The Blues.

Here I am sitting with my third cup of coffee. I've taken my medicines and am trying to feel good, but I'm somewhat, no quite, disgusted with the outcome of the elections. My party has lost with one seat and now the Liberal Democrats are going to deliver the Prime Minister and be in charge of forming a coalition government and it can go either way, from the right to the left, it's up to them, whatever gives them a majority to rule. Of course, they'd like a government to the right, but they may not have enough partners and compromises may have to be made. That means governing with the left and that will be okay, as long as the left doesn't have to make too many concessions.

For a long time, well into the night, the race was even and it looked like it was going to be a draw. This morning I heard differently. I can't stand the sight of the leader of the Liberal Democrats and hate to think that I'm regularly going to have to see his face on television and find out what draconian measures he is going to take to "save" the Netherlands. I'm very worried and shudder at the thought of what those measures will be. He cuddles the rich and penalizes the poor. That's the kind of man he is. Since I'm the poor, I expect the worst. That's all I want to say about it now, no doubt I'll talk about it more later when the cabinet formation has been completed.

I don't know if this is the sole thing that's upsetting my equilibrium so. I'm quite out of balance and feel very uneasy. I feel as if I'm getting a little bit mad and not quite in touch with reality. I have cotton balls in my head where my brain should be and my thoughts are muffled as if I have sound absorbers in my head. That would be the cotton balls then. It can't be such a shock to my system that the Liberal Democrats have won that I'm going to go mad over it.

Of course, I haven't quite felt like my old self for the last few days. I've been a bit unbalanced and at times in the danger of being quite depressed and I've only gotten over that by being very careful with myself. I've had to be very focused on staying in the here and now and not let thoughts of other times take the overhand. Memories keep wanting to push their way to the surface and they aren't pleasant. I know I'm in trouble when this happens and I have to fight them by very much staying in the present and not pursue them when I catch myself thinking about them.

Sometimes I feel momentary despair as if I'm looking at something very scary or as if I'm reminded of something very unpleasant. It's the way my thoughts want to take a run with me now. I think this is a chemical process and that I'm fighting a physical phenomenon. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the reality of my situation. I may as well blame the weather, which may not be that far fetched. There's a reluctance to fully participate in life and a hesitance to go outdoors, but instead to hibernate inside and to be safe inside the apartment, which is of course impossible, because I do have to walk Tyke. He will always be my saving grace.

I mustn't be quite as serious as that, though, and tell you that I do manage to get through the day alright in the end and that I do sleep well at night now. Maybe not as long as I'd like, but I don't stay up late or wake up real early. And I have to add that Tyke seems to have left his destructive days behind him and become more mellow, which is quite a relief. He ignores most temptations and seldom does anything unlawful anymore. He's not an bandit anymore.

I am managing and I am maintaining a status quo, precarious as it is sometimes. I will not be defeated by this upset. I assume everything will turn out alright again as soon as the sun comes out again from behind these rain clouds. It's just a temporary dip, most likely. I mustn't think that this is a long term downward turn.

I've got to get dressed now and walk my trusty four footer. I washed my hair and can't do a thing with it. I look like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Like a nun.

Ciao,
Nora