Tuesday, June 08, 2010


I feel cold and have put on my warm gray cardigan, although it is nor the least bit cold in here, really. It is just me who is cold, not the apartment that is. I'm having a dip in temperature and mood that I'm resolving with warm clothing and a cup of coffee. I hope it works soon, but you will notice that in a moment. If not, I will delete this post and pretend I didn't write it. There's nothing worse then witnessing someone have a pity party. Not that it is my intention to have one.

I suppose I can't constantly be in a happy mood, much as I'd like to be. I guess everybody rolls down the hill of happiness sometimes and now it's my turn. I'm in a bit of a funk and not quite as cheerful as I'd like to be. I feel a little bit of the need to withdraw from the world and make myself safe like I felt in the past. I want to hibernate and not come out. I'm sure that this is just a temporary condition, maybe as short lived as a few hours, and that I will be over it in no time at all, but I have to keep an eye on it. It can take on a life of its own.

It's in my psychological make up to go from one extreme to the other and I must prevent that from happening. One way to do that is by openly talking about it and naming it. The worst thing to do is to ignore it. That's what I used to do in the past when I was just about oblivious of things that happened to me. I wasn't even in denial. I was deaf, dumb and blind. Now I have awareness, although it does take some prodding to bring that to the surface.

My SPN did the prodding. I fell asleep on the sofa and missed my appointment with her, but I did speak to her on the phone. She prodded me into thinking what the problem might be, which is as follows. Each time I do well, we raise our expectations of me and attainable goals, which puts me under pressure and makes me feel insecure. I get the impression that every time things go well with me, I have to perform, so I start to crumble and not do so well. We do this instead of being satisfied that I manage the life I live so well. Things aren't just allowed to be good, they have to be better and I feel guilty if they're not.

Once we had that figured out, I could let that knowledge sink in and I really have now that I've written it down. I mustn't outperform myself. There is a limit up to which I do well at any given moment. Maybe somewhere down the line I will do better, who knows, but I'm not going to sit here and predict when that will be. My main concern is maintaining my mood and that is hard enough in itself. I like my schedule the way it is now, because there is just enough pressure, but I don't become overwhelmed. It is manageable.

This is as personal as I've gotten in a long while. I'm taking a chance on it.

It is 23C in here. That's the warmest it's been in here all season. It's overcast outside, but it must be very muggy. Rain was predicted, but I haven't seen any yet. Let's hope it doesn't rain when I take the dog for a walk in a while.



Connie Rose said...

Life is a roller coaster. I commiserate with you, being there myself, up for a few days, down for the next few. And so goes life.
Be easy on yourself, dear friend. XO

Lane said...

Guilt and expectations have a lot to answer for. It's often harder to just 'be'.

Take care. Mild and humid here so I hope you warm up soon.

Bernie said...

Life is an up and down, day to day process....everyone has good, bad, happy and sad times....why some have it so much harder than others I don't know, I only wish no ever had to know the pain of mental illness. Cancer, Heart disease seem to get so much empathy and respect but mental illness does not. My heart aches for people who suffer from this horrid disease.
Be gentle with yourself my friend, this too shall pass.....:-) Hugs

Wisewebwoman said...

Being a familiar of the old Black Dog, I hear you my friend.
Expectations can do us in. Your life is going well just the way it is. Roll with the odd punch.
I speak for me as well as you.

Maggie May said...

I also feel the same way...... sometimes I feel low and sometimes contented. Nothing stays the same.
However, I think your problem can be more extreme. I just wanted you to know, though that everyone does get changes of mood without always recognising why.
I think that it is true that we all try and better ourselves and I feel this with my health. Sometimes I feel under pressure to be better than I feel. Other people expect it.

Hope you feel better, knowing what the problem is.

We didn't have a hot day today.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

Gail said...

Up, downs, sideways...I've been in all those places. You will come out again and be the better for it.

致遠致遠 said...