Friday, January 15, 2010

I din't get it quite right...

Well, I slept on the sofa with two cats on top of me the whole time. The good news is that I didn't have any night sweats, the bad news is that I didn't sleep long enough. I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and got up and made myself a cup of coffee and wild horses couldn't have dragged me back to sleep. I would have gone kicking and screaming. I was bound an determined to be awake and alert and functioning. Where there's a will, there's a way. It only took one cup of coffee and two cigarettes to be completely there. I was answering emails before my brain was at the right speed. It was in first gear and I took off, switching gears as I got up to speed. I have just taken my medicines and in a while that antipsychotic medication will make me sleepy again and then I will go back to the sofa. I'm assuming that that's what the problem is, anyway.

I'm not going to be concerned about being sleepy during the day anymore, because I just am and there's not much I can do about it. I don't know if it's a side effect of the medicines or if it's because it's wintertime, but I seem to want to sleep through the most important parts of the day and night. I am alert in the evenings and very early in the mornings. That's just the way it is. I'll have to see what happens to me in the springtime. Maybe things will get more balanced then.

I've been having sleeping problems on and off for 16 years. More on than off. I got them when I came to the Netherlands and have never gotten over them. That's because I've never felt safe anymore. I've always felt that I need to be hyper vigilant and alert, especially now that I live on my own, but I was this way before too, when I was still married. Before I had my computer I watched MTV with headphones on and waited for it to be morning so I could make noise. The computer was a real lifesaver. It made the hours go by quickly and kept me entertained. I don't know what I would do without it. Go back to watching MTV I suppose, although it's not what it was. I like the fact that I can do what I want now and make noise or not and turn on lights and talk to myself and the dog and listen to music. The last time I slept really well was when I was in the States. I kept very normal hours then and slept like a baby. That's 5 years ago. Just imagine that all this time I haven't felt safe. There's something deeply psychological going on.

My father murdered my mother at 4:30 in the morning while she was asleep. I very often wonder if that has something to do with it. It's something I can think about on two levels. One way is on a very rational, non-emotional level where I just keep myself to the facts, but there's another level that lies much deeper and where I shudder at the horror of it all and want to scream and cry and turn away my head and not look at it. It's too horrible to remember. I wonder how I walk around with that, subconsciously, to this day. I think you never get over something like that, really.

Okay, I'm going to eat and go lie down on the sofa again, or maybe on the bed, I'll see. No, not on the bed after what I just told you.

Have a good morning.



Babaloo said...

You may have touched on the reason for your sleep problems there. It would also explain why you'd feel safer in the States. It's far enough away for you to feel safe.

However, emigrating can't be a solution. Well, it would be, I suppose, but there have to be other solutions. You just said, where there is a will, there is a way. From that I'm working out that you don't WANT to sleep at nighttime. Deep down, I mean. Think about it...


Twain12 said...

i'm sorry you had to go through something so horrific and i can understand you not feeling save. Looks like you are trying to work through it though. I say sleep when you want to sleep no sense in making it another thing to worry about .

Maureen said...

I think the important thing to remember is to get ENOUGH sleep; otherwise it affects everything else in your life. I think I recall you sleeping more last winter too. As a matter of fact, I think we all tend to "hiberate" more with the increased amounts of darkness. We are just acting like the mammals we are after all!

Hope your Friday goes well... take care.

Wisewebwoman said...

You have born enormous burdens, my friend and have survived to tell about them.
Sleep when and where you can.

Anonymous said...

Psychologically, I'd agree with your assessment of the situation. I also don't think you ever do get over such a trauma, you just put it away somewhere in your mind and learn to live more comfortably with it. Of course, my opinion certainly doesn't help you sleep any better, does it! But really, if you don't need to be anywhere regularly at a set time (like a boring office job, let's say), does it matter when you sleep? Maybe not ...

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Well this post slightly blew me away. I wonder how you have ever slept at all since your mother was murdered in her sleep. Maybe in America you felt removed from the place where your mother died? Sort of like being in a different world. I'm assuming your mother died in the Netherlands (or Europe), although I don't know.

Dear friend, you have certainly dealt with a lot in your life.

I have rarely slept right through the night since my mother died (of cancer) when I was 20. I realised that having to get up in the night to go to the loo was about checking everything was OK rather than really needing the loo.

Strangely just recently, despite being very ill mentally, I have been sleeping right through the night quite a bit. I've yet to work that one out ... Except that maybe I've spent all my anxiety during the day.

(((Hugs))) doesn't really cover it does it. But I send them all the same.
Bearfriend xx