Thursday, October 03, 2013

Because I need to...

I now I have to write another blog post in order to unscramble my sleepy brain that is so far refusing to function. I woke up prematurely because Tyke had to go out back and of course I was stubborn enough to want to stay up and make myself some coffee. The one cup of it that I've had is not working yet and I will have to drink a couple more. Engaging my mind in a practical activity ought to work too, although I keep wanting to fall asleep on top of the keyboard. I have been known to be thick headed and this may be one of those occasions.
I am still not back to what I call my 'normal' self and when I woke op I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of all the things that are not going right in my life at the moment. I felt like having some sort of mental breakdown earlier this evening and I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and run away from home. If I had a million bucks, I would do it without a moment's hesitation. Being independently wealthy would sure make it easier to deal with any situation. If I knew who the next Bill Gates would be, I would marry him right now.
I feel like crawling in my shell and not coming out for a while, and I guess I could make like a hermit and cloister myself in my apartment, although that does go against my nature. I do need the freedom to move around and the regular outings with Tyke to breathe in the fresh air. I suppose I could pretend to live inside an invisible bubble that would move along with me wherever I went and made me invincible and that anything at all would bounce off of. I suppose if you had lots of money, you could pretend to live inside that bubble and create a world of your own that only you, and who you invited in, survived inside.
Yes, I am doing a lot of wishful thinking, but when push come to shove, I am very good at that and I guess it is a coping mechanism that I apply every once in a while. I like to pretend I can magically influence my circumstances for the better until I don't need to anymore. It's a trick I learned to use when I was a kid and it served me well.
I am not a spring chicken any more and the time to believe in fairy tales is over. I am supposed to a sage and sensible adult now in the prime of my life, applying all of the lessons I have learned in life. Well, it does get tough enough sometimes that I am not capable of that and wish for the magical way out. That's why I play in the national state lottery every month.   


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

A little magic does make life easier to handle...

Wisewebwoman said...

H'm. I've been making a gratitude list every night and it's really helping me to see the stuff I normally overlook.

counting the stuff I have which is not material and does not involve money.

I'm not perfect. But I try. And no I never buy lottery tickets.