Saturday, April 23, 2011

Taking a break...

I almost always feel stress. I feel stress when I sit in my apartment and I feel stress when I walk the dog. I'm almost constantly a bundle of nerves. At least, I've been especially so lately and now can't remember when I've not been. It seems that I'm always hanging on by the skin of my teeth to some extent, except that now it has taken on extreme forms. 

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning because I didn't want to face the day and I only did so very reluctantly because the dog insisted on it. He had to be let out. I sat in my bathrobe for the longest time drinking coffee with my stomach tied in knots, feeling miserable and trying to figure out how in the world to make it through the day.

When it was noontime, I took my medicines and I also took 20 mg of Temazepam because I didn't know what else to do, but just wanted to be relieved from the enormous pressure that I felt. I had to walk the dog, but kept postponing it until I couldn't any longer. 

Now the Temazepam has started to work and I feel a bit better. As a matter of fact, I wish I would always feel this way. Most of the stress is gone and my stomach is almost not tied in knots anymore. I'm only a little bit neurotic. I think that's what I have: a neurotic personality. I can't explain it any other way. I had a grandmother who was the same way. 

I get very exhausted of being me. I always feel that I have to read an instruction booklet to know what to do with myself but that the booklet has been lost. It's so tiring to deal with these moods and feelings. Sometimes I feel like giving up completely. But then I take a pill like the Temazepam and the pressure is off and I can handle things again for a while. It's so nice to get a bit of relief. 

I curse my genetic make up and wish I had never been born. I don't see any added value to my life here on earth. It serves no purpose whatsoever. I don't see what I add to the common good. I'm basically taking up a tiny little bit of space in a very negative way. 

Don't pay any attention to me. I'm being super realistic and probably need to take another pill. Everybody needs some redeeming qualities and I just don't happen to see mine. 


Elaine said...

Please don't feel that way. You KNOW that later or tomorrow or next week you will feel different.

Go to sleep for a while and start the day again. It usually works, sweetie.

Thinking of you. x

Maggie May said...

The problem is with this illness that you can't remember that the feeling is only a temporary feeling and that it will go away because it always does. That is the cruel part of it.
I hope you can latch onto this.
Feel for you.
Luv Maggie X

Nuts in May

VioletSky said...

I am learning so much from you - and your writings of what it is like being you.

That said, I also wish you could feel more hours/days/weeks of relief from 'being you'!

Gail said...

Okay, pull your tough broad boots on and let's take a walk.

We can't both be down at the same will never work!!!

We are walking up the mountain to the top pasture to feed the new baby calf. We are carrying warm milk in a large bottle. It is raining but we don't mind, we wear our rain gear.

The calf is glad to see us, as she nurses, the milky foam builds on her mouth as she butts the bottle like she would her mom.

The soft hair, the big round eyes, the milky mouth all bring us peace and joy...the joy of helping.

How was the walk? Although we are tired, hungry, wet...we shared a moment, if only in our mind, that made us closer and told us we are not alone.

Twain12 said...

i can't add much more than the other posters have....sometimes i feel like this too, but it usually passes, and i think we all have value.You rescued your pets and give them a are a great writer ,and allowing us to come along on your journey even if it just a glimpse lets us all realize we are not alone because other people share our feelings.I wish i could express myself like you do , but there are many times when you write something and i think to myself how much i can relate.You have a gift ♥

Bernie said...

Oh sweetie I am so sorry you are going through such a rough patch, you are such a wonderful writer, honest and sincere. I love that you share your heart with us, you help me so much to understand my own daughter. I do hope this heavy sadness lifts soon - you know it will pass Nora, you are so loved by your blog friends.....:-)Hugs