Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Forgive my indulgences.

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. 

I should let the quote above really sink into me and stop and think about the things I already have and wonder if they really are not enough and if I should have the gall to desire more. I want to make a big change in my life and start a new chapter, but I can really not afford it, yet I forge ahead as if I can and it does put the necessary fear in my heart. I think I must be a fool and a miscast optimist playing a role in a farce that can only end up badly and which the critics will condemn unanimously. 

It has been a long time since I wanted something very much beside just wanting to have good mental health. Now that I have that, up to a point and most of the time, I am starting to develop other desires that are more of the earthly kind and that, if fulfilled, would satisfy the plain old human being in me. I would be just like anybody else with a much longed for wish. At the same time I see the impossibility of making it come true and I feel a sense of horror for wishing it. I suppose I want my wish to come true so much, that it feels like an ache. 

That is when I have to look around me and add up my blessings and look at the grand total of the amount that I have. That would be a very sobering and useful activity and maybe make me land with both my feet back on solid earth again where I belong. It is very good occasionally, to pluck yourself out of the air where you are floating and to make yourself have a safe landing on the ground.  

I will stop being preoccupied with moving and start concentrating on some other areas of my life. I am sure there is room for improvement all around because there always is if you want to do it right. It is also a time to start looking forward to Spring and longer days when we will have more light in the evenings. 

I do not know what sort of madness comes over me sometimes, but luckily, I do see sense again somewhere along the way. At times my own mind is a mystery to me. 


Odette said...

this is very good. you are working toward positive thinking and i can sense that you are more relaxed and having comforting thoughts.
you are right, things will get better in spring.

Gail said...

We all need to count our blessings now and then.

Connie Rose said...

So what's the scoop about New York??