If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
I went to sleep very early yesterday evening, not wanting to face the day anymore and hoping that after some hours of sleep, I would be in a more lighthearted mood. Well, I did wake up like that to some point, but I can not say that I was brimming over with joy. Of course, it would have been unrealistic to expect that and I will take any spark of light as a good sign.
I am not going to pretend that I am happy now because I am not. I am a complex human being made up of all sorts of conflicting emotions that all battle for their turn in the limelight and I am having a heck of a time keeping them all in check. I have a pain in my chest and i know that it is the seat of all my conflicting emotions where they have all gathered waiting for the moment of release. They are squeezed together in too small a space and something has to give.
All I can think about right now to relieve my anxiety, which is one of the things I feel, is to eat an enormous portion of food and it is a good thing that I can not, because I would soon make a habit of it if I stay in this mood. Some Chinese food sounds very good right now, but that would be impossible to get anyway. Leave it to me to crave something that is hard to get in the middle of the night. I feel like having a portion of satay with spicy peanut sauce and I am sure that my stomach would protest very much, but I would have fun eating it if I did it rapidly.
I am in conflict with someone dear to me, because I have asked for something impossible and stated things that I should regret. In other words, I turned out to be a feeble human being. I am trying to set this situation straight, but I do not know if I am capable of it, because I am only in charge of my own actions and even then, I make errors as is so clearly pointed out to me. I suppose the diplomat that I thought I was, is in fact not alive and well in me. It is a good thing that I did not join the Foreign Service, because I might have made enormous blunders that would have embarrassed the entire country and Her Majesty.
I will go back to bed now and get the second portion of my nightly sleep.I just hope that I do not have such weird dreams in which all sorts of people in my life figure in the most grotesque ways. Even the ones that are already gone.