few bites I was awfully full and had to stop eating. I did manage to eat some curried rice noodles later. They were pretty good, although they weren't what I had asked the Exfactor to buy for me. I had asked him for small packages of flavoured rice. Something got lost in the translation between women's talk and men's interpretation. Isn't it always like that?

I may be awake, but I think I'm not quite done sleeping yet and I look forward to the end of the day when I'll be able to take a nap. Goodness, I can look forward to that already. I'm like an old lady who needs to get her forty winks in. Sleep plays such a big role in my life, either as in too much of it or not enough of it.It all depends on what time of day or night it is. I constantly fall asleep with my reading glasses and my reading light on. My book drops out of my hands onto the floor. So far Tyke hasn't demolished it. I'm still looking forward to the day when I will sleep 8 hours straight again like I was doing for awhile. It's a shame that this stopped, because it was very pleasant.

Since I'm planning to wear my summer clothes today, I do hope that the weather is going to be nice. I didn't watch the news last night, so I have no idea of the forecast. Last night, after that splendid weather we had during the day, it rained and everything has gotten refreshed. The sky is overcast now and it doesn't look too promising. Actually, I shouldn't make it sound like that is a big deal. All I have to do is dress warm enough, because I really don't mind cool days and a little rain. I just means a change of plan in what I am going to wear. I think I can deal with that. That would be the least of my worries and I can wear socks and my cowboy boots and I will be nice and warm. Not to mention a scarf.

Tyke is barking at phantom people walking by. He does that at night too when the blinds are closed. He barks at the windows as if there is someone there. It doesn't scare me, because I feel pretty safe here and I think his bark will scare anyone away, he sounds like a big dog. I do wonder what in his imagination sets him off, though. He must be very alert and imagine all sorts of people trying to break into the apartment.

Oh, I was just out back with him and it is cold out. I will dress very warmly. It is not at all going to be a nice warm spring day. Well, it will be fun to choose my clothes for today. My imagination is working overtime already, but it will be better if I dive in my closet and see what is there. There are always forgotten surprises. Clothes that temporarily disappear in the chaos and then reappear again. The closet is too full and not organized well enough any more.

Right, it is time to take my medicines and to get dressed. I wish I had gotten my hair cut, because I can't do a thing with it. Isn't that a famous last line?

Ciao,

Nora

Temporarily up...

I took a nap and it was nice and now I'm up for awhile, but I plan to be in bed before midnight. I'm just checking to see if my mood has improved any. I think it has and that I may be more cheerful, though I'm not dancing around the room, but I don't do that as a rule anyway, unless another very cheerful person is with me. Maybe a Tyrolean in short leather pants who's had a lot of Schnapps to drink.

When I woke up,Tyke washed my face and my neck and my ears and I said, "Thank you very much." Sometimes he gets that way and gives me a good cleaning. It feels very pleasant and ticklish, but it makes you smell like dog, so another wash is in order.

I just had a cup of coffee, but I'm switching to milk now, because I don't want to be up all night like I was last night. I do have to get some sleep tonight, because tomorrow is a busy day and I can't afford to sleep late in the morning. It's a shame that I have to function during the day, but so be it. The rest of mankind does too.

I think I need a different kind of life, one wherein I live a secluded life on an island that's sparsely populated and where time almost stands still and where there are few modern facilities. I would just have to have an endless supply of books and many bookcases, but I would have to be away from society as far as possible and be oblivious of the days of the year. Now, where would I find a place like that? I have to give this some serious thought. What do I do with the rest of my life?

Tyke's decided that this is a good time to chase Gandhi around. She's hopping from one piece of furniture to the next trying to get away from him. She's finally made it to the kitchen counter and Tyke is sitting here quite disappointed. Oh no, she's made an error. She's jumped off the counter and walked into the bedroom. Tyke followed her and any moment now I will here a racket. That silly cat. Or should I say, that darn dog?

It's time to go to bed and I haven't told you anything interesting yet. Tomorrow morning my personal helper comes for an introductory meeting. Then I have to go to my psychiatrist, and after that the domestic help comes. A little bit of a lot all at once. Those are the most interesting things I have to tell you.

Sleep tight.

Ciao,

Nora

Late in the afternoon...

It will be early evening by the time I'm done writing this, but never mind. The title stands.

It's been an unpleasant day and for as good as I felt yesterday, that's how bad I've felt today. A complete opposite situation, in other words. I'm trying the trick with the coffee, but I'm not being very successful so far. I've tried to get my head in a different frame of mind, but I'm not managing it very well. I don't know exactly what the problem is, except that I've lost my happy outlook and I can't find it anywhere and now everything is doom and gloom.

I've tried to keep myself busy with the odd job, but it hasn't helped very much. I even tried to cut my hair, but the scissors were too dull. I don't have a pair of really good ones and must invest in some.

Since the weather is so nice today, I've had to find different clothes to wear and switch my cowboy boots for summer shoes. Tyke thought this was really interesting and followed me around, sniffing my feet and biting my shoes. He's only known me with boots on.

Finding summer clothes wasn't that hard and they still fit me. That's always a relief. It means that I can't wear my scarves any more and I'll miss them, but I can wear necklaces. I've had to take off the silver rings as my fingers were starting to itch, so now I'm not wearing any, which is fine. I'm undefined and plain old hands are okay too.

I'm still wearing leggings under my skirt, as I don't want to show my bare legs yet. It's a little bit too early in the season for that. Besides, they lack colour and are as white as milk bottles. Somehow I have to get them tanned a bit. I may have to sit in my sister's garden and figure out a way to stand sitting in the sun. It's not my favourite thing to do. I used to sit on the beach in California, but that was when I was young and ignorant about skin cancer.

I just finished a cup of coffee, but I'm awfully tired. I need to go take Tyke for a walk, but I think after that I will go to sleep. That seems like the most wonderful idea right now and completely like what I need.

It's just a short post, but it will have to do. I can't always be long winded.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed early and despite my intention to sleep for a long time, I am up again, having a mug of coffee and cigarettes by the light of my desk lamp. Everything is very peaceful and quiet, but for the hum of the computer and the clicking of the keys on the keyboard. Tyke's asleep by my feet and the cats are asleep in various places in the apartment. Who could picture a more perfect setting? I do so love tranquillity and I must have been born in a very quiet place to love it so. I always feel as if I'm submerged in it as if I were a fish in an ocean, but it allows me to breathe as if it were fresh air, which indeed it is, because it is ratified air such as you would find in a monastery where there is no noise but that of quiet prayer, whispered before an altar in an ancient chapel with flickering candle light. I may have been a monk in an other life. The hours would have suited me.

Instead I sit here in my living room surrounded by the accoutrements of my life, the things I can't do without, though I could take a roll of trash bags and empty drawers and cabinets of a lot of unnecessary debris. I would like to go through my life as unburdened as possible and leave as little behind as I can. I've got a way to go in unburdening myself, but it's a plan I have for the near future. I would like to get rid of everything that I don't need or want and have lots of empty space. That seems to me the ideal situation. In the end it only comes down to a few items anyway. I travelled to the Netherlands with my clothes, my books and my music and I would like to get it down to that again as much as possible.

I do have my artwork. my unframed, as yet, collages and my paintings and sculptures. Those I need to keep or find good homes for. I don't know how much of that my daughter will want. Most of my books are in English, so she will want those. Look at me, planning the end of my life already. One should always be prepared. I want to be like my parents and leave as little mess behind me as possible. It makes it easier for those who have to clean up after you. No morbid thoughts are attached to this. it's just a matter of practicality and the sense of my own mortality and what you drag around with you in this life, what you are burdened with. You have to leave quality stuff behind you.

I've started reading "Larry's Party," but I'm just at the beginning of it, so I don't know what to think of it yet, though it is well written. Just to be on the safe side, I have ordered "The Republic of Love, " which I read a long time ago, but have no memory of. It was during a time when I read an awful lot of books and I think I didn't absorb half of them and could read those again. A lot of them are on my wish list. I have a 162 books on my wish list and would like to do nothing better than to order them all at once in one fell swoop. It would wipe out my budget for the next 2 months an I would be unable to pay bills and buy food, but wouldn't it be great? I would love to receive boxes of books and frantically try to make room for them on my bookcases. I think a person can't have too many books, unless they're old and ratty.

I have 2 books by David Guterson and 2 by Michael Cunningham, but I'm unfamiliar with both of them and a little hesitant to start on them. I don't read male authors a lot, but these came recommended and I thought they might be worth a try. I just need to sit down and start reading them and come to my own conclusions, but I'm so picky about books and I hate to be disappointed, or worse, aggravated. The male point of view can be just a little more ruthless than the female, but that may be a prejudiced thought of me and the last male author I read, Sebastian Barry, I really liked a lot because of his sensitivity, so anything is possible. The preconceived ideas I have aren't necessarily true.

I've had two cups of coffee and have now switched to milk. You do start to burp after the second cup. At least I do, but that may be due to my gastric band. I like the taste of coffee, but only up to a point. After a certain amount I want something else to quench my thirst. I'm always in the mood for food that I don't have in the house. Right now it is thick and creamy yoghurt. I have no such thing in the refrigerator. I do have a package of noodles and may try that. I haven't eaten anything for awhile. When I do eat, I stay full for a long time and it takes some time before I am hungry again. It can take a whole day before I'm ready to eat again and even then it's not so much because I'm hungry. That's what the gastric band does.

It's funny how I can spend a whole night feeling absolutely no discomfort whatsoever, but completely at ease in my skin. The night must be my element. Someone said that it had to do with the chemicals in your brain at night. Something about them being more soothing. I forgot how exactly she worded it. For all I know it's the after effects of the sleeping pill. Whatever it is, it is very pleasant. I have no worries at night and feel very safe. I only start to get stress during the day when I feel i need to be alert against potential disasters, not that those happen a lot. It's just an old instinctive feeling. Maybe it's genetic memory. It's a good thing I have a dog.

I'm going to have some porridge now and after that take my medicines and go back to bed. It will be nice and warm there and cosy under the duvet. I've got my book and nothing can hurt me. Have a good morning when you wake up and have a good Sunday. Remember, it's a day of rest, so do something restful. Enjoy the flowers in your garden or the horses in your meadow or the wonderful results of your artwork.

Ciao,

Nora

On the sofa...

I laid down on the sofa this afternoon, in the sunshine that came in through the front windows, and finished "The Stone Diaries." I had already looked on my bookcase to see if I had any more books by Carol Shields and I do. I have two of them, "Dressing up for the Carnival" and "Larry's Party." I think I will read the latter next. I think the first one is a collection of short stories. After I finished reading "The Stone Diaries," I laid it down on my lap and folded my hands over my chest and went to sleep very peacefully.

I woke up with Tyke on my lap and Gandhi too and the two of them were making a racket, so I had to get up after I got licked awake by Tyke and his wonderful dog breath, which isn't quite puppy breath any more. I smoked a cigarette to come to my senses and then made a cup of coffee to get the cobwebs out and opened the back door to let the fresh air in. The jasmine bush is very green and the Golden Rain is getting buds on it. Soon it will have blossoms, although it is a little late this year. The mountain ash berries are showing life and will soon be green. Tyke is ignorant of all of this and just lifts his leg against it and pees. It doesn't seem to do it any harm. Maybe it is fertilizer.

I just took him for a walk around the field and a lot of people were sitting out in the sunshine. It's a communal field, so all the people whose houses face it use it to sit and relax on, but they do keep a close eye on me and my dog to make sure I clean up after him. It would be very antisocial not to and not a hair on my head would think of not doing it, but there are those people who get away with it when no one is looking. It's pretty disgusting. Kids play on that field and a whole social life takes place there. They even have parties and barbecues there, so it's a big deal to keep that field cleaned up.

My, I am talking about interesting things now, aren't I? I hope you aren't eating your dinner.

I've just taken my medicines and it seems that everything is working correctly. I have them spread out evenly over the day so I feel like I have some control over them and how much I get off it during the day at different times. I'm not bothered by the decrease in my anti psychotics. If anything, I feel maybe less down, but I can't be sure, because I'm drinking a little more coffee. That does effect me and it makes me feel better as can be witnessed at the end of the day when I really feel good. Maybe it's just a relief to have the day over and done with. I do like the evenings and the nights the best, after all.

Today was not a bad day, though, and it went by quickly and I did not feel like I wanted to sit down and sob in misery once. I think that reading a good book helped a lot and diverted my attention. Sleeping also helped, but a good book does wonders, because you really can get lost in it and be transported to another time and place and have your imagination be stimulated. If you're lucky, you recognize bits and pieces of yourself and your own life in it and it puts you to thinking about it from a different angle. You wonder how you did things and why and if you could have done them differently, or if you did them equally inadequate considering the time you lived in and the circumstances.

I was born in the fifties and am a product of the fifties and not at all a liberated woman like a lot of my contemporaries are. I was raised to be dependent and unable to fend for myself. Just because all the women in my family wore the pants in their households, I thought we were liberated, but nothing was further from the truth. We were all heavily dependent on our husbands for our livelihoods and not at all capable of taking care of ourselves. We knew how to run a household and that was it. I come across such women in the books I read, or very liberated and educated ones, and compare notes and see how bad off I am.

But never mind about that. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. I am where I am now and must make the best of it. I am getting lots of help to do just that. It's amazing what input I'm getting. I must make good with that.

It's still early in the evening. Normally I don't have a post written this early, so doubtlessly there will be another one later on when I can't sleep. Or maybe I will surprise myself and go to bed early tonight. The only problem is that I will awaken in the middle of the night and have nothing better to do but to sit here behind the computer again. I could take a second sleeping pill then and sleep longer. Maybe that's a good idea. Anything to survive the night right.

Tyke's out cold behind me on the floor. He never lies on the comfortable cushion because it is too far away from me. I'll see if it helps when I move it closer. At night he sleeps on the bed with me and when I wake up he greets me eagerly and comes up to cuddle. He's just one woolly, squiggly teddy bear, all black curls. He's like a movable stuffed animal.

I'm off to start reading my new book. I hope it is as good as the last one. I'm full of anticipation.

Have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Nora