Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.
I should let the quote above really sink into me and stop and think about the things I already have and wonder if they really are not enough and if I should have the gall to desire more. I want to make a big change in my life and start a new chapter, but I can really not afford it, yet I forge ahead as if I can and it does put the necessary fear in my heart. I think I must be a fool and a miscast optimist playing a role in a farce that can only end up badly and which the critics will condemn unanimously.
It has been a long time since I wanted something very much beside just wanting to have good mental health. Now that I have that, up to a point and most of the time, I am starting to develop other desires that are more of the earthly kind and that, if fulfilled, would satisfy the plain old human being in me. I would be just like anybody else with a much longed for wish. At the same time I see the impossibility of making it come true and I feel a sense of horror for wishing it. I suppose I want my wish to come true so much, that it feels like an ache.
That is when I have to look around me and add up my blessings and look at the grand total of the amount that I have. That would be a very sobering and useful activity and maybe make me land with both my feet back on solid earth again where I belong. It is very good occasionally, to pluck yourself out of the air where you are floating and to make yourself have a safe landing on the ground.
I will stop being preoccupied with moving and start concentrating on some other areas of my life. I am sure there is room for improvement all around because there always is if you want to do it right. It is also a time to start looking forward to Spring and longer days when we will have more light in the evenings.
I do not know what sort of madness comes over me sometimes, but luckily, I do see sense again somewhere along the way. At times my own mind is a mystery to me.