Because of circumstances, I felt my ego had taken a bit of a beating and I felt a bit insecure about myself. I also needed to air my troubles in detail and get some clear cut answers, and that is why I contacted my psychiatrist early yesterday morning to ask him if he could see me that day. Luckily he could and I saw him at lunchtime. I was able to sit down with him and work through what was bothering me by logically talking about it. That took care of what my sensibilities had to say about it, but of course, emotionally I still had to deal with it.
It is going to take me some time to do that and I have planned a major pause in my life while I catch up with myself emotionally. I was able to have a good conversation wit the Exfactor yesterday evening and he has the same amount of cynicism about life that I do, so I felt completely understood and validated. Yet, I still feel very sad every once in a while and it is going to take me some time to get over that. Mostly, I feel very tired and worn out, but that could also be from the fibromyalgia, although I think it is an accumulation of everything that has happened lately.
It is tough not to feel upbeat and happy, but I can't force cheerfulness now. I must feel these less positive feelings also to later appreciate the better ones.
Last night, my knee briefly locked up when I sat with it bent in my chair, but I was able to unlock it myself without too much trouble. It did have me worried for a few seconds. I suppose I won't be sitting down with it bent like that anymore. I do have to accept some limitations in my joints.
I can't not take the medicines for my fibromyalgia, because I turn very grouchy when I do. I try to postpone the moment when I take them, but it is really not a good idea and I should take them when it is time to according to the clock and my level of discomfort. I am a such much more agreeable person when I do. I have to disagree with the fact that the anti-inflammatory medicines are not supposed to help that much, because they do. Whoever invented that myth didn't know what they were talking about.
I refuse to let my present mood turn into one in which the presence of the 'black dog' is reigning. I will not let it get that far. I do feel it somewhere in the background and feel moments of despair, but I will not give into them. I can not loose the last feelings of optimism that I still have and that I cling to like a woman clings to a raft on a choppy sea. I will keep my head above water. See how many metaphors I use. I must really be serious.