Cold.

I feel cold and have put on my warm gray cardigan, although it is nor the least bit cold in here, really. It is just me who is cold, not the apartment that is. I'm having a dip in temperature and mood that I'm resolving with warm clothing and a cup of coffee. I hope it works soon, but you will notice that in a moment. If not, I will delete this post and pretend I didn't write it. There's nothing worse then witnessing someone have a pity party. Not that it is my intention to have one.

I suppose I can't constantly be in a happy mood, much as I'd like to be. I guess everybody rolls down the hill of happiness sometimes and now it's my turn. I'm in a bit of a funk and not quite as cheerful as I'd like to be. I feel a little bit of the need to withdraw from the world and make myself safe like I felt in the past. I want to hibernate and not come out. I'm sure that this is just a temporary condition, maybe as short lived as a few hours, and that I will be over it in no time at all, but I have to keep an eye on it. It can take on a life of its own.

It's in my psychological make up to go from one extreme to the other and I must prevent that from happening. One way to do that is by openly talking about it and naming it. The worst thing to do is to ignore it. That's what I used to do in the past when I was just about oblivious of things that happened to me. I wasn't even in denial. I was deaf, dumb and blind. Now I have awareness, although it does take some prodding to bring that to the surface.

My SPN did the prodding. I fell asleep on the sofa and missed my appointment with her, but I did speak to her on the phone. She prodded me into thinking what the problem might be, which is as follows. Each time I do well, we raise our expectations of me and attainable goals, which puts me under pressure and makes me feel insecure. I get the impression that every time things go well with me, I have to perform, so I start to crumble and not do so well. We do this instead of being satisfied that I manage the life I live so well. Things aren't just allowed to be good, they have to be better and I feel guilty if they're not.

Once we had that figured out, I could let that knowledge sink in and I really have now that I've written it down. I mustn't outperform myself. There is a limit up to which I do well at any given moment. Maybe somewhere down the line I will do better, who knows, but I'm not going to sit here and predict when that will be. My main concern is maintaining my mood and that is hard enough in itself. I like my schedule the way it is now, because there is just enough pressure, but I don't become overwhelmed. It is manageable.

This is as personal as I've gotten in a long while. I'm taking a chance on it.

It is 23C in here. That's the warmest it's been in here all season. It's overcast outside, but it must be very muggy. Rain was predicted, but I haven't seen any yet. Let's hope it doesn't rain when I take the dog for a walk in a while.

Ciao,
Nora