Without sleep...

I find myself awake in the middle of the night after only several hours of sleep. It's not a disaster, because I will amuse myself and I'm obviously not toppling over from sleep. I just woke up and decided I'd had enough and got up. I had my alarm clock set for 7 am and left it set, in case I do fall asleep again, but I doubt really that's going to happen. It might have been the time I would have gone back to sleep again, today it is the time I would officially have been getting up. I have an appointment with My SPN at 9 am and I certainly don't want to miss that, especially not after the good appointment I had with my psychiatrist yesterday afternoon.

I've had my cup of coffee and am drinking a glass of cold milk now and am happy for the thirst quencher it is. Right now I could drink about a liter of cold milk, that's how thirsty I am. My mouth is completely dried out and I have hardly any spit left. That's why I sometimes have a hard time closing envelopes and have to close them with pieces of sellotape. If not, I'm in the danger of getting paper cuts from repeatedly licking the gummed edge without the required effect. It's a frustrating inability to have. Luckily, stamps are self sticking now.

I didn't do a lot yesterday, but putz around and generally feel good and contend, which filled my soul and sense of well being. There's nothing better then to feeling a sense of rightness with the world and with yourself and it allows you an enormous amount of peace ans serenity and even a sort of excitement that comes from knowing that you are on the right path. That is a balsam for the soul and food for the intellect and it helps you figure out a longer term trajectory to make your life more goal oriented.

I have a road set out before me now and know what I want to achieve for myself and the mission is very clear. It is to experience as may positive situations as I possibly can, and achieve as many positive results to my thought processes as I can manage to achieve, and to come to the right conclusions in the reasoning and deductions I make, but first and foremost to very much live in the moment and to be aware of it and to experience it very consciously on my own terms and at my own speed and not feel that I'm forced through it by other people or other circumstances.

This is based on Buddhist thought and I've come to it on my own and have made my own decisions about it and have adapted it to my own situation. but when I explained my point of view to my psychiatrist yesterday, he said that this was called Mindfulness, and that it was something based on Eastern thought and adapted to Western thinking and that it used to be alternative medicine, but that it had now become mainstream and an accepted form of therapy.

I explained my philosophy further and he said that I was on the right road and that all of this was going to enable me to handle my next depression much better, because of the experiences I'm having now and the lessons I'm learning from them. I felt empowered by this and more determined to experience all of this even more consciously, with greater awareness and appreciation. I'm doing something really right and I'm happy for it. You see that in the absence of depression I am capable of doing great things for myself. The thing to do is to keep the depression away as long as possible and maybe have it pass me by completely. One thing I can start using in the Fall is the Bright Light Energy Lamp that imitates daylight. I had given up on that, but it can actually help me.

Back to this night. It is now actually early in the morning and I hear the early birds sing before it has gotten light. They sound very cheerful and they should, because it's going to be a beautiful day again. Today is going to be a busy day. First I have to go to my SPN. After that my Personal helper is coming. Then the domestic help will be here and the Exfactor is also supposed to come by. Somehow I will accommodate everybody. They may all be here at once at one point for a brief spell. It will be a house full.

My outfit was a success yesterday. Not that anyone commented on it, but I liked it. I topped it all off with a long black short sleeved light weight cardigan that I left unbuttoned. I was lightly layered that way and protected from the breeze. I felt good in it, like a young woman. It's nice not to feel your age, even if you probably look it. It's how you feel that counts. If you have the illusion of youth, it changes your outlook and makes you feel more invincible. Today I will wear something different again, just because I can. It will be fun.

Have a great day you all. Hope you weather is as great as ours. Be good!

Ciao,
Nora