I almost always feel stress. I feel stress when I sit in my apartment and I feel stress when I walk the dog. I'm almost constantly a bundle of nerves. At least, I've been especially so lately and now can't remember when I've not been. It seems that I'm always hanging on by the skin of my teeth to some extent, except that now it has taken on extreme forms.
I didn't want to get out of bed this morning because I didn't want to face the day and I only did so very reluctantly because the dog insisted on it. He had to be let out. I sat in my bathrobe for the longest time drinking coffee with my stomach tied in knots, feeling miserable and trying to figure out how in the world to make it through the day.
When it was noontime, I took my medicines and I also took 20 mg of Temazepam because I didn't know what else to do, but just wanted to be relieved from the enormous pressure that I felt. I had to walk the dog, but kept postponing it until I couldn't any longer.
Now the Temazepam has started to work and I feel a bit better. As a matter of fact, I wish I would always feel this way. Most of the stress is gone and my stomach is almost not tied in knots anymore. I'm only a little bit neurotic. I think that's what I have: a neurotic personality. I can't explain it any other way. I had a grandmother who was the same way.
I get very exhausted of being me. I always feel that I have to read an instruction booklet to know what to do with myself but that the booklet has been lost. It's so tiring to deal with these moods and feelings. Sometimes I feel like giving up completely. But then I take a pill like the Temazepam and the pressure is off and I can handle things again for a while. It's so nice to get a bit of relief.
I curse my genetic make up and wish I had never been born. I don't see any added value to my life here on earth. It serves no purpose whatsoever. I don't see what I add to the common good. I'm basically taking up a tiny little bit of space in a very negative way.
Don't pay any attention to me. I'm being super realistic and probably need to take another pill. Everybody needs some redeeming qualities and I just don't happen to see mine.
Ciao,
Nora
